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User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
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Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I might fully agree that it is my fear of what could happen is driving me more than anything else. I may be way off base, but I know I am very afraid.

With out the reassurance and consistant progress (that you can see) it's hard to get past the "what could happen" thoughts.

It's doubley hard when both people are full of frustration with each other, and with themselves.

Backing off only frustrates you more, while it seems to calm her. Avoidence only brings a false (and fake) sense of well being.

I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm not in the best place right now either. The choice to give in or give up is hard, especially when it's someone you not only love, but know that they are the way they are not of their choosing.

Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone ...

Posts: 14749 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Member # 7223
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that, before this happened to me, I never realized how completely devastating this type of betrayal really was. I guess I always related it to high school dating where cheating was fairly common and not as big a deal. Now I know differently but only because I've lived it.

This is part of a post by CluelessBlond over in General but I brought it here because it explains to me my WS thinking. One more example of his "teen-age" emotions having such a huge affect on our lives.

[This message edited by orchid at 9:29 AM, May 1st (Tuesday)]

You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
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Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a survivor of sexual abuse from my father and step-father. I was a betrayed spouse. I did not cheat.

I just cannot bring myself to read what the rest of the posts in this thread....I just cannot do it.

I have noticed, without really doing much research, that some people totally block out the details of their sexual abuse. It appears that I am not one of those people. I can tell you the gory details. I think I remember them all...of course I could have suppressed something. I wonder if being able to remeber what happened makes me more mentally healthy than others might sister, for example, is BPD and does not remember a thing.

I believe I have made particular choices in my life because of the sexual abuse. Not a single relationship I have ever had has been a healthy one. I even fooled myself for 17 years believing my XH was a good man. It was such a shock to find out he could be so cruel during and since the divorce.

I know I make choices that do not lead to what I want. I know I have self esteem issues...I look in the mirror sometimes and see the uglies freak looking back at me.

I wonder if I will ever have the judgement to find a nice and kind partner...or will the rest of my life be alone with no one I can trust (even my own mother witnessed the abuse and did nothing.)

I just want a normal life.

I hope this made sense.

Posts: 3974 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't post right now but just wanted you to know I read your post and am thinking of you. I will try to post in the morning before I go to work.

You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
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Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has came up in my life, not dealing with the SaB, caused my acting out years ago. It is new BH. SaB survivors that are WS's are different (sorry BS's we are), we are dealing with dual issues. Our Sab created the behavior, if we are a true FWS we are dealing with it, our BS's are dealing with how could you do this? and we aree also dealing weith how could we do this as well as how could someone do this to me! when I was too young to deal with this. I wasd entitled to a childhood at least past 5 years are old.
When we deal with acting out as I am, I had such a disconnect on so many things grief over my daughter, I had no outlet that made sense..

I was so crazy with grief it brought the ONS's on.

Side track sorry -
I've live my life with guilt , SaB, feeling I killed my daughter...
Never good enough

Sorry rambling, just needed to ge these things out.
ty Joy

Just me now and my girls
26 & 23

Posts: 1674 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: San Diego
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Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how we will get through not only dealing with the hurt of the As but also the healing that needs to occur from the history of abuse especially since WS isn't ready to acknowledge it (it was truly horrific from what very little I know) and I'm only just starting to admit that I, too, haven't gotten over my own experience in that area (which does pale in comparison). It seems so overwhelming to have to deal with it all at the same time. Just dealing with one or the other issue is enough for one lifetime. But I don't see how we can heal from one and not heal from the other. I'm rambling too...

Posts: 74 | Registered: Mar 2007
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Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweeting, Please try to read the posts. I think you might find some very helpful words and advice. Stunned-Dad had a post not long ago about SAb victims not being able recognize predatory people, you might want to read it.
jp, I do not think there is any question that you have to deal with a trama not unlike the betrayel of a WS. As a child you should have been able to trust, you couldn't and so what could you build your lifes beliefs on. We all need that safe place in our lives, yours was stolen a long time ago.

