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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, sparkle.

I don't know how many times I am going to have to be told that before I accept it.

I think I may have that Joyce Meyer book. If not I will get it.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, May 2nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm relatively new to SI and not sure if I should be posting here and do not want to post in an inappropriate thread.

I am a BS and my WW was the victim of one incident of rape when she was 16. I need some advice, but not sure if I should be posting here. Any clarification would be welcomed...


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lotsa
Feel free to ask any questions you want. This is a thread for anyone who has to deal with any kind of sexual abuse and the spouses of the survivors have to deal with the sexual abuse by proximity.

If you don't feel comfortable posting and you want to talk to another BS my husband wincing_at_light said that you can PM him.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you wincings_sparkle and thank WAL for his offer (which I will take up).

I'm not sure if some of the advice I am seeking overlaps and any insight from either of you would be appreciated.

While relatively new to SI, I have read many of WAL's earlier and latter posts in the Betrayed Men thread and elsewhere and have gained a lot of personal insight. Your ongoing journey gives me a slither of hope. I am indebted and wish you both the best...


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, May 5th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
broken13
♀ Member
Member # 28264
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, May 7th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm "newish" to SI and real new to this thread. There are a lot of pages in it and I will read them all but I wanted to post real quick to say HI and to ask a question. My short story is in my profile but I'll try to re-cap here.

My question is - Can effects of sexual abuse pop out years after being married to contribute to acting out sexually?

My H was abused by his own father .... I knew before we got married but he never really dealt with it .... hadn't gone to any type of counseling. He is very driven and strives to be the BEST at everything. Over the past 20 years of our relationship, he has had battles with overdoing online poker, gambling on pro-sports, skill games on Facebook, drinking (did drugs prior to our relationship) & has smoked since he was 13. We are in counseling now and he says that he never really dug into porn growing up all that much or during most of our marriage. Did a few things that a lot of young males do but was never overly into it. He does see a pattern in over indulging in the above areas that I mentioned though.

He says he was happy in our marriage and thought we were really close but yet he chose to start acting out sexually .... use of porn that escalated into very GRAPHIC and FLITHY/DEGRADING sexting with 2 OW ... one being my xFriend and our neighbor ... the other a co-worker. Says there was no PA ... there definitely wasn't any EA as he treated the women like whores. He thinks it may have been a control thing and that makes sense with his prior abuse .... BUT the timing for this to happen in our marriage is just devastating. I could accept it better if it was earlier on in our M or during a rough patch but it's hard to believe that his sexual abuse contributes to ALL of this acting out. I understand the compartmentalizing ... well not really understand it but have read that it happens, but he was texting very graphic sh*t during the day while ALSO texting me ?.?.? So he was a true Jekyl and Hyde (loving H & filth) and that's had to take in.

I saw the book that was listed The Sexual Healing Journey and am looking it up. I'm just trying to understand if this is what's to blame or if there are other things. He's so LOYAL at his job ... like the perfect employee. I thought he was loyal to me as well and just can process all of this. We have a good sex life and it's not all "vanilla" ... we do have fun but we don't have "whore" sex. Does he secretly want this? Is this from being abused? Like he wants to degrade someone else? Ugh, and the women just did what he asked ... fell right into it He said he'd never talk to me that way. It just really, really hurts sometimes to look at him because I never knew this could be a part of him.

Any thoughts? THANKS!


ME (BS): 40
HIM (FWH): 44
Sons: 21, 11, 10 and 4
Daughter: lost our only one 2 days after her birth in '95
D-Day: 2-19-2010
Married for 17 years (together 19)

short story in profile ... details of dday in journal entry


Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: OH
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can effects of sexual abuse pop out years after being married to contribute to acting out sexually?

From what I understand, yes it can. The effects of sexual abuse have been manifesting in other ways all along.

I'm just trying to understand if this is what's to blame or if there are other things.

I will try to be gentle here. The sexual abuse is not to blame for your husbands affair. Yes, it happened to him and yes, it probably really messed up his head more than you or he suspect. He was faithful for years and the sexual abuse was there then. You can't blame the sexual abuse for the affair.

The sexual abuse adds another layer to the whole mess.

I'm sorry that you find yourself here on SI and in this particular thread.

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 8:04 AM, May 13th (Thursday)]


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

broken13 -

Can effects of sexual abuse pop out years after being married to contribute to acting out sexually?

Yes. My CSAT calls it "shelf life". The brain shelves difficult issues when the person is young because it cannot handle it. When the brain is mature enough, all the stuff comes tumbling out. And at that time, it has to be dealt with in one way or another.

My H was abused by his own father .... I knew before we got married but he never really dealt with it .... hadn't gone to any type of counseling.

I am very sorry. This would have been awfully difficult for him.

He is very driven and strives to be the BEST at everything.

