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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, March 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread is not just for childhood abuse, Sexual Abuse happens to people of all ages. Men and Women, boys and girl, are all sexually abused every day. This thread is a safe place to talk about these issues. Damage is damage. Hurt is hurt. It doesn't matter how old you are. It doesn't matter if you were beaten to a pulp or came away from the abuse without a scratch. The violation is still the same. You really can't compare your pain to another persons pain. You can only heal your own pain. You can hold someone else while they are in pain. You can comfort someone else in pain. You CANNOT heal them. Only they can.

*Getting off my soapbox now*


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wincings_sparkle, thank you for all of your insight. I haven't been on in a while, but just caught up with this thread, and found your posts very enlightening.

I quit my group. they were all wonderful, but I was falling apart trying to handle and share the memories. I guess I just was not ready. I have not been back to IC, either.

Last night my sleep was filled with bad dreams of being either threatened by or actually chased by men that I believed intended to sexually assault me. I don't normally remember my dreams for long, but these I do. I haven't had a good nights sleep in a few days, and am still up now because I am just not ready to go to sleep. I guess I am going to go ahead and take an ativan tonight before bed and hope it helps me finally get a good night's sleep.

I've got all these bits and pieces, some of which fit together, some of which don't seem to. Part of me wants to just get all the pieces and put them together so I can get it behind me, but part of me is still scared of what I don't know. And part of me still believes that I could have stopped it sooner. Because when I finally did say no, it stopped. Why didn't I just say no sooner?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
WannaMakeRight
♀ Member
Member # 25030
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading the first post on this thread was a slap in the face. I printed it out yesterday and tried to see how it applys to me.

First, I'm a spouse abuse survivor in the worst kinda way. To me, my ex was my first real love, not the usual teenage love. I was 18 & he was 20 when we married. It didn't take long for me to start experiencing almost every form of abuse imaginable.

Emotional, financial, physical and sexual. The financial stuff was easy to get over & I carry no scars from the physical. However, the emotional and sexual has left psychological scars that have gone unattended for 10 years.

I don't look forward to digging into all this but I know I need to. So many times, I've wanted to go back to being the girl I was before my ex, to have that innocence and not be so jaded and guarded. I want my BH to get the best parts of me, instead of this broken, shell of a person.


WW(me)-28
BH-29
D-Day 02/08/09
I have never been more grateful to have him with me everyday!

Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Tennessee
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanna -

I don't look forward to digging into all this but I know I need to

Are you in counseling?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been working up to this all day. This is the font of my anger today...

My mom is coming home for a while to stay with us. I am not ready.

My mom is twisting me up in knots. She kept taking me to my abusers house, she kept sending my sister to her abusers. She took me over there even after she knew for sure that they had messed with me. And then she blamed me and made me feel like the abuse was my fault.

I get that she was in a different time. I even forgive her, she was an abused woman. I think she couldn't take thinking she had failed her children.

She's so fragile, she lost my dad and my grandma, her husband(not the abuser) and mother, within 6 months of each other. It broke her. She overdosed last summer on Xanax and I spent the entire summer helping her through detox.

I don't think I have the strength in me to help her right now. It's only been the middle of February since I started processing and working on the CSAb issues. I'm still angry at her. How can I do this???

I can't confront her, it might break her completely, I know my mother. She'd either go catatonic or commit suicide. Either way, I can't deal with her issues on top of my own.

Yes, I pity her, I love her, for all of the CSAb crap, she was a good mom, she loved me. She did the best she could. I know that.

What now?

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 6:21 PM, March 26th (Friday)]


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Chipmunkie
♀ Member
Member # 21653
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Now?
Now you admit that you still have immense anger. You even admit that some part of you hates her for what happened.
But, you keep that to yourself.
Yeah, yeah... all that confront to heal shit is a nice theory.
I've spent the last thirty some odd years trying to come to some sort of understanding.
Do I hate my Mom for not protecting me? Oh hell yes, I do.
But at the same time I have compassion for her. There is no way to explain it.
Sometimes in this life it is best to let the past remain so.
I figure that everything that happened to me, good or bad, is what shaped me into the person I am today. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.
I have good days and bad days. But at the end of every day I am the only version of me I would choose to be.
Be proud of the person you are today.
Her issues are hers to own.
Soon enough her judgement will come.

