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User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
elske
♀ Member
Member # 24671
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its

Understanding the pain and 'power of the pain' concerning shame is something I am working on understanding---as is WH.

There is that huge rift of knowing 'intellectually' that the abuse wasn't your fault--but to know it emotionally seems to be a very long road. My husband is struggling, too. I wish you the best on your path and send you ((hugs))).

You're courageous to keep pushing yourself through working on healing--while also dealing with the affair. I totally get just wanting to put it behind you.

Finding resources is slow going--thank goodness for the book names I found in this thread and things like your postings--every bit of info helps. WH found a SAS forum recently and it seems to be positive.

Your statement about being victims is so true. I know it's immature of me to say, but I wish there were some magic cure....

We'll all just keep trying...



D-day 7/2/09
Me-BW 32
WH 32 - For over 2 years or more--8 or so PAs,(makes no difference anymore) 1 EA.
WH was long term SAB by clergy member(in major therapy) had no clue until D-day.
Attempting R.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: north east
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ha! Yeah, I wish there was some magic cure, too, because believe me, I'd use it!

It's a long hard road to be on, and I am glad that your husband has IC to help him with it for now until he can find and be ready for a group.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sooooooo....

went to the second meeting tonight. We went around the table and shared from our homework. It was hard, and emotionally exhausting, but good.

I could relate to something in every one of their stories, even though all of our stories are different.

The group is very small, two leaders, one leader in training (all who have gone through this course themselves) and then the five of us, so eight in all. The group is closed now to new members so that we can all learn to trust and share with each other.

This weeks homework is going to be even harder, as it is going more in depth. They say we will probably take two meetings to cover it.

So tonight I am exhausted but feeling like I'm making progress, even if it is just baby steps.

I did stop to have a beer on the way home...just to have some time to myself before I have to face the family...

Where is that magic cure when I need it?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
baltimore
♀ Member
Member # 13766
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, February 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its....
I can tell you what my magic cure was... I went to a support group for a few months, then one day as we were going around giving a brief snapshot of why we were there I noticed a women sitting in the corner rocking back and forth. When it came her time to talk - she said she'd been in group therapy for 27 yrs. A light bulb went off for me right then... I got up - walked out and never looked back.

My dad was my abuser - I called him that night and told him. I have invested 4 years in therapy - I don't have 27 more to give to this. You took enough from me already - you will not get anymore of my time. It wasn't my fault, I was a child and I can't change it - so I'm moving on with my life - don't call or contact me for any reason.

I felt like the world was lifted from my shoulders when I hung up the phone.

I walked out of that meeting 14 years ago and have been fine.

I'm praying for your "lightbulb" moment.

Baltimore


Posts: 392 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: baltimore
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, February 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am SAS BS. It happened when I was around 8. I never told anyone...I handled it on my own. It was by an Uncle who was boarding with us...I woke up to find him molesting me. I was scared he would hurt me and rolled over away from him pretending I was still asleep. How did I handle it? I have two aunts who are nuns ...they sent me cards of saints...I would lay these out every night and pray to God(who was the only one that knew). I prayed that He would forgive me and not think I was a bad person. I then structured my life with always being a "good" person. The uncle married someone, eventually, to a girl with the same first name as me...so then had the same first and last name. They were married, had a daughter ...then divorced. No body could understand why he had to pay child support, but could have no contct with the daughter....I thought I knew.
I handled it on my own for 31 years...then he moved to a city closer...I had married and had just had my 4th child....he started phoning or coming by when he was in town with his new wife and kids. I couldn't sleep from nightmares everynight. I went to my doctor for help and she sent me to SAC. I did IC ...then was scheduled for group C. These were hard times for me to talk about my past for the first time. I wasn't very receptive to my husband during this...but I did want support. My WH says that he gave me space to deal with this....I took it as rejection. We started fighting....mostly me asking for more attention and tenderness. He had seemed to pull away from me so much.
I was just about to go into the Group C
when he left me to "give us some space to work on our marriage".
I pushed thru my own problems to treat him "GOOD" and proceeded to almost act like a slut while we weere apart. He got more and more distant and I eventually gave up. After 14 months he decided he wanted to come back...he said it was because he felt like he was loosing me. I let him come back and it was ok for the first couple of years. But I noticed taht his love making was turning into more of a quickie sex thing....no little or no foreplay..etc. We pulled away from each other more and more. He went out with the guys more and more til late and also overnight.
I was thinking of leaving when I found out I had an STD..at first he denied being with anyone else then admitted it happened while we were seperated 8 years before. He still justifies it in some part because "we were not getting along good when he left". Now I sit here waiting for him to let me know if he wants to try to make this marriage work. He gets upset or trys to put offf when I want to talk. He would like to just pretend that nothing is wrong and try to see if we can get along. B**SH**.