You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
Member # 7223
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having said that, I am trying to work through some real anger issues right now. Some at my H for the things he said and did during his affairs andat the man who was his abuser for stealing from my H, me, and our kids!

You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
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Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A couple things:

-- Stunned_Dad said, "I am distinguishing sex abuse victims by splitting them in two groups...those that never dealt with past abuse for whatever reason and remain vunerable and those that were also past victims but dealt with it and now are free from those defecits."

I would say there's also a third group: Survivors who dealt with their past but insufficiently. My ex is one such survivor. She's highly functioning except for her inability to form close emotional bonds and her excessive need for praise/reaffirmation. Those things were part of her reasons for having two affairs and for eventually seeking a divorce.

She got counseling for her SAb after we were married and she felt safe in facing the abuse and her father. But while the therapy helped her through the process of confronting her father and announcing what happened to the rest of her family, it did an incomplete job in helping her fully understand the impacts of the abuse on her.

She quit counseling and group therapy relatively quickly, believing she had gotten all she needed and that it was time for her to move on. I suspect now she quit because she was only comfortable exploring her issues to a certain level and mistakenly believed that being very functional on a daily basis was all she needed

Just Tired is among those who've said their survivor-spouses won't get counseling, that they feel they don't need it. But SAb is too complicated, too pervasive in its effects, for anyone to get past it on their own. And insufficient counseling is as bad as no counseling.

-- My "working theory" of why my ex did all that she did was developed post-divorce, and I continue to refine it. Lately, I stumbled on a related realization: Perhaps my W chose to divorce because I pushed too hard for us to communicate and be close emotionally. I wouldn't accept going back to the way things were -- when we got along very well as friends but deep issues weren't discussed.

It's possible I drove her away, not realizing the SAb mechanisms at work.

And I wonder whether I could've resuscitated the marriage even if I had realized the effects her SAb may have been having on her. I wonder if she would've refused to consider returning to therapy; perhaps even the suggestion would've made her run.

A couple months ago, I sent her a letter gently outlining what I thought had happened -- how I thought her SAb had influenced her decisions -- and telling her I forgave her.

There has been no reply. I didn't expect one, and I don't believe one ever will come. For her, lack of acknowledgement is her comfort zone.

The silence can be agonizing. After 23.5 years of marriage -- a truly sound marriage -- you'd think someone would have more to say about choosing to end it. But that's how profoundly SAb can affect someone.

Edited to add: Near the time she decided to divorce, my W began making preparations to get a second degree so she could teach. She mentioned a couple times that if she were divorced, she would be eligible for financial aid. Was that also a factor in her decision? I wonder about this as well.

[This message edited by TwistedInside at 12:26 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday)]

Me: BS; divorced Nov. 1, 2005, after 23 years of marriage
Incredible kids: Two
Current status: Remarried! 11/28/09
So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key

Posts: 2049 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Illinois
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Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to drop in and say thanks for posting. I have learned so much from you guys that have and are traveling that hard unforgiving road of life post SAb. I know as a spouse it is very hard to watch all of the after effects. And sometimes even harder to deal with issues that arise that are direct results of the control and influence this injustice brings into our lives.

I can so see the teen/preteen mentality in the way some emotions are dealt with. I know how it is to stand in the middle and have to take the beating that comes from both sides..

Sweeting - if I may, my heart is just going out to you. I wish I could send strength as well. In the last couple of day my W has stated to identify her SAb issues. I know how much it hurts her. One of the things we talked about is the blocking out of blocks of time. She recalls event to a moment and then "wakes up" later to very different circumstances. Not logical changes. she worrieds about those. I think it is times that "events" actually happened. I have a hard time hearing them, but I am so very gateful that she allows me that spot of trust to be able to tell me and to include me in her journey. I hope that I can gain strength from it and not anger.

