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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its, how are you doing? What's going on with the papa situation?


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
Mama_of_3_Kids
♀ Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little history into my situation...

When I was six until the time I was 10, I was molested by a cousin and two step-brothers (my mom and their dad separated so, the abuse stopped). The cousin was caught but the two step-brothers never were. I was afraid to tell anyone b/c I thought people would think I was just making it up. I finally told my mom about a year ago when she made some comment about how my sister just didn't understand what my problem was. How that my sister thought I had such a great life growing up. Neither she, nor my mom knew the hell I had been living with for over 20 years. The only other person on this planet who knew was my h.

He has tried to get me to go to counseling for years. The first two counselors I saw were complete quacks so, I really don't want to deal with another counselor. It is too much for me to try to deal with.

Today, I was thinking of how happy I was for my sister. She is getting ready to have her first baby boy Her first baby (a girl) was born stillborn when my sister was 15. She is 21 now and ready for the responsibility of a little one. I am so excited for her. Then, it occurred to me, my sister's brothers will probably be at the hospital at the same time as me I love my sister and I want to be as supportive as possible. But, I don't want to have to look my molesters in the face and act like I am okay. I am far from okay. I have suffered for 20 fucking years! My M has had problems b/c of the shit they did. I am going to have to fight the urge not to grab them by the balls and rip them off. My h is going to have to fight the urge not to knock these boys on their asses (I don't care if they are in their 30's now, I will never see them as men).

I don't know what to do at this point. How can I be there for my sister when I know the molesters will be there???


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11468 | Registered: Dec 2009
DevastatedUKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 29109
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

Sorry, don't mean to t/j from moma of 3 kids, I hope someone can offer you some good advice and I'm sending you (((hugs))).

FWF is SAB survivor as is OW. I didnít know this before d-day. When he called things off with her (18 months before d-day) he was apologetic to her but she said to him that she thought that she had taken advantage of him. They remained friends up until d-day and thereafter there has been NC.

In our many hours of discussing the A (it was effectively 4 ONS with same OW) and from what FWF has told me about what happened to him as a child I can kind of see how his relationship with OW kind of resembles the relationship he had with his ab. Also, in both what happened to him as a child and in what he did with OW he dissociated and compartmentalised.

FWF has never tried to blame his A on what happened to him as a child although he can see now how his thought processes as an adult were affected by his childhood. The more we talk about it all and the more I think about it the more connections I see. Could it be that in the A he was acting as his inner child on some level? I havenít discussed these connections with FWF yet and Iím not sure whether I should or not?

Does anyone else have any experience of this or am I simply making links where there just arenít any?

Many thanks to anyone who has any ideas on this.


Me: BFiancee 31
Him: FWFiance 31
Together 12 years, engaged for the last 5
A = 4 ONS with same OW in 2008 (friends with 'benefits')
D-Day: End of Feb 2010

Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: UK
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mama: How old were they during your abuse?

Devastated: "Could it be that in the A he was acting as his inner child on some level?"

He could have been re-enacting.

I had an PA with APs that looked, acted and used me the same way as the people who abused, molested and raped me as a child(4 yrs old to 12 yrs old).

Quote: Re-enactment [...behaviors. ...] An example is a woman who was physically, sexually or verbally abused [...may become involved with people repeatedly...] that treat her the same way. She may feel that she is not worthy [...] or that she deserves being mistreated. Joyce Meyer: Beauty for Ashes.
[]= rewording to shorten

It is not uncommon.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Mama_of_3_Kids
♀ Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My cousin was like 15-17 (like I said, he was found out after a couple of years). My step-brothers were in their teens...like maybe from the time the oldest was 15-18 and the youngest was 13-16. They may have been a year or two older than those ages. My mom and their dad separated about 16 years ago. So, I don't remember their exact ages.


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11468 | Registered: Dec 2009
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mama:
I don't know if you know my history or not. One of my abusers was my sister. She stopped around the time she was 15/16. One of the ways that I can be around her(for short periods of time like family events) is realizing that she, at that age, had to learn the behavior from someone...

