This ends up being so confusing and terrifying. What if I'm always like this? As we know,there are always "someones" out there for the taking. I can't take this again.
I also think it is amazing that women are automatically trusted to be alone with people while vice versa is totally unacceptable. Women can be just as predatory as males.
I am pretty new here too but what everyone has told me is to read the healing library that greatly helps. I have ordered some of the books that are being recommended on here too. Also I have been to IC and that helps me to cope with my situation. Good luck
The Sexual Healing Journey, Courage to Heal and Allies in Healing are all good.
But, I don't see how you can make your W want to heal herself, especially if you're separated.
About your wife’s sab-obviously that your remote to Iraq plays into her abandonment issues, but who knows how much. She couldn’t count on her father, and then in her mind, you let her down too. I know she is probably terrified to relate her sab to anyone else, including a counselor. I know I was. The guilt, the shame, the confusion are major players here. You don’t want to have to deal with it again (even though in reality you are dealing with it, just not at a conscious level.) However, as others have said, you can’t make her go to MC or IC. All you can do is find out some information and go from there. Tell her that you are reading up on sab. It might help you and at least she would know that you are trying to relate to her.
You said it controls her in your marriage. How does that play out? Does she agree that it might at least contribute in part?
(Sent you a PM dealing with military marriages.)
What kills me now is that he keeps trying to R but fails after 3-4 days...each time he puts more effort in, but still gives up. Says the guilt and remorse he feels is too much to face me everyday. It's not even that I express my pain, it's that he sees me and hates himself for what he did.
Now after 4 false Rs he says he needs to be alone. Says he told OW same. But if he's in C with her how can this really work. (not really a question)
I'm just wondering if this sort of self-esteem/self-confidence issue is common for Sab's.
He thinks it will help him make him stronger and make his choice easier.
In the mean time I am Legally S-ing
[This message edited by sofresh at 1:11 PM, May 20th (Wednesday)]
I tried the "sexual refusal" thread, but more extensive reading and some advice made me realize that my WW's SAB issues are the root cause of her affair and her difficulties with sex with me now.
She is gradually coming around to the fact that if she wants to stay in R with me she has to get some IC.
My wife's first boyfriend was a Greek man 10 years her senior who date-raped her. She dated him for a year after that!
She was raped in a park by two unrelated assailants (older, middle-eastern men) while she was studying abroad 20 years ago.
She had oral sex with some Greek guy she met online once.
And her 5 year LTA was a middle-eastern man 17 years her senior who was not very kind.
I think her dad or uncle abused her before that but she doesn't remember. She can't recall much of her childhood.
I know all this has a real impact on her self-esteem and how she reacts to the world.
It is terrible and troubling and wrong, but she needs help.
She's also bipolar. Believe me, if we didn't have kids I would have (painfully) washed my hands of this relationship even though I love her so much.
I just can't live in a sexless marriage and that is what she is able to give right now.
I am beginning to wonder what life is like without this albatross.
Do people really have normal sex lives?!?!?!?!
[This message edited by Top Jimmy at 2:51 AM, June 4th (Thursday)]
No truth, nothing. I do believe WS may have SAB issues due to the way he objectifies women, just about all women. And do see that he seeks praise and admiration from all kinds. This behavior is so very uncomfortable for me knowing people do notice these traits and how abnormal they are.
Always wonder if he realizes, although he did confess of abuse when younger, but was under the influence of drugs. A former counselor told me that sometimes they do spill some truth when drugs are present. I finally realize that the drugs were merely a pain reliever for WS's internal pain.
I know now from all my friends on SI that there will be no peace in our M until he acknowledges why he has fears within him that he projects onto his family with criticisms and anger making all of us feel betrayed.
I have learned to recognize his pain in a non-blaming and non-angry way. It keeps peace while avoiding conflict and reality with no consequences, a catch 22 that seems unsolvable at this moment.
We have been s'd for months and I have had the opportunity to work on me. I do feel stronger most days, but the days I don't I slap myself back to reality to be in my world and not his.
A long hard journey to establish something we all want, only we have to be willing to make all the sacrifices.
i am 39 and haven't dealt with it yet. i am functioning well in life right now, and don't want to rock the boat.
but i have to deal with it someday.
it's just too hard right now since i am trying to deal with the affair.
no real question here, just needed to say that.
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
[This message edited by tputer at 1:47 PM, June 22nd (Monday)]
There is no one way to "deal with it." If a way is suggested by a book, friend, or IC and it doesn't sit right with you, that may not be the right way for you.
I was terrified to even start seeing an IC; I had the notion that I would be pressured to relive past traumas/abuses in narrative form. It hasn't been like that at all. It seems to be pretty controversial at the moment that the best way to heal is to deliver a coherent story of the past. It's right for some, but not for all.
I'm really liking the idea that each survivor has the deep ability to know what will help to "heal" (or whatever word you'd like to insert). Trust yourself.
i will deal with it when i am read i guess.
and i can't seem to get it back on.
so i guess it's time.