I think that happiness is available to all. but i also believe that one must come to grips with their demons first. We can do all the mechanics of life and say life is good. But if we allow something taumatic to control our thoughts, actions and fears. Then it is all false bravado. this not only restriced to SAb. It is also the loss of a child. jp - I can so relate to your suffering on that. These are my demons that have taken me so close to ending my very being. I am still in the fight and even I don't know how it will end.

Many times we are controlled by our demons and then we create more just by the choices we make. And then it just logritmicly increases. It is us that have to find the stength inside to confront these demons.

NowIknow - you are so right. You can't heal from one and not the other. they are both intertangled like cancers. This is part of what my fight ahas been about. I love my W so much. I have fought a long and very bitter fight. I am not sure of the outcome. i pray t hat it will work out. But I am strengthened by her attempts now to deal with the issues. I am even more glad that she has asked for my uderstanding of the upcoming trials and for my support. I would hope the journey can be made a little bit easier with some support. stay strong and ask what you are willing to do to help. When I made that decision, I never imagined the depths it would take me. In some ways i wish that I would have perished in the attempt. just to relieve the pressure on me from it. But for the most part I guess i am grateful for a more positive outcome. I know that what I need most now is some time.

This is a hard subject. it is so hard for both sides. But I have learned so much from both sides of it.

I hope that all will continue to post here. It provides a relief for you and a source of knowledge to the rest of us.

Thank You

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
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Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as I know, I never blocked out any of it. My sister did. She is diagnosed BPD. I was molested by my father and step-father as well as physically abused by my step-father.

There are times when I can talk in detail about what happened.

I have confronted my mother (present in the room for some of the abuse.) That really didnt get me anywhere. (She said: As GAWD is my witness, I had NO idea!) I havent bothered confronting my father. He knows what he did. My stepfater was out of the picture a long time ago and is dead.

I went through a long period of time when I thought that somehow I was a bad person and this is why bad things happened to me...that I was ugly. My stepfather basically told me that was what I was on earth for.

I need reassurance in the beginnng of a relationship. I need to be told I am beautiful. I hope that I will be beautiful to someone someday. I hope to be loved someday.

I posted in dating that my emotions have been all over the place since DDay. I am upset with myself because I make poor judgements...even when I think I have met a nice person.

I need to say that a few years before my divorce I thought about cheating. I did not do it, first of all, because it would hurt my XH, second becuase it was a lie, and third because it would hurt my daughter. It should be noted that my counselor says my XH is probably antisocial/BPD.

There is so much more I could write on the subject...

For the most part, throughout my life, I have had a sense of feeling unworthy. For years I was caught in the egocentric idea that somehow I caused this abuse to happen to me. I did not lash out...I lashed in.

For several years before DDay I was doing very well. He dropped the bomb of infidelity in my lap and resurrected so many fears of abandonment and my percieved inadequacy.

Posts: 3974 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I went to IC today and OMGosh I cried and cried and cried somemore. She had me talk about stuff that happen to me when i was a little girl and this stuff I have Blocked for 21 yrs and she made me talk about it, I was SOOOOOOOOOOO SICK Thats is something I NEVER wanted to relive and I had to do it today and tell details of what happen
So needless to say i left IC in masive tears and wanting to hate my IC so bad for making me open that part of my life

For women that have been abused sexualy in anytime in their life and that goes for you men too. You know how HARD it was and how bad I wanted to just get up and run like hell from her office, But I have ran from it for the last 21 yrs I guess its time for me to stop running and face the dragon head on, weither I like it or not I have to do it!!

Thanks for listing to my vent, You all are the greatest!!

P.S. I was told to post this here!!

me: bs/ ws 27
him: ws/bs 37 (his still cheating but I stoped!)
1 child together she is 19 months old

Posts: 211 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Calif.
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Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, May 4th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ask -thank you for sharing that. My W just restarted her IC for this and is directing the efforts towards that end.

It is very hard for her to relive those experiences. I know she is afraid of it and the nightmar that she has had with it.