Best wishes sparkle,
Life is what You choose it to be.


Me: BW
Him: Irrelevant Bastard

About ~C.? I hear she even keeps a bottle in her desk at work. Not in an alcoholic way but in a kick ass Humphrey Bogart kinda way.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Nov 2008
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, March 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

all that confront to heal shit is a nice theory.

Yep, I came to that conclusion early on.

Chip, I agree with everything you said.

I was having a whining moment, I'm over it.
I can't really see this visit being any different that any of the others at this point. She'll do her thing and we will do ours around hers. I had a little, tiny panic moment when I found out she was coming to visit... Normally, I would have just panicked over cleaning the house.
Thanks for the reality check. I need those periodically.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Chipmunkie
♀ Member
Member # 21653
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, March 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh damn.
Did that come across as a reality check? I didn't mean it as such. Sorry.

SAB is so hard. Everyone knows it as only they can know it.
I can only relate to my own reality with such demons.

Hey? Sparkle? Did you remember to dust the windowsills?


Me: BW
Him: Irrelevant Bastard

About ~C.? I hear she even keeps a bottle in her desk at work. Not in an alcoholic way but in a kick ass Humphrey Bogart kinda way.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Nov 2008
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, March 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ROFLMAO I had the windows open today and when it started to cool off I close them...I looked down and thought, I need to clean those before mom gets here.

It was a supportive post. No reason to "Oh damn."


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
MadhatterMama
♀ Member
Member # 26953
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, April 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^bump.

Sharing this for someone special today.

A Guide for the Partners of Incest Survivors

http://www.enotalone.com/article/4287.html

btw, I highly recommend the book "Ghosts in the Bedroom." It is really helpful for anyone dealing with sexual abuse - not just incest. It has been very helpful for both me (the victim) and my husband.

http://www.amazon.com/Ghosts-Bedroom-Partners-Incest-Survivors/dp/155874116X

[This message edited by MadhatterMama at 5:10 PM, April 9th (Friday)]


"The sun never says to the earth,
'You owe me.'
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights up the whole sky."
-Hafiz the Poet

You will never know how strong you really are until you have no options but to be strong...


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2009
WantOut
♀ Member
Member # 13960
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, April 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if I 'belong" on this thread or not-someone please let me know if there is a more appropriate place for me to post.

My DS15 disclosed in Dec 2009, that his dad had sexually abused him throughout middle school. My DS has been struggling with depression and suicidal ideations for over a year(hospitalized 3 times). The court has put a CPO in place as well as a CFI. The CFI recommended after 6 weeks of investigation that my XH have supervised visitation with his dad for 2 hours a week. Last Saturday, was the first visitation. The supervisor indicated that it went well. However, the days that followed have been hell. DS is more depressed, talks of suicide, fighting with me and friends, When talking with the supervisor, she stated that that was to be expected when my DS hasn't seen his dad in 5 months. I am very concerned and the stress is unreal. Does anyone have experience with this? Is it possible to have a "good" relationship with the offending parent? If you prefer not to post, could you please pm me? Thanks.


Posts: 1547 | Registered: Mar 2007
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, April 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wantout, tough spot. Does DS want to go to the visit. If it is adverse and he resists - then allow him his choice. Is he in IC,, sounds like your young man could use some help finding a direction and path.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, April 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly I wouldn't be making him go to visit at 15. He is old enough to have a choice now. And especailly with what ds has told you.. I would make sure that man never set eyes on my child again. Court ordered or not.

[This message edited by metamorphisis at 7:00 AM, April 18th (Sunday)]



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 42819 | Registered: Sep 2006
WantOut
♀ Member
Member # 13960
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, April 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My DS is confused...dad has money, I do not...money flows and XH DENIES having ever abused DS.