Needing to be in control is one of the side effects of child sexual abuse.

BUT the timing for this to happen in our marriage is just devastating. I could accept it better if it was earlier on in our M or during a rough patch

The brain doesn't always follow a logical pattern. My therapist says that, for me, my acting out started when things got to a steady state. While we were newly married, buying a house, getting pregnant, difficult pregnancies, having babies, dealing with developmental disabilities... all of that kept me busy. It was when we got both kids in school and things settled down that I started acting out.

but it's hard to believe that his sexual abuse contributes to ALL of this acting out.

Nothing is that simple. There is clearly a lot more to it than that. Your H is used to hiding things, repressing his own thoughts in order to survive, fully cognizant of the "disgusting" side of things, etc. He chose to have an affair to deal with his demons.

So he was a true Jekyl and Hyde (loving H & filth) and that's had to take in.

Isn't it? I am, too. I think spouses of CSA victims (and SA) should get a free pass and leave with everything. It's not fair to you to have to deal with someone else's baggage.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
copingwithdoubts
♀ Member
Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

broken13,

I was struck by your post ... our stories are very similar. I am two years out from finding out about H's PA and almost a year from finding out about H's CSA and possible SA. Your feelings are completely normal and valid. It is not easy to reconcile who we thought they were with the reality.

Trust for me will always be an issue ... loving him is not. I will always love him, but I also love myself, and I have boundries and expectations that I need to have respected. If they are crossed or ignored ... I will and do re-evaluate the relationship's worth. My H is aware of this and it is working for us both ... we are rebuilding our M and healing together.

However, even as happy as I truly am after a year of real, authentic R ... I am sometimes still overwhelmed by fear and sadness. It really is a tough burden to bear ... just as the CSA is for him. I mean, I feel as victimized by him as he feels victimized by his abuser, maybe more so! The most frustrating part ... my repeated attempts to help him, before he spun out of control, rebuffed and thrown back in my face as "my problem". Not so easy to dismiss, but I'm getting better and stronger all he time.

Best wishes for you and your recovery and lots of hugs for all those moments you will need them! PM me anytime ... CWD




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife is going to IC to deal with her SAB. It is causing her to be an emotional basketcase. She is talking about suicide.

Part of me wants to be there for her, listen to her, prop her up emotionally, be the nice guy, etc.

However, she still shows no remorse for her EA.

Question: Do I "be there for her" or do I do the 180?


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jnsgold,

"Allies in Healing" was written for partners of SAB survivors.

It didn't do a lot for me, but you might find it helpful.

While I do sort of regret providing emotional support for my FWW while she was mourning OM/realizing she was just another piece off ass, I don't regret supporting her through dealing with this SAB stuff.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jsngold:
If you know who her IC is, even if you cannot talk to the IC yourself, you can leave a message. Tell them that you are the husband of "your wife" and that you are concerned about her because she was talking about committing suicide. Don't ask any questions, just ask that the receptionist/nurse tell your wife's IC. That done you have passed it on to someone that can help her work it out if she is really struggling with it.

Suicidal ideation is real and while it may not evolve into an actual plan and suicide attempt it still needs to be addressed. One of the hardest things that I confessed to my shrink was that I wanted to die. He gave me the choice of going into the hospital or signing a contract promising not to hurt myself. The idea of actually being committed scared the hell out of me.

Ask your wife straight out if she has a plan to commit suicide and if she is going to do it. Ask her with a VAR in your pocket. If she says yes, Call 911 and tell them that your wife is saying that she is going to commit suicide and they will pick her up for a short stay in the psychiatric ward. If she's just fucking with you, I guarantee she will never do it again. And if she gets mad, tell her that you love her and didn't want to see her physically hurt herself. Tell her that you may not be able to help her mentally but you can and will do your damnedest to keep her from hurting herself physically.

I know from another post that you are shielding your children from her erratic and irrational behavior. You might want to point out to her gently that she is emotionally abusing them and she may damage them in her pain. It may snap her out of her nasty demeanor.

Whether you can support her or not is really something that you have to find the answer to inside of yourself. What can you emotionally handle? What can you do that won't turn into resentment?

If she won't accept your help then all you can do is take care of yourself and your children.

I'm sorry that this is so hard.


[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 6:37 PM, May 21st (Friday)]


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, May 24th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I finally admitted to my IC that I was having suicidal ideations, his first question was "do you have a plan?" (Yes, I did). do you have intent? No, I didn't. He also gave me the choice of hospital or making the contract to not hurt myself, and if things got worse that I would go to the hospital.

The idea of going to the hospital scared me, too.

The other thing my IC did was convince me to go back to my Dr. for a med change. I did do that and the difference was amazing.

Your wife may need meds, if she is not on them, or a med change if she is.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edited because I scared my self. Snork. I hate rainy gray days. They make me maudlin.

