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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have bought and started a book.

I am very distraught over my most recent memory. Can't seem to work my way through it.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
survivor girl
♀ Member
Member # 21552
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, September 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((Humboldtmom))))))))

You are not, nor ever were, responsible for your sisters'
choices. We're only responsible for our own.

The only thing we have control over is ourselves.

You did the absolute best you could as a child to survive your situation, just as your sister did.

None of it is your fault. None. I so hope you find peace.


FWW

SAB survivor

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt." --Shakespeare

"Just DO it" ---Nike

D-Day March 2006


Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2008
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, September 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks again for having a place to share feelings! I survived the viewing. It didn't look like her and was a little hard to take but loved that family was there. My nephew got to be there-he actually requested it. Very respectful, he would've made her proud. And the probation officers with him were also respectful to give him his space and just observe from afar.

Just a real tough place right now. I tried to explain to FWH that I appreciated his support for me, but it's also very complex given the circumstances. I mean he's there for my grief, but he also conspired with my sister to cause me grief. She would hate that he was there since she hated him and blamed him for me not being close with her. Luckily he worked the night of the viewing so I got that time alone.

My "bad" thoughts during the viewing were at one point I was thinking of the people she had slept with. Four of them (that I know of) were there. It was weird and I almost felt bad to think of it that way.

I really wish FWH was capable of showing SOME emotion. He makes me afraid to show my own emotions b/c of his previous (11 yrs worth) of reactions whenever I'm emotional. Plus I was trying 180 before this so i guess "no emotion" is there in the back of my head somewhere. But the last time he slept w/her was when she OD'ed on some pills and was attempting suicide. He blew it off & says "She was just looking for attention" and that angers me so much towards him!

In that particular situation, he totally fucken took advantage of both her & me. I mean, in his mind, she tried to get people to think she would do something, just so they'd run to her & she'd then feel better about herself. But my take is that she wanted to commit suicide and he came along and took advantage, talks to her, then asks her for a condom!!! and then she feels now that "someone only loves me if they sleep with me and that's my self-worth all wrapped up in sex" just perpetuating the shit that SAB already did to her.

So the fact that she took her life really gets me pissed off at him for that instance. And I more relate to her with the pain she was in. But also pissed that her pride was worth more than an apology to me so that we could get on like we used to do, on and off. Not like we were always best friends. Another SAB effect, I've heard that it makes it hard for siblings to carry on a relationship if they were abused.

OK, I guess I rambled plenty.

Glad that you here are supporting each other & getting reading material to further your own healing. Good to see that hope!!!


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, September 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that alcohol is NOT the way to deal with this, but, just for tonight, I am down in F&G on D's drinking thread and am forgetting it for a little while.

I do know I will have to deal with it tomorrow. It is worth it just to get a respite.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, September 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, the respite I gave myself last night was good.

Today, I had another memory.

Not good.

How much worse can it get?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't even go to bed.

Because I remember the sheets.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its,
I just want to say that I hear you.

It's strange how it works, but for me whenever I was in a safe place (mentally) then more memories started coming out. I hated it b/c then it was hard to feel comfortable. it was like, damn I just started to feel good! But I think we're built that way so that the bad stuff comes out during a more stable time in our lives so we can deal with it.

Just a thought. And you are in my thoughts, you and your journey to healing.


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, humboldtmom.

I completely understand and agree with what you said.

I still don't want to go to bed and lay on the sheets...even though mine are NOT white...

Come to think of it...I have NEVER had white sheets.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, how do I tell my husband I can't go to bed because it has sheets on it?

This sucks. so stupid.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have NEVER had white sheets

OMG... (((itspjw)))

I am so sorry!


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, US.

I'm feeling a little better today. I'm really glad I have an IC appt tomorrow.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

omg, its. that sounds like a miserable weekend. I hope you're doing ok today.

I found a book online that looks like it might be good for me... one on acquaintance rape.

I also started reading Passionate Marriage. It's for couples and I'm not anymore, but it has some interesting information. I think it's too much for me to get into now, but it's about how our sexual relationships tells us things about our marital relationships. Interesting... but I'm not ready to face that yet. Besides, I'm not in a relationship right now.


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
mlwalker95
♂ New Member
Member # 25499
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am reposting this from the general forum:

I am 57 and it seems that I still suffer from the effects of what my Dad did to me at 13. Will I ever be healed or is this something that will plague me forever?

My wife and I talked last night about the abuse in a way that we never have before. She asked me to tell her exactly what happened. It was difficult. Mostly embarrassing. I have always remembered just one incident. For years I have tried not to think about the details so they became like pieces of a puzzle in my mind. As I put the pieces together for my wife it became evident that I was working on 2 different pictures. It dawned on me that there had to have been a second incident. This was disturbing. Burn me once shame on you, burn me twice shame on me as the old saying goes. I had gotten better at placing the blame for the first incident where it belonged ... at my fathers feet. However, last night I fell right back into blaming myself for the second incident. My wonderful wife has proven to be a great therapist and as we continue to talk she is convincing me that I was the child, the victim no matter how many times that it happened. I can't help but wonder ... have I repressed the memory of a third incident?


I am married to the most wonderful, caring, understanding, and forgiving woman in the world.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((mlwalker95))))))

It was NOT your fault. No matter how many times.

I wonder too just how many times it happened. I always remembered three (two different people) but I now know there is more. I just don't know how much more.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mlwalker -

have I repressed the memory of a third incident?

How much do you need to know? Is it sufficient to know that the violation occurred?

There are three responses to a traumatic event: fight, flight, or freeze. Abusers count on the last one. The whole "fool me once, fool me twice" paradigm does not apply here. You were not being "fooled", you were being deliberately manipulated into a specific behavior (silence, compliance, repression).

In my case, I know it was at least 2 times, possibly a few years. I don't remember, nor do I need to.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some people need to remember, some don't. It's just a matter of whether you can move on not knowing.

I am not there yet--Although I don't know yet if I will need to know everything, right now I need to know more.

Talking about it with your wife is a wonderful step towards healing. My H knows I was abused, but not the details. My IC just encouraged me to talk to him as much as I can about it, since he is very understanding and compassionate about it.

Speaking of which, are you in IC?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coming back to say...

I need to remember more because what I don't remember is affecting my life now.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, September 19th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New memories. ugh.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, September 19th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The molester's mom had the nerve to come to the funeral. And she hugged me and said, "Oh we just never saw this coming. Why would she ever do something like this?" And I bit my tongue & didn't say, "Maybe because your son molested her and fucked up the rest of her life?" But it also gave me a tad bit of good feelings knowing that she was probably attending the funeral out of guilt. She herself was very abusive (verbally, physically, emotionally) to us as children.

I don't know why I started to post, but I guess I got a short vent out. Just jumping right now between sadness, anger, stress and nothingness. I can't sort out whether the emotions are abuse-related, affair-related, grief-related, or just general life stress-related. All this shit is intermingled and I try my best to keep a straight head, but I yell more at my kids, my husband and just generally get stressed more.


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
baltimore
♀ Member
Member # 13766
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone have a magic wand to help deal with ANGER? What have you done that helps?

Posts: 392 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: baltimore
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