Sorry for the long story...but while in SAC it was said that CSAS can either not feel respect for themselves and their bodies and become "sexually loose" I think were the words...they can have multiple sex partners...and sometimes become prostitutes...but saometimes they will lean the other way and become goodie goodies to pretend that they are not a bad person. They will tend to become a doormat...trying always to please everyone and be a good person. Trying to hide the shame they feel for themselves.

Now it is like I am living thru so many feelings CSA, being a BS..and having an incurable STD all at once. And my WH doesn't see fit to talk to me about what he wants to do with this M.
I have gone back to our MC alone and he has told me to get him out of the house so I can start working on getting myself better....so has people on this site. I have had a talk with him about it...it ended without really anything settled, just a lot of anger and I am still in the same position and he keeps on putting off finishing the talk.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2500 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
slowlymending
♀ Member
Member # 26454
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, February 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump for newbie


BW-me

Slowlymending....

Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke


Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2009
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, February 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been working on childhood sexual abuse (CSAb) issues that I didn't even know that I had.
I'm a FWW, if you want to read some about my recovery with WAL the info is in the journal of my profile.

Wal had posted that I had just told him the bare "it happened at age blah and with blah". I didn't even think about it. I had disclosed the same to my psychologist. Dr. N didn't ever push the issue.

So, I started to give Wal the details. As I went through the retelling more and more came bubbling to the surface. I hadn't dealt with any of it. Who knew? Not me. I was not "hurt" physically by my molesters or by my rapist. I did not say "no" to the molesters when I was 4 years old to 11/12 years old nor did I say "no" to my rapist when I was 13/14 years old.
I minimized the effects that these events had on me. I didn't even call it abuse, molestation or rape. It was just something that happened. I was over it... I was wrong.

Wal and I talked about a lot of it and I went to see Dr. N. Wal offered to go with me. I wanted him to. I really, really wanted Wal to take me and hold my hand through this scary thing that I was facing. I said "No". I knew it was something that I had to face, I had to be able to do this myself. I had Wal's support and he was a phone call away.

I took myself to the appointment. I gave Dr. N the same details that I had given Wal. I got to the point where I told Dr. N that I was angry at my Mom for not stopping it and for making me feel like I had done something wrong, at my sister for being a participant in the abuse. My Dr. said he was glad I had finally made it to this point. ***WHAT!?*** He said he knew that it was there and when I was ready I would face it. He explained that to force the issue before could have caused more damage to my "fragile little mind" (okay Dr. N. said psyche). *I use humor a lot to minimize the pain, if this offends anyone...tough nookies, it's how I deal.* He also said that I would have to deal with what my mind was reminding me of unless I wanted to loose all the progress that I have made in the last 2 years. I set up an open door policy with my IC, if I call the secretaries get me in ASAP. It is a comfort to me to know I can go if I start to panic.

Anyway, it's lead to a lot of introspection. A lot of self discovery. This post is the first time I have spoken of this (abuse, molestation and rape: I'm still working on calling it what it is/was) to anyone but Wal and Dr. N. I'm not ready to share every little discovery here yet, I'm working on it. I have and am sharing with Wal. There are some people here at SI who are inspirational to me, who's bravery led me to the courage inside myself to start this post. (Thank you)

As I am able, I will post more. Today, this is enough.

W_S

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 2:36 PM, February 24th (Wednesday)]


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, February 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wincings_sparkle - You are very brave. Kudos to you for posting today!

I got kind of the same thing from my IC. When I finally told him that, yes, something did happen, he said that he knew already. I asked how he knew and he said that there was something in my face the first time he asked me, a year ago.

I had also never named it. I thought it was normal, that every little girl goes through it, it's just what happens, and duh, all men just want me for sex. What's to discuss??

In the ordinary course of life, I would read about sexual abuse, I read about it on this forum, my husband asked me about it, my friends talked about it, I even pointed out an instance about my best friend's friend from when they were little where I thought it was CSA... and I never made the connection with myself. It is mind-boggling how much denial is possible when your inner child brain compartmentalizes something away.

It is important to name it. Only then does it start to lose its power over you.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in.

My WW is a SAB.

It's all coming up now, and she had an EA with a man who reminds her of the perpetrator.


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she had an EA with a man who reminds her of the perpetrator.

I had an PA with APs that looked, acted and used me the same way as the people who abused, molested and raped me as a child(4 yrs old to 12 yrs old).