Sorry.

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 12:55 AM, May 29th (Saturday)]


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi ya'll,

I'm finally feeling like I can face this again. I've been talking to my sister a lot about what happened to us which has been really helpful. And I ordered "Incest and Sexuality" which should be here in a couple weeks... I guess I feel like I'm getting ready for everything to get worse so that eventually it can get better.


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, June 9th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading "Incest and Sexuality" and I'm all over the place with this. I'm so confused. A couple years ago, I started just accepting my weird sexual preferences as part of me. But now that I can see where they came from and that the place wasn't healthy, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm furthering patterns anymore or if I legitimately like this stuff... I"m confused.

Sometimes it seems like sex is the source of all that is wrong in my life (affairs, molestation, etc). I don't mean that I view sex in a purely negative light. I definitely see the positive sides of it. It's just that everything majorly screwed up in my life revolves around sex somehow.

Maybe I should shelve all this until I can get somewhere with counseling. But then, delaying healing isn't going to help. I hate this.


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, June 10th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A couple years ago, I started just accepting my weird sexual preferences as part of me. But now that I can see where they came from and that the place wasn't healthy.

***My response may cause triggers!!***
IG:
Are you asking yourself: What do I like, what's real for me, is this because of that?

I went through this and it was unpleasant.

I thought of every little thing that gave me pleasure and questioned if it was wrong or right, good or bad. I questioned if I really liked something or if I was "trained" to like it or if it was "tainted".

I don't know if I'm furthering patterns anymore or if I legitimately like this stuff.

You'd think that it would be easy, "Yes, I like a,b,and c."
It's hard to separate your likes and dislikes from the source.

Say someone you hate gives you chocolate ice cream... You still like chocolate ice cream. Maybe you prefer it with sprinkles now so that it doesn't remind you of that person. If you got rid of the sprinkles would you like the chocolate ice cream more or would you be unable to eat it?


I reconciled the two by accepting that while there was some influence on my sexual likes, dislikes and the feelings (like no "love" being real or safe) associated with the abuse, I could choose.

Unlike then, I'm the adult, the one in control. If my H and I are comfortable with something that we find pleasurable, there is no shame in that. If I like something that someone else might find "weird", that is okay.
What was difficult was figuring out if I did feel shame during sex.

I triggered during sex (which was something that I had not EVER done before) and had to ask for a minute. I had to calm down and really examine my bodies reaction and my minds reaction. I had to put myself back into the "now" and not get pulled back into the "then".
Honestly, some likes went away and some likes didn't. Some new likes came along... who knew?

You can do this. If you like who you are sexually, if you have accepted yourself, don't let your abusers take that away from you.

Be gentle with yourself. It's confusing. You don't have to decide all at once if you like a, b, or c. You can just go slowly and see what you like as you go.

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 12:52 AM, June 10th (Thursday)]


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, June 10th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought of every little thing that gave me pleasure and questioned if it was wrong or right, good or bad. I questioned if I really liked something or if I was "trained" to like it or if it was "tainted".

It's hard to separate your likes and dislikes from the source.

Exactly. And I don't even know where to start or how to approach any of it. I feel completely uninterested in sex and then horribly disturbed and occasionally aroused when I'm reading this book, which just seems so incredibly wrong.

Ugh, I can't really post anymore here... PM for you.


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
broken13
♀ Member
Member # 28264
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, June 10th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

first thanks to those that answered my first original post here. I'm still urging FWH to find IC .... we are self helping some but I'm not knowledgeable enough about CSA to really "know" what to help him with. We start a new MC at the end of June.

copingwithdoubts, I totally feel like this. I was really pushing for him to ic for help with his past but more trying to help him with his difficult personality traits ....

my repeated attempts to help him, before he spun out of control, rebuffed and thrown back in my face as "my problem".

wincings_sparkle and island_girl, you're posts confirm fears that I have. I've been looking for books for FWH to read. A lot are geared towards women who were abused though. Anyway, I fear HIS thought during sex .... and sometimes he has said things that seem a little strange to me about sexual things he likes. idk, Over the years at certain times, I've felt uncomfortable. We "usually" could talk about things ..... usually. Sometimes though now, since the A, I just find myself questioning if our sex life is healthy and what REALLY is going on in his mind during it. He tells me he's thinking about me/us 100% but idk, I'm just nervous now.

I did look up "healthy sex" and found the certs model as well as a list of unhealthy vs healthy. It's interesting.


ME (BS): 40
HIM (FWH): 44
Sons: 21, 11, 10 and 4
Daughter: lost our only one 2 days after her birth in '95
D-Day: 2-19-2010
Married for 17 years (together 19)

short story in profile ... details of dday in journal entry


Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: OH
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