Normally, a teen doesn't do things like that to a child... unless it was done to them... I know that it isn't an excuse. I know that my sister knew what she was doing was wrong. Her life is indescribably screwed up even now... I can look at her and realize that she is still stuck and I am free.

I don't know if that makes sense or not. I know my demons, I faced them and continue to face them. That makes me stronger than she will ever be.

You are a strong woman who knows herself. You know that you were not at fault. You know that they do not have any kind of power over you now. (Except what you give them.) Don't give them any.

You don't have to look at them, you don't have to talk to them, you don't have to interact with them.

1. You can arrange with your sister a time to be with her by yourself. Just your family and her and the baby time.

2. You can go and give the brothers the significance of wallpaper. Ya' know, glance at them, notice that "yep, that is a gawd-awful pattern" and not notice them again. (Like ugly wallpaper.)

Have you looked into any of the books recommended here?
Some of them were really helpful for me.

The right IC is great, the wrong ICs can do more harm than good.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
DevastatedUKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 29109
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Wincings_Sparkle.

I've talked a little to my IC about it and she mentioned about re-enactment. I know FWF's abuser was an older male cousin and I know some of the stuff the cousin did to him. An older sister of the male cousin also might have done something to him when he was even younger, he just can't remember it (or has repressed the memory).

From what he's told me about him and OW he's described when they were intimate as though he feels like it was someone else doing it and that it wasn't really him. Afterwards he just shut it off in his mind and pretended it had never happened. He described it in this way before either of us had ever even heard of dissociation and it's only been through my IC that I've learned a bit about it. I've since read a few books about SAB although there doesn't seem to be much in the way of the link between SAB and As.

I certainly don't want to lay all the blame for his A on his childhood but I kind of think that when you hear about an A one of the things people say is that part of the attraction was the thrill and excitement of it. I just think that if FWF was getting such a thrill surely he wouldn't have dissociated during it?

I don't know. I guess I'm just trying to understand what was going off in his head and trying to understand how his childhood has affected him.

He didn't tell me about his childhood until d-day. I can't even remember how we got onto it as I'd been screaming at him for about 6 hours! I remember having eventually calmed down and I can't remember what he said but it triggered me to ask 'why, did something happen in your childhood?' and he eventually told me.

We've been together 11 years, we have a house together and are engaged. I really wish he could have told me this a long time ago. I know he mentioned it to OW before the A as she told him that she had been abused as a child and he said that something similar had happend to him. I think that created a bond between the two of them that he simply didn't have with me.

Sorry, I'm just waffling now...


Me: BFiancee 31
Him: FWFiance 31
Together 12 years, engaged for the last 5
A = 4 ONS with same OW in 2008 (friends with 'benefits')
D-Day: End of Feb 2010

Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: UK
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, September 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((DevastatedUKgirl))))

I'm sorry that you are hurting.

I hope that your WS is trying to figure out himself. He is the only one that can make all of the connections. He has to recognize them in himself.

I think that created a bond between the two of them that he simply didn't have with me.

Be grateful that you don't have this bond. It is a twisted unhealthy bond. They (Your WS and AP) didn't comfort each other or heal each other or help each other. If anything, they broke each other more and made you a casualty of their dysfunction.

I can see how much you care about your WS. Don't forget to take care of yourself. You can not fix him, he has to fix himself. Don't lose yourself in his muck.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
DevastatedUKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 29109
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, September 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Wincings

He is making connections himself and it's good to see that he is recognising what is wrong in himself. I feel it does help me when he does make these connections.

You're totally right, it's not a bond I would ever have wanted. My IC even said the A could have been a form of self destructive behaviour as a result of the feelings has carries with him from his childhood.

I just wish he could have told me himself before he did anything like this, although I kind of understand why he didn't (in his mind he'd shut it away and just tried not to think about it and just tried to block it all out so it wasn't as though he thought about it everyday and felt like he needed to tell me). I saw the shame and terror on his face when he finally told me about what had happened to him as a child and I think that was harder for him than when I confronted him about the A.

I think he was amazed at my reaction when he told me on d-day about his childhood and he says that he feels like such a weight has been lifted off him in telling me and me not thinking any less of him.

Yeah, I am trying to take care of myself. I'm seeing a good IC and am focusing on trying to heal myself.