Prayers and strength to you. Find the strength to continue. You don't deserve that burden and hopefully this will lighten that load.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
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Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, May 4th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

I am new to this thread. How are you all dealing with being a SAb survivior? How do you know if you've healed from this experience?


FWW | me
BS | him
DD | 11.2006

Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2007
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Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, May 6th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am up late and having an extremely hard time.
Watching a movie (the gift) that deals with sexul abuse.. and as a survivor.... it is really hurting me.
For those of you on this thread who are survivors...
Do you find that movies or books that deal with Sexual Abuse trigger you?
I have done so much therapy.. and felt that I had healed from this..
But tonight..
well the monster is still at the door

“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

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Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, May 6th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurtingsobadly - I don't think you ever heal - you survive - you move on.

Metamor.... I really don't trigger any more with the Sab - not sure why - just don't. I know I still look if I see an older man in a car with a little girl - always look to see where his hands are. Other than that - really no triggers.

Wishing you both much happiness and peace....

Posts: 392 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: baltimore
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Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, May 6th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heck I trigger over the sab on the news!! And over movies!! In MHO I think the monster will always be there, But You have to have FAITH in God that he will heal the pain so when the triggers come up it wont tear you down!!

I have became closer to God to I know he will take that landfill (the SAB) in my life and turn it into a garden where I can help other there their pain and tears!!

So the way I look at it now, is it isnt a monster so to speak its God working the Garden for you to help others!!

me: bs/ ws 27
him: ws/bs 37 (his still cheating but I stoped!)
1 child together she is 19 months old

Posts: 211 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Calif.
just tired
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Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, May 7th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just want to ask a quick question.

My husband is a sab when he was twelve. He had an affair.

Okay now for me. I am confused by me. I read sexual healing journey to leartn about him and found me. So my counselor says I was sexually abused. Well the oral sex between me and my cousin at about 12 or 13 I think was mutually agreed upon. I do not remember. In fact had blocked it til my husband said my cousin told him I liked oral sex. Then lots of memories came back. Like my cousin coming to my house when parents gone and me fighting him off.

What I do not remember is what happened after my mother caught us in the act. That is where sexual abuse comes in my counselor says. Whatever my Mom(do not remember if Dad was there or not)did was horrible evidently. The scene in the counselors office involved me screaming, holding my stomach, scrabbling around on the floor and ended with me screaming I hate you. Still don't know what she did.

I was relived to know that and realize where my feelings of sex being dirty came from. Mom use to say if we had sex before marriage we would go to hel and dad would throw us out. I liked sex and do again. Still have trouble thinking sex is not dirty and that because I like sex I am not dirty. I know God made it and in marriage it is okay and right.

So do you think what she said is right? That the sexual abuse is how my mom reacted? By the way, she is bipolar and can be so mean.

Got to go to work. will check later.

I think I may be bipolar too. Just not as bad as her sometimes. It scares me. And it also scares me that I do again like sex.

Posts: 1008 | Registered: Aug 2006
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Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sexual abuse it hard to deal with anyways and with your mom acting on it like she did has made it worse on you, since you were just a child!! So I would have to agree with what your IC is saying.

I know when I relived my whole deal in my IC office I thought that woman didnt have enough tissue in her office to wipe away the tears!! It was the biggest nightmare of my life of having to deal with the SA and talking about it in grave details!! Anyways if you have any questions at all you can PM if you would like!


me: bs/ ws 27
him: ws/bs 37 (his still cheating but I stoped!)
1 child together she is 19 months old

Posts: 211 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Calif.
just tired
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Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me and my cousin were the same age. I don't look at what we did as sexual abuse. Maybe him coming to the house afterwards so many times and trying to have sex with me was. But I told no one because of how my Mom reacted when she caught us and I felt like it was my fault. I let him and liked it. See? We were the same age and it was mutual. Maybe the after I got caught stuff he did was. But that was my fault and I could not tell anyone because it was my fault anyway. I stopped, he did not want to.

So what Mom did was the sexual abuse? I am confused.

Posts: 1008 | Registered: Aug 2006
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