The CFI has recommended DS see his dad. I cannot pin them down as to why. I am afraid to intervene when DS does not seem to be hesitant and the CFI sent me an email stating DS MUST go. However, as I stated, the fallout of seeing his dad was great.

I feel "threatened" as supervisor stated that research shows kids turn away from a parent that disses the other parent or prevents kid from seeing a parent. For the life of me, I don't see how spending time with a NPD abusive parent will benefit my DS.


Posts: 1547 | Registered: Mar 2007
WantOut
♀ Member
Member # 13960
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, April 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, DS is in IC and has a psychiatrist. IC has not responded to my emails or voice mails since DS saw his dad-I am not happy.

[This message edited by WantOut at 11:27 PM, April 17th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1547 | Registered: Mar 2007
wasafriend
♀ Member
Member # 27704
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, April 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

im glad i found this post, back when things were really bad between my husband and I (when he was having the affair i hadn't found out yet but knew things weren't right)i was haunted by my childhood SA it was in my mind day and night and it happened over 30 years ago. now im starting to see where the two are connected. this is helping me figure out whats going on with me thanks so much for the insight


me 47 bs
him 48 WS
friend / slut bag OW
4 children
M 20 years
DD 1/1/2009
tt 4 /18/2010
R im not sure any more because i don't know him any more only know hes a real good liar, trying to find myself
LTA at least a year (that I know abou

Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: mass
wasafriend
♀ Member
Member # 27704
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, April 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by wasafriend at 1:22 PM, April 19th (Monday)]


me 47 bs
him 48 WS
friend / slut bag OW
4 children
M 20 years
DD 1/1/2009
tt 4 /18/2010
R im not sure any more because i don't know him any more only know hes a real good liar, trying to find myself
LTA at least a year (that I know abou

Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: mass
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itspjw:

And part of me still believes that I could have stopped it sooner. Because when I finally did say no, it stopped. Why didn't I just say no sooner?

Just because it stopped when you said no doesn't mean that it would have. You didn't know that saying no would stop it. Saying "no" could have made it worse.

I don't know the details of your situation. I can only say that I didn't know that I could say "No" as a child. As a teen, if I had said "no" the guy would have raped me anyway. He told me, "We can do this the easy way or the hard way. It doesn't matter to me."

If I had fought, I would have still been raped. I may have gotten physically hurt by fighting. It makes me a little sick to think about. To think "I should have fought, I should have said no." I let them abuse me as a child and I let him rape me as a teen...
Yeah, and if I hadn't let them, both situations could have been worse. In both situations, just like in any situation with criminals, rapists and abusers, saying no could have made things worse.

I did not say no. You know what though, it is still on them and not me. It is not my fault and it is not your fault. "THEY" are the ones with the stains on their souls.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, April 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, wincings sparkle.
This is something I still struggle with, even though everyone I have talked to, including my H, IC, and here tell me the same thing. In my head I know it is true, but my heart is still having a hard time with it.

I think part of my problem is that I am very much a proponent of taking responsibility for one's own actions/decisions/choices. Even though intellectually I know that as a child I am not necessarily resonsible, I feel the need to take responsibility for every choice I have made.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itspjw,

Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer was instrumental in helping me believe in my heart that I wasn't responsible for my abuse. It also helped me with forgiving myself for all of the behavior that I engaged in during my teens and during my affair. (I know you are a BS, so maybe it would help you with your abuse and the hurt that you carry from your spouse's betrayal.)

Even though intellectually I know that as a child I am not necessarily responsible, I feel the need to take responsibility for every choice I have made.
Intellectually you know that a child is not responsible. Intellectually you can look at a child and know that the child is innocent. Now, look in the mirror and see that the child is you. The responsibility for the abuse lies at the feet of the abuser. Not the victim/survivor. Not even when the victim/survivor doesn't say no.

This truly is a responsibility that you don't have to carry. It was not your fault.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
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