It's really helped to message you too and get the perspective of someone going through something similar.

Thank you (((wincings_sparkle)))


Me: BFiancee 31
Him: FWFiance 31
Together 12 years, engaged for the last 5
A = 4 ONS with same OW in 2008 (friends with 'benefits')
D-Day: End of Feb 2010

Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: UK
WhyAmILikeThis??
♀ New Member
Member # 28887
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, September 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So yesterday was my 3rd group session and we are finally dealing with the emotions of the abuse. Hearing and connecting with all the woman in group has brought out emotions I didn't even know I had regarding the abuse. The session yesterday has left me in a bad state emotionally. I knew this would be hard, but I had no idea it would be this hard. I can't seem to come to terms with all these emotions that are pouring out. The best way to describe it is that I am numb because there is too much. I need to cry but can't. I can't focus on anything else. My sons b-day is today and I am having trouble pushing these emotions down. I have done so well for 17 years, why now? I don't even know exactly what I want to say. I am just having a really hard day today.


me WS 33
BH 32
D-day 6-4-10
2 D-day complete honesty 6-13-10

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2010
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, September 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WhyAmILikeThis??))),


I know that after I've had to deal with some aspect of the abuse and it's brought forth a lot of emotional turmoil, that I too, get to a point where I start to feel a bit numb. It's your mind's way of telling you to take a break, take it slow.

I think this is pretty normal. Be patient with yourself. Don't expect yourself to be able to deal with these emotions, it will take a long time to process them. It is probably very overwhelming, but working through this pain is healing.

Maybe you can journal about your feelings, just to get them out. Put it aside and come back to it when you're ready. Take one emotion at a time. I'm sorry you're having a hard day.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 700 | Registered: Jun 2010
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, October 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I haven't been around lately...

island_girl, thanks for asking....

papaw eventually made it through surgery (triple bypass and valve replacement), recovered from surgery, and went home.

So many, mixed, feelings on this.

He was/is my grandfather. Not biologically, but in every other way is the closest thing I have ever had to a grandpa.

He is also one of my abusers.

And I am still bound to his family as if they were my own. That family and mine have been "bound" together since I was a baby...


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
survivor girl
♀ Member
Member # 21552
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, October 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only thing I ever confronted my dad about was his drinking. (to no avail)

He died when I was 16. To this day, I can still feel the relief I felt that morning.

I had shut out the abuse as a protective measure. Of course it lurked within for decades until its corrosive
energy began to dissolve my soul.

That sick feeling within had to be properly addressed.

Now my sister is another story. She lives 30 minutes away. We haven't spoken for years, even at family gatherings.

I have absolutely no desire, no need to address anything with her. I lack that sick feeling that I experienced previously.

But that's me.

I know there's some chapters in "The Courage to Heal" re: confronting your abuser(s).

I chose not to. Fighting the
demons and healing the wounds created by my dad was enough.

Its, you have choices. Check out the book. Talk to your IC.

I wish you strength. Whatever path you choose will be the right one for you.

[This message edited by survivor girl at 6:31 AM, October 2nd (Saturday)]


FWW

SAB survivor

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt." --Shakespeare

"Just DO it" ---Nike

D-Day March 2006


Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, October 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, survivor girl.

I have the book, and have read it.

Have talked to IC. Just today as a matter of fact.

Tried to write a letter to him...couldn't even get started.

Have tried to talk to H about it, but he just doesn't get it.

Right now I am just so messed up about so many things, I don't even know where to start.

I am so angry, at so many things, so many people right now. I thought I had gotten through the anger, but apparently not.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, October 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WhyAmILikeThis??))) Are you doing better? Like Casper said, it is okay to take breaks when you have to.

I know that when the emotions rise to the surface it's hard to even breathe. Take care of yourself.

Its: Have you tried just free writing? Just grab a note book and just start writing... You can even start with "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog." Then what ever crosses your mind. It doesn't have to make any sense at all. It doesn't have to be about any one thing.

It is sort of like vomiting on paper.

You don't want to keep holding in all the anger that you have bottled up.
Things to try:
Scream into pillows. (Tends to scare the kids without the pillow in place.)