Wal and I were discussing this just a few days ago. It was a vomit inducing realization.

Quote: Re-enactment [...behaviors. ...] An example is a woman who was physically, sexually or verbally abused [...may become involved with people repeatedly...] that treat her the same way. She may feel that she is not worthy [...] or that she deserves being mistreated. Joyce Meyer: Beauty for Ashes.
[]= rewording to shorten

We also agree that CSAb is NOT an EXCUSE for Adultery (EA or PA). Yes, it added to the row of domino's that created a screwed up me. I made a choice to have an Affair, regardless of my issues, I still knew right from wrong.

I didn't realize the impact of the abuse. I just started cleaning up the pile of crap memories from my CSAb. We are 3+ years out and only started reconciling on January 6, 2010. My CSAb issues didn't come out until a week or two later during a discussion. The memories were not something I ever wanted to drag into the light of day.

I have to face the CSAb issues that I have on my own. I catch myself and check myself on using Wal's support as a crutch. I can appreciate his support. What I cannot do is become co-dependent after working so hard with my psychiatrist to stand on my own over the last few years.

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 9:39 AM, March 4th (Thursday)]


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what do you do? Just feel sorry for the SAB/WW and give them time and space to heal?

What about the fact that they cheated on you?


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
wincings_sparkle
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, um no. I don't know your situation. All I can say is, my BH made seeing a psychiatrist a condition of reconciliation. I had to "fix" myself. If you want my story for the first three years after our D-Day you can look at my journal in my profile.

My BH saved my life---Literally.

I didn't start dealing with CSAb issues until recently. I fixed the other things that were wrong with me first. I knew I had been molested and raped. I'm just now learning how that ties in with being bi-polar and having the self-esteem of a gnat.
I don't know what you do other than take it one day at a time.

Have you read through The Healing Library(top left corner in the yellow box)?
Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and Not Just Friends(sorry I don't know the authors name) are good books that help some people with dealing with adultery. Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer is a good starter book for your wife dealing with SAb (FYI: it is Christian based). The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis is a SAb book. It's companion book Allies in Healing by Laura Davis is for the Spouses of SAb survivors.
I know that reading, reading and more reading SI and the recommended books have helped a lot of people, my husband included. We wouldn't be reconciling without SI.

I'm sorry you find yourself here.

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 4:58 PM, March 4th (Thursday)]


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 3:13 AM, March 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't make IC a condition for R because she is not particularly interested in R right now.

It's all about her and her pain.

My pain doesn't matter, right? :(

The truth is, she is starting IC on her own. Not as part of R, but for her own sake.

I guess that is the right reason.

But I just don't see where I fit in all of this.


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is starting IC next week.

She wants me to know that this is her way of putting in effort to save our marriage.

OK, that's nice. But it's not enough.

What about giving me verbal reassurances that the EA is over, and that she actually WANTS to be married to me?

Is that too much to ask for at this point in time?

Do I just keep doing the 180 while she is in IC, and wait for her to come around and start R?


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
sadskittles
♀ Member
Member # 21232
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not posted much on SI in the past 6 months or so and not in this thread since a few months after D-Day.

Why am I here?

I have finally made the decision that I cannot run away from my SA anymore. I have never talked to a counselor about my SA from my childhood. To be completely honest... I am scared shitless.

I have an appointment with a SAC tomorrow to go through the intake process. They are going to help me get set up with an IC counselor that will work with my insurance and that specializes in SA. They are also going to get me involved with some group sessions as well. I made the appointment a couple of weeks ago and I nearly broke down on the phone with the receptionist. When she intially answered the phone I almost hung up without saying a word. I feel like it is going to take every ounce of strength that I have to make it out of my car and into that office tomorrow.

I have hid from these problems for so long... the thought of facing them is terrifying. I cannot continue to live the way I have been though... something has to change. I feel like by dealing with the SA I will actually address the root of my problems. It is where my mental idsorders comes from, my eating disorder, my lack of self esteem, my interpersonal relationships (specifically with men), etc.

I don't even know why I am posting this.... I guess I just need some support and hugs. This is so hard.


Moving on... without him and stronger for it.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Wisconsin
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jsngold -

The truth is, she is starting IC on her own. Not as part of R, but for her own sake.

I guess that is the right reason.

Yes, this is the right reason. She cannot change for anyone else, only for herself.

But I just don't see where I fit in all of this.

Have you started IC, also?

What about giving me verbal reassurances that the EA is over, and that she actually WANTS to be married to me?

Is the EA over, in fact? You can absolutely ask her about this. Demand that she tell you.

