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Newest Member: ThrownAwayTwice (43226)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
survivor girl
♀ Member
Member # 21552
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, August 26th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is a very good, lifelong,type of friend. the type you know that even if you haven't spoken to them in 20 years, they would be at your side in a heartbeat.

She knows EVERYTHING about me...except this.

Its, I wish I knew what else to say....your IC sounds good...are you going weekly?
Sometimes I couldn't wait to go, other times, I had to drag my ass to her office.


FWW

SAB survivor

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt." --Shakespeare

"Just DO it" ---Nike

D-Day March 2006


Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, August 26th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC is great. I am going weekly right now. Kind of like you, sometimes I can't wait, sometimes I really dread it. But as hard as it sometimes is, it is always helpful.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
elske
♀ Member
Member # 24671
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, August 26th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading through this thread. My husband is an SAB survivor.

We're tackling this and his infidelity at the same time.

I noticed a suggestion for a site aest.org or something like that,...it seems they've been shut down since March. I've been checking out malesurvivor.org also, as has he.

Any other suggestions? For SAB survivors or their spouses?

We're in MC and he's in IC, but as I'm sure anyone else who can relate knows, it's nice to have a few resources.

TIA!


D-day 7/2/09
Me-BW 32
WH 32 - For over 2 years or more--8 or so PAs,(makes no difference anymore) 1 EA.
WH was long term SAB by clergy member(in major therapy) had no clue until D-day.
Attempting R.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: north east
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, August 27th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

try aftersilence.com


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, August 28th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so...

I know that my past affected my ability to have a normal sex life with my H. It was normal for the first few years, until the past caught up with me and I had to start dealing with it.

He KNEW about that past. At least as much as I knew about. He knew it affected my ability to have a normal relationship. I wanted help with that.

I didn't get it.

Did he just not understand? How can that be when he seems so understanding NOW?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
all4love
♀ Member
Member # 25127
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, August 28th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am an Incest SAS. I KNOW that's part of my EA (s-might be two, definitely one). I've done a lot of IC on it and talked to some other SAS. All the ones I've talked to say the same thing: it's so much easier to think of having sex with a stranger (though I never did) than with our spouses because of Intimacy issues. Far easier. Any other Incest SAS had success in getting beyond that? I find I'm fine and then a WALL just arises. Anyone know a great IC or even sex therapist specializing in Incest SAS? Thanks!


Had EA for 6 months
NC 16 mos though randomly ran into him 5/10
D-DAY Nov 2008
In R-M 12 1/2 years
2 beautiful boys (9 and 11 yrs old.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Los Angeles
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, August 28th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry...

it's aftersilence.org


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
copingwithdoubts
♀ Member
Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, August 28th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently found out that I have reasons to be posting in this forum...as well as a couple of others in the ICR category. My H is a Sab survivor. Today is not going well for me...please send me some positive thoughts and prayers,as my emotions are overwhelming today. Thanks in advance,
CWD




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, August 28th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((coping)))))))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Frustrated  Posted: 5:34 PM, August 29th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The mind movies are bad today.

But they get to a certain point and stop, rewind and start again. I haven't yet seen the end of any of them. I'm still waiting for those memories.

Part of me wants to hurry up and just remember so I can deal with it, but obviously another part of me does not want to.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
survivor girl
♀ Member
Member # 21552
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, August 30th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But they get to a certain point and stop, rewind and start again. I haven't yet seen the end of any of them. I'm still waiting for those memories.

Itspjw, you may never get to the end of your movies. My memories have primarily been snapshots, pictures, just moments in time. I do have one that is complete, others that seem like a leader to a new movie..spotty, sequential scenes...

Everyone is different. Glad you have a great IC for this.


FWW

SAB survivor

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt." --Shakespeare

"Just DO it" ---Nike

D-Day March 2006


Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, August 30th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what my IC says, too, survivor girl. I may not ever remember everything, and that's okay.

I hate not remembering. I feel like there is a piece of me missing. Not a good piece, but still something that carved the person I am today.

And, like you, most of my memories are just flashes, snapshots, moments in time. I only have a couple that are complete, but with a couple others I have some but not all. A couple that I have had enough flashes that they became a movie.

