Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: borderline85 (43161)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
GreenEyedMe
♀ Member
Member # 21452
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((its)))
***content edited to protect my privacy***

[This message edited by GreenEyedMe at 10:32 AM, April 4th (Saturday)]


Me - BS
Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2008
cani4give
♂ Member
Member # 19601
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itspjw, you are in my thoughts. Hugs to you.


BH: Me
FWW: Her
2 amazing children

Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2008
palerider
♂ Member
Member # 22496
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tputer,

She finally admitted to having no libido, and not missing it one bit. Doesn't want to do anything about it like seeing a doctor for hormonal suplements, etc (she's 47 and perimenopausal, so lower sex drive is to be expected).

I finally had the realization that the problem with her is twofold: natural decrease in libido due to life changes, and added to that, the complications of SAb. Specifically, her sexuality has always gotten her into trouble, so in order to avoid trouble, stay away from sexuality.

This is basically why I am on this site, but I don't have that admission from ?W. However, W flat out refuses to do anything to restore her libido since her hysterectomy at 35 (15 years ago). This caused me to reflect a little on her behavior in the first 11 years of our relationship, plus the fact the she's an SAb survivor (fondled by aunt and uncle on overnighter at age 11). I'm not a math expert, but I can add 2+2.


Posts: 579 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Texas
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, March 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Palerider, that really is the ironic part of all this: early in our marriage, FWW was very sexual, I would say hypersexual. But she was out of control and basically slept with whoever expressed a desire.

Now, she's much more mature, much more in control, hates who she used to be...all good for me but...no sex drive on her part. It is very, very frustrating.


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
palerider
♂ Member
Member # 22496
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, March 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tputer,

Dead on. My wife is super charming, super attractive and used to be super sexual; garter belt sans panties to work (I bought that she did that due to the extreme summer heat here - what an idiot I was), until her hysterectomy. Sexually dead, since then and will not do anything about it, even though I did all the hormone research for her 14 years ago. I told her I want the old horny W she used to be, she said sorry, not going to happen.

I never figured it out until I recently realized she doesn't do nearly the amount of over the top, almost inappropriate charming of guys and questionable females, she used to. Combine that with the odd feeling I've always had that she was lowballing her sexual history, including the abuse (which she didn't tell me about until I tried something that set her off)....and lots more behavior that only made me kind of shake my head at the time. Can you say "doofus?"


Posts: 579 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Texas
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, March 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Palerider, no you're not a doofus. We accepted who they were at face value. But what we didn't know at the time was that we were also married to their secret side. Who knew?? How in the hell could we know? Sab survivors are the ultimate compartmentalizers. They show you what they want to show you, and everything else is their private domain - no visitors allowed.

So they do shit that just makes us scratch our heads and ask WTF??? But because we love them, we try to rationlize it and try to make sense of it. But the truth is, it makes no sense whatsoever! So we end up being dragged down to the lowest common denominator, which is their dysfunction. We end up trying to make the abnormal normal. Nobody who hasn't been through this would ever understand.


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
palerider
♂ Member
Member # 22496
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, March 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting, isn't it? I would have figured "my problem" was a one in 200M issue.

And I still don't really have a lick of proof about anything. Just lots of little things I noticed and side comments made by her, mostly long ago, almost forgotten, and suddenly fresh in my mind again, like puzzle pieces. I'm just now kind of figuring it out, so my radar's up. At least we mostly work together now, so I can be aware of what's happening with her. Except when she's out of town on her side business. Sheesh.


Posts: 579 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Texas
GreenEyedMe
♀ Member
Member # 21452
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


***content edited to protect my privacy.***

[This message edited by GreenEyedMe at 10:28 AM, April 4th (Saturday)]


Me - BS
Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2008
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GEM, thank you - that was a very insightful post. I know how tough it can be for a SAb survivor to be introspective. Turning a microscope on yourself can be very painful. I had a discussion with FWW about a week ago, and she confirmed to me part of my theory: part of her lack of sexual desire is directly due to the fear she has about reverting back to her self-destructive hypersexual phase. That's a great realization on her part, and shows that she understands how out-of-control she was back then. But it also showed me that she's not willing to persue this any further through IC. I think her chosen course of action at this point is to "fake it till you make it" with regard to sex with me. For her, it's the path of least resistance and a hell of a lot easier than having to formally confront her demons again in IC. I still have hope that she will eventually finish what she started - her counseler was very good.