Throw rocks as hard as you can. (If you live somewhere where you can throw rocks.)

Rip up paper. (If you have a pile of paper that is trash, like advertisements or papers that need recycled or something, ripping them into little bitty pieces can be really therapeutic.)

Run until you can't and then walk... then run until you can't and then walk...
(Don't run to far from home...you don't want to get too tired to get back. Take a cell phone in case you need picked up. )

Those are just some ideas.

(((Its)))

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 7:12 PM, October 5th (Tuesday)]


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, October 10th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I brought this up on the men's forum, but I would like to hear from survivors (and partners of survivors):

So we just had a heart-to-heart talk. The first one in many, many months.

Bottom-line:

She said: "What do you want from me?"
I said: "I want you to say, 'I love you, and I want to be married to you for the rest of my life.'"
She said: "I'm sorry. I can't say that right now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say that."

And later, she said: "I am incapable of fulfilling your most basic, fundamental needs, and you are incapable of fulfilling my most basic, fundamental needs."


So that's it. I see no point in waiting for her to change, because I don't think that she is ever going to change.

Do I just cut my losses and divorce her? Or do I stick around in this loveless marriage so my kids won't grow up as children of divorce (the way I grew up - and I am still traumatized by my own parents' divorce)?

Any thoughts?


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
cassbabe840
♀ Member
Member # 13746
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, October 10th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just discovered this thread.... I'm glad to know there are others like me. I woke up to the abuse about 2 weeks ago, triggered by upcoming dd. I'm not sure why I should be called a survivor though, as I feel dead inside. Just yesterday he told me it wasn't my right (to try to withhold sex) that he can take it. Sadly we both know its true, he's done it before. Often I just give in and lay there staring at the ceiling, but not anymore!!! I am my own person, and I CAN SAY NO!


Because I'm stronger than I look...

Posts: 272 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Mount Juliet, TN
oceanwaves
♀ Member
Member # 29297
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 10th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH was abused and lied/hid his whole life. Now getting the truth or details of the A is close to impossible.

Im trying hard to have compassion- that this may again feel like someone is trying to expose his secret.

But, I need to heal too- and so far he isn't making the connections.

I love him very much.


ďMore than anything else, I believe it's our decisions, not the conditions of our lives, that determine our destiny.Ē -Anthony Robbins

Posts: 1606 | Registered: Aug 2010
tornasunder
♂ Member
Member # 29300
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, October 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for BSs who have been are SA Survivors. My WW, through IC, has recovered the memory that she was sexually abused as a child. How would you compare the pain of being sexually abused to the pain of your spouse betraying you?

Right now she is dealing with the reality that she was sexually abused as a child but has barely said "I'm sorry" to me for the pain that she has caused me and wants me to be there for her. This is what I want to say to her but I don't want to be out of line: "Imagine your abuser asking you to help him with some major problem he is having and all he is willing to say to help you is 'I'm sorry'".

I have no interest in belittling the pain that she is going through. I am trying to help her but I don't feel like I am getting any support for the pain that she has caused me. I am just trying to find terms that she can relate to and have no interest in causing her more pain when it comes to the abuse that she received.


Me BS (32); STBXW (31); Married 10 Years; DDay1 03/2010; DDay2 01/2012
Divorced 07/2012

Posts: 204 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Dakota
sadskittles
♀ Member
Member # 21232
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone.... it has been awhile since I updated you all on my progress in IC and group therapy. I started group about 6 weeks ago. Although group brings up strong emotions and difficult memories I feel like it is becoming very beneficial to my healing. I don't feel so slone in my struggles anymore and a lot of my feelings and experiences are being validated in a way that they have never been before.

My IC is wonderful and has become an integral part of my weekly routine. She helps me work through issues that are brought up in group and beyond. I have even found the courage to disclose to her portions of my abuse that I was too ashamed or guilty to talk about before.

I am still struggling with anxiety and depression though. My IC believes I may even be suffering from PTSD.

I have just started my journey towards healing, but the first few steps are the hardest. I know I will succeed and become a thriver instead of just a survivor.


Moving on... without him and stronger for it.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Wisconsin
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