I have been having a new "snapshot" since yesterday that I am think I am trying not to believe. I don't think I am going to get any further with anything, either further memories or healing, until I process it. It's bad, the worse one so far, and I just don't want to believe that it happened. How do I know my mind is not just making it up, trying to fill in the blanks?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
debbied
♀ Member
Member # 25354
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, August 30th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

omg It seems that I am totally messed up.The relationship I have had seems to fall into so many categories on this site.I was sexually abused as a child.My h then sexually abused me.He also is a si.before my A he was downloading huge amounts of porn.chatting to ow having emotional A.I then became the ws having an A 3 years ago.After this we sought counselling but after counselling my h sexually abused me more degraded me and I ended up in a refuge.police were involved.He was then treated by a psychiatric nurse for his SI and abuse on me and his use of sex as a punishment.After he remained controlling-I daren't get friends as I was affraid how he would react.He was still verbally abusive and still wanted sex everyday and would threaten he would get it somewhere else if I didn't comply.I left him.He returned saying he wanted more help and that he had had 3 A since my A.I remained totally calm when he told me of his A and did not ask many details.He gave me details like names that I didn't ask for.I believed him and agreed to try and work at things.One day I asked about last A because he was tavelling1.5 hours away to see her and asked how many times a week he saw her.He replied 3-I was shocked but when I let him know my shock at how he had managed this he said how dare I when I had cheated.On the 26 aug I discovered he had lied about the 3 A-to the extent of lying about names-why I don't know.It seems he has had numerous 1 nighters and several A-all the time screaming at me how disgusting I am and that he could never do that.He has beenn on dating sites for over a year it could be more.He has been emailing and receiving explicit pics.I confronted him and got angry.He said he can't take my anger and that I am a hipocrite.He said he never wants to see or hear from me again.We have 2 children.I texted him to say I will be civil and sorry for my anger plz let me know when you want to see kids.I have heard nothing.he refuses to answer my calls.I'm an emotional wreck.I don't know if he's lied about everything.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Aug 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, August 30th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still trying to figure out how to tell what is real and what is not. I so don't want to believe in what might not be real, just my mind trying to fill in the gaps, but at the same time, I want to really know what really happened.

This latest snapshot? I so don't want to believe. How do I know how to tell what is real?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
survivor girl
♀ Member
Member # 21552
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, August 30th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still trying to figure out how to tell what is real and what is not. I so don't want to believe in what might not be real, just my mind trying to fill in the gaps, but at the same time, I want to really know what really happened.
This latest snapshot? I so don't want to believe. How do I know how to tell what is real?

Its, I know exactly what you mean. It will take time. Lots of it. You can't rush this.

I'd remember something particularly heinous and was totally fixated. It would often take me many sessions in IC before it would fully process..for me, when I had those first flashbacks, I immediately would have the urge to cut...which I did, quite severely (an indicator that yes, this memory IS authentic)....I, too, thought "maybe this isn't so"... but deep down I knew it had happened.

After TIME passed, after I had talked it out, over and over in IC, I gradually adjusted to the fact that these events indeed occurred.

I survived it--maybe not gracefully, but I did. They can't hurt me anymore. They can't hurt you anymore either Itspjw. It wasn't our fault, none of it.


FWW

SAB survivor

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt." --Shakespeare

"Just DO it" ---Nike

D-Day March 2006


Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2008
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its -

How do I know how to tell what is real?

I kind of use my body as a "polygraph" - the body knows what is true, even if the brain has suppressed the memories. I ask myself a question: "did he do this?". If my physiological responses include rapid heartbeat and respiration, there is a good chance the event occurred. If not, there is a good chance it did not. I am currently unable to get beyond a certain point and, regardless, I cannot consciously recall if I tried - the heart pounding and feeling faint take over. I have recalled one detail while driving with very loud music on and not focussing on it. I have decided that I do not need all the details. Knowing about it is sufficient.

Trust your body. (As ironic as that statement is, I know.)


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to you both.

I am still having a hard time accepting this memory as real, but I am starting to think it is. Yes, I do have a physical response to it, not just increased heartbeat and respiration, but a tightness in my chest and a knot in my stomach. I also have a physical memory of it. and as hard as I try to push it away, it keeps coming back.

I am going to be leaving for IC in about 45 minutes. I guess I'm going to have to talk about it there.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is one of those days I am dreading IC.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, have a good IC session. I don't talk about it itself, just recent stuff and how they relate back to it. I feel ready to squash that part of my life and never explore it again.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck with it today.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

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