[This message edited by tputer at 9:21 AM, March 23rd (Monday)]


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i can pretty much agree with everything gem said.

i went through the hypersexual phase as well. (was single) of course, it really didn't help.

i have in the past talked about it with h, but not a lot. he knows what happened, and tries to understand, but i don't think he really does. how can he, really?

i also went through a long period of time, after the kids were born, of not caring whether or not i had sex ever again. i would when h initiated, but i never initiated. he didn't like that--he felt like i didn't find him attractive anymore. i tried to explain to him that that was so far from the truth. i didn't want sex at all. it wasn't him, it was me. i still found him just as attractive. and i still enjoyed sex when we had it, usually. i just was unable to "want" it. i tried to talk to him about it, but he was so focused on himself he couldn't hear me.

that was when he started to pull away. it wasn't just sex, there was other stuff, too, but i know sex was a big part of it. it affected his self-esteem in a big way. it was during this time that he had his affair.

when i found out, i was like wtf? he knows what the men in my life have been like. he was the only one i chose, the one i was supposed to be able to count on, to trust, to have my back. so if the only one i got to choose would do this to me, then?

i can say that h and i are in a good place right now as far as sex. after hb, i worked really hard on keeping it going. and, yes, i do still want it. unfortunately, it seems he is starting to experience some occasional ed problems. figures. i start getting my head on straight, and then his... sorry, i know it's not funny, but sometimes you gotta laugh so you won't cry, kwim?

my history of sab is complicated. more than one person involved. i don't even know where i will begin when i get into c.

i don't remember a lot about my childhood. it makes me wonder about repressed memories. i know there is debate about whether they exist or not, but i have remembered other things (not sab related) that i had totally forgotten by being reminded by something that happened or was said. if it can happen with normal memories, then why not about the worst memories?

gem, i haven't had my session yet. don't even have an apt. h hasn't called yet to change mc because he is waiting to see what happens with his april schedule, so i haven't even said anything to him about making me an apt. this is what i do, i decide, okay, it's time to talk to c about this, then i chicken out. i feel like i'm ready to face it, then i get scared. i know i have to do it, but...i just don't want to open that box and face what's inside.

it's getting harder to keep that lid on that box, though, so i know i'm gonna have to face it soon. i think my h realizes this, too. not too long ago he mentioned talking to c about my father. i changed the subject. i realize i'm going to have to face this to really make my marriage everything it can be. but i don't want to. i'm pissed that i have to. i'm angry that this happened and now I have to deal with it. it's just so unfair.

i guess i'm rambling now. sorry about that, but it's good to get it out. hopefully it will help give me the courage to make that apt.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
GreenEyedMe
♀ Member
Member # 21452
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***content edited to protect my privacy***

(((hugs to all)))

[This message edited by GreenEyedMe at 10:33 AM, April 4th (Saturday)]


Me - BS
Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2008
palerider
♂ Member
Member # 22496
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Greeneyed,

thanks for the feedback. We'd been married years before she told me about being abused. It was troubling to hear, but kind of a "mild case" to somebody who it didn't happen to. It never occurred to me that she might be minimizing things. Some of her stories have changed over time, but that one hasn't, so I just don't know. At this point, I'm not going to bring it up with her. I'm just watching everything.


Posts: 579 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, March 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

palerider,

i just wanted to let you know, as a survivor, there is no such thing as a "mild case" i think i know what you are trying to say--many suffered through more than she did. but no matter how much it is, it is traumatic.

((((palerider and wife))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
palerider
♂ Member
Member # 22496
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, March 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much, itspjw. You understood exactly what I was trying to say.

Posts: 579 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Texas
GreenEyedMe
♀ Member
Member # 21452
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, March 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

very well said itspjw.

Some of us struggle with minimizing our own experiences. Validating ourselves can be difficult. It's hard to admit that what happened has affected us. Sometimes we look at other people's experiences, judge them to be worse than our own and think we should not feel as badly as we do because othes have had it much worse than we have. I've talked to other survivors who doubt their memories of abuse, which makes the healing process more difficult for them.

Each of our experiences are unique and our reactions to them are just as individual. A friend of mine gives the wise advice, "Honor your process." Honoring our processes is to accept our feelings as legitimate and justified. If you are here because you are healing, I hope that you will honor yourself and your feelings. We all deserve to heal.

Who Deserves to Heal

If you were gang raped, you deserve to heal.

If you were raped once, you deserve to heal.

If you have been raped more than, you deserve to heal.

If someone has sexually assaulted you, you deserve to heal.