As far as wanting to be married... I know that as far as you are concerned, the affair was a nothing, she should turn it off like a switch, turn back to you, and everything should go back. But, it doesn't work that way.

As sucky as it is to think this way... the affair was a relationship that she will need time to get over. (Yes, I know exactly how that sounds and how much it grates. I know this.) So, at this moment, she probably cannot tell you she wants to stay married.

If this is a dealbreaker for you, you have every prerogative to walk. Absolutely. You do not need to wait around for her. You do not need to work with her. It is your right to get out.

She is in what this website calls "the fog". I don't like the term, but it's fairly accurate for how the WS is sleepwalking around in the early days after dday.

After the fog clears, she should come to her senses.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadskittles -

I have hid from these problems for so long... the thought of facing them is terrifying

You are being very, very brave. I applaud you. The silence is what keeps you in that prison. Breaking that silence gets rid of the chains. It won't be easy... it is a long, long journey. One step at a time.

Remember, the abuser is not there with you in that room. He cannot hurt you now. No matter how much you hurt in that office, no matter how much your heart pounds, no matter how terrified you feel, you will survive and walk out of that office.

And you will be stronger for it. Be brave, sister. Break the silence.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
sadskittles
♀ Member
Member # 21232
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UnexpectedSong,

Thank you for the support. I think what I am afraid of more than anything else is actually admiting what happened to me to a stranger. It is almost like I am confirming I am a victim. I have spent so many years covering it up and blaming myself.

I know I can do this. I will be a stronger woman because of it.


Moving on... without him and stronger for it.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Wisconsin
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is almost like I am confirming I am a victim

There is no shame in being a victim. The shame always belongs to the abuser.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
dying in remorse
♀ New Member
Member # 27518
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some common vunerablities of sex abuse victims:

1) Low self esteem/sense of worthlessness. For those who were repeatedly abused they percieve there only value in having sex or being used for sex. They have a hard time seeing themselves beyond this. Often they cannot accept compiments, cannot accept loving relationship is because they don't feel worthy of being loved.

2) Disassociate. Victims learn both in the begginning of being abused then later as a coping mechanism to disassociate themselves from the abuse from their attacker. During the abuse the victim will learn to pick a spot on the ceiling or wall and focus on it until the abuse was over. After the abuse is over they learn to disassociate the every day person from the person abused. It allows them to seperate the pain of abuse from the everyday life.

3) Minimizing. Abuse victims learn to minimize the abuse. After all if they convince themselves its not abuse then they are not victims...who wants to be a victim. Or if they convince themselves the abuse wasn't all that bad then don't feel the urgency to face it to deal with it.

4) Compartmentalize. Abuse victims learn to comparmentalize things. If they store painful memories in the far reaches of their mind then don't have to live with it constantly. The memories are still there unlike suppressing or repressing memories.

5) Secrecy. Abuse victims learn real early you don't tell. Often a skilled (word used loosely) predator can tell which children will or won't tell. And of course they go after the child they think won't tell. In closer relationships where the abuser is a someone known to the victim they rely on pressure and manipulating the victim into silence. They may say things like be quiet you don't want to people to know you did this or that. They may imply some type of harm will come to the victim and in some cases outright threaten the victim should they tell.

6) Self blaming. This comes in many forms. The abuser themselves while try and convince their victim they "wanted it" or they "enjoyed it". The victim might have a physical reaction to the abuse. They will say well if I felt something if I responded then I must have wanted it in someway. Finally society will project blame....good girls don't do that. For boys straight boys don't do that and so on.

7) Lack of empathy. Not surprising that if you learn to ignore your own abuse then you won't be very aware of other persons pains.

8) Distorted sexuality. Sex becomes something that is based on control not on love and pleasure. The victim sees sex a way to get "secondary gains". If I submit to this then I will be liked, loved or even just left alone. They see sex as unpleasant, as hurtful as being less of significane. In short they take those skills of minimizing, disassociation and apply it to their sexuality. Sex is less about pleasure and more about who is the boss.

This describes so many of my life long feelings. I don't talk about them because I don't want them to be my issues or want people to see me for my issues. As an adult it is easy to recognize these thoughts and behaviors in myself and re-direct them but there are times that I don't always see it. It hasn't seemed to be an issue for a long time until now.


FWW 30 (ME)
BH 34 (My Love)
Married 7 years
Together 9 1/2 years
D-day 2-1-10
Children
2 boys - ages 12 & 7
1 girl - age 5

Our abusers may have thought they broke us, beat us, dominated and manipulated us, but they strengthened us.


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