If it was attempted rape, you deserve to heal.

If it wasn't rape, if it was unwanted and inappropriate touching, you deserve to heal.

If you did not fight or scream, you deserve to heal.

If you were drugged or too intoxicated to give consent, you deserve to heal.

If you did not say no, but indicated through your actions that you were unnwilling, you deserve to heal.

If you are a man who has been sexually assaulted, you deserve to heal.

If it happened ten or twenty or thirty years ago, you deserve to heal.

If it was incest, you deserve to heal.

If you barely remember it, you deserve to heal.

If you were sexually harrassed, you deserve to heal.

If you are someone who supports, you deserve to heal.

That's all there is to it.

I've met people who have the feelings that their rape was not a particularly "bad rape". My rape was not a physically violent rape. I was only conscious of being raped for a few seconds and when I realized it, my boyfriend violently beat my rapist. He was the only one who got hurt.

It didn't make any difference to me. I had still been raped. It still hurt on the inside. I needed to heal.

The degree of the rape, abuse or assault doesn't matter. We feel many of the same emotions. And we all deserve to heal from them.

(courtesy of www.pandys.org)

***content edited to protect my privacy***

[This message edited by GreenEyedMe at 10:34 AM, April 4th (Saturday)]


Me - BS
Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2008
GreenEyedMe
♀ Member
Member # 21452
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, March 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***content edited to protect my privacy***

[This message edited by GreenEyedMe at 10:44 AM, April 4th (Saturday)]


Me - BS
Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2008
SmileyBlue
♀ Member
Member # 19444
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys,

I just wanted to ask a question, I hope its ok that it was posted here. I suspect that my xSO was SA as a child, its a long story but whenever the incident in question was raised SO said he couldn't remember a thing, but got really upset.

I was just wondering is there signs in adults to look for when dealing with this? I tried to be sensitive about it, but I am wondering if there were signs that he was trying to show me/tell me and I just missed them?

I hope its ok to post here.

{{{everyone}}}


Me: 27 - No longer a BS!
1 little Furbaby

"The bee's are dying? Oh no! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwich's?" - Homer Simpson


Posts: 2556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Australia
GreenEyedMe
♀ Member
Member # 21452
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow SB, tough question. But of course it's ok to post here!

It's so hard to say for sure. Everyone reacts differently, but trust your gut. Past sexual abuse is not something that usually pops into someone's head randomly.

"Symptoms" could be anything from one extreme to the other - panic attacks, depression, having flashbacks, triggering, avoiding sexual contact, acting out sexually, needing to always have sex a certain way to avoid triggering, drug/alcohol abuse, gaps in memory, feeling detached, sudden mood changes, low self esteem... to name a few lol

Male survivors often are afraid that they will become perpetrators because of what happened to them. Male survivors often have insecurities with their masculinity as well.

Did that answer your question some or just open up more? Feel free to post more with us.

And please don't lay any guilt on yourself for "missing something". If there is something in his past, he didn't tell you because he wasn't ready. It's not something that can be forced. If you had flat out asked him, chances are good he would have lied about it out of shame or guilt or fear... I hope for his sake that if he was abused that he finds the courage to face it and get help.

(((SB)))


Me - BS
Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2008
SmileyBlue
♀ Member
Member # 19444
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, April 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That answered part of my question, I hope I am not being overly dramatic because its something I thought about alot after he told me this story. I will re-tell it now, not to air his privacy in any way please dont think thats why, I just want to know if I missed something so so important that I should have been helping him with.

He told me that his basketball coach used to help him practice early in the morning and late at night one on one with him. One weekend this man took my xSO and his brother to whistler for the day, his parents let him go and after breakfast he cant remember a thing from that weekend. A few weeks later this man was arrested for molesting his stepchildren and was sent to jail.

SO said that he cant remember if he went to counselling, that he cant remember what his mother said about it because he was only 6 years old or so. The reason I am stuck on this is how upset he gets when he talks about it, despite not being able to remember anything, and the fact that he CANT remember anything.

Am I over-reacting? I know its hard to say, he doesnt trigger or have flashbacks he just gets quiet and upset. Do you think his memory loss is from his young age or something else?


Me: 27 - No longer a BS!
1 little Furbaby

"The bee's are dying? Oh no! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwich's?" - Homer Simpson


Posts: 2556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Australia
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, April 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like a memory loss due to trauma.

DW had something happen to her, but she can't remember much in the way of details. She suspects it was her mom, but it could have been an uncle.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.