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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
feuerlong
Member
Member # 18774
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

toonice, i say this as someone who experienced sexual abuse as a child, was raped as a child by two different people (one of them my father)...it sounds like your wife does not have the tools or the power to protect herself. she doesn't know how. therapy can teach her, and rewire/rework the trauma.

EMDR would probably be extremely helpful to her. find a therapist who knows it.

when i was with my xWS, at the beginning of our relationship (which was good), he would ask me if touching me "here" or "there" or in such a way was good, or if it was permissible for him to touch me in a certain way. i honestly, at that time, could not tell him. there was no "me" that existed that could tell him about that. when i was in a sexual situation, i had no power, had so thoroughly been stripped of my ego/self/identity by my abusers that even in a safe situation, i had no feelings. i couldn't even say if something felt pleasurable or not. that's how badly sexual abuse can destroy a person.

good luck to you both.

[This message edited by feuerlong at 8:26 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


Posts: 53 | Registered: Mar 2008
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks fueurlong.

I'll mention EMDR therapy to her.
But my MC says that the desire and will to change has to come completely from her with no prodding from me, other than gentle encouragement and support.

I'm not sure I disagree with that. In my heart I know that's right - but I'm so impatient for her to get well after waiting for her to do so all these years, it's very difficult to sit on the sidelines, wondering when she's going to decide it's not worth the effort, and it's more fun to go back to destroying herself.


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
cani4give
♂ Member
Member # 19601
Question  Posted: 8:48 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...

[This message edited by cani4give at 6:59 PM, July 6th (Monday)]


BH: Me
FWW: Her
2 amazing children

Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2008
Inchoate
♀ Member
Member # 9065
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good god, how would you even be able to enjoy the weekend?

Surely there is a friend, a neighbor, anyone else??

<shudder>

(oh, and just because the 14 year old niece keeps going back it doesn't mean something's not happening to her. )


Former Wayward Ninja, recovered
"The shadows tell us where the light is" (my DD@3)
"Growing up is hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it." (Agliarept)

Posts: 5057 | Registered: Dec 2005
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are victims of sex abuse more likely to have A. My ex wife just told me she was sexually abused as a child. We wer M for 17 years and dated for about 8 years before marriage. I need help because it might help me to understand why the A happended.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely.

When a person that is supposed to protect you above all us abuses that trust to sexually abuse you, how do you think that changes your ideas about sex and trust.

One bitterly ironic side effect of SAb suvivors is that some only feel safe saying "no" to the partners they love and trust, to other's they'll say yes, because sex doesn't mean much to them.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Lonerider. I don't know much about it. I guess I still need answers as to why the A happened.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
sabrejohn
♂ New Member
Member # 20291
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,

I've been reading a bunch of these posts and i can hardly believe how familiar the symptoms sound. I was about to post my entire story here (and may still if you all think i should) But i just started my own thread in 'just found out'. In short, my wife of 7 years just cheated for the first time. She never thought of herself as a SAb victim, has no dramtic memoriies of abuse but shows all the signs plus some very disturbing memories of her father. Please if anyone can help or shed light, check my thread or i will repost here if y'all think i should. thanks


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2008
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

given what lonerider said (about saying "no") - here's another trait my FWW has - and still she doesn't recall any instance of sexual abuse (as a child)

A sex abuse victim may not consider what happened sex abuse.

A sex abuse victim often believes (or is led to believe) that they "wanted it" or were to blame for it, etc.

And what may be the case in my FWW's situation - any abuse, sexual, emotional, etc. can cause the victim to block out painful memories, such that they don't remember what happened. Supposedly, hypnotherapy is successful at uncovering these repressed or blocked memories.


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabrejohn if you feel it will help you please post here. My Ex W just told me about her abuse. I have known her 25 years and married 17 years. She didn't mention it till 2 months after our D. I want to learn more I think.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
cani4give
♂ Member
Member # 19601
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...

[This message edited by cani4give at 6:59 PM, July 6th (Monday)]


BH: Me
FWW: Her
2 amazing children

Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2008
vengefulbiatch
♀ Member
Member # 20473
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a SAS as well as a BS. The 1st time I was sexually assaulted was at age 8 by a trusted family friend a man I thought of as a 2nd father. Not to get to graphic but he did so much damage to me that I feel like I am disfigured. I can't stand to be seen naked I don't want H to look at me I want it totally dark I don't want him seeing my face during sex and I blame alot of my insecurities as to why he cheats.

I tell myself maybe he wants to be able to see the pleasure he is bringing to someone. I hate what this has done to me I was also raped when I was 16 and again at 18 two different men both supposedly friends.

I have tried talking to H about it over the yrs and for a while I was comfortable with being intimate and even having lights on facing my H but after the 1st A I went right back into the cocoon I was in b4. I think maybe I stay b/c I feel like no one else would want someone so damaged.


"I Never Dreamed Home Would End Up Where I Don't Belong...I'm Moving On"
Me 37 BW
Him 37 WH
Divorced 2010... Tried to reconcile in 2011 currently separated

Posts: 246 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alabama
AppAE127
♀ Member
Member # 17990
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I'm supposed to feel good that she trusts only me to say no to??

No. And yes. I can see where your wife is coming from, as an SAB survivor. The only person I've EVER been able to say no to is my BH. Does it make it right? nope. Does it make him feel like shit? of course.

My SAB is something I've finally decided to start tackling. One of the things I noticed about myself is that in other sexual situations throughout my entire life, once I realized or purposely set it in that direction, I completely shut down. Didn't feel anything. Performed.

If you can, keep posting and reading other posts here. SAB does not in any way excuse the affair, but it will certainly give you insight into what your spouse is going through on that end and all of the ways it may have affected her. If she's like me, it's been years in the making, and it's only just now beginning to rear its ugly head.


Dday~January 15, 2008
R'ed. Now I just gotta fix me.

"And I won't cry
If you can't love me
Like the way it used to feel.
We had our summer on Long Island
Now there's wounds that never heal."


Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: United States
cani4give
♂ Member
Member # 19601
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...

[This message edited by cani4give at 7:00 PM, July 6th (Monday)]


BH: Me
FWW: Her
2 amazing children

Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2008
Outey
♂ New Member
Member # 19752
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

My situation is different to what I have read in this forum but I was hoping someone may be able to relate.

I'm a survivor of Sexual Abuse. The abuse came out (supressed memories) as a result of my fiance having an Affair. She had the affair because of lack of sex in our relationship. Irrespective whether people agree to this or not it has allowed me to be very understanding of the A and she is currently 7 weeks NC with OM. However she has had to deal with the fact I was abused and couldn't come out with it and that it really screwed me up sexually for 20 years (the abuse happened when I was 14 and just entering puberty). The sexual abuse resulted in me having fantasies about Fetish and other light S&M material which she recently found and is having to deal with the fact this was hidden in the relationship. I found I didn't really need this material to get aroused after the abuse came out in January.

We are trying to rebuild trust in each other - I feel horrified with what happened to me in the past and the resulting impact this has had on our relationship. I'm seeing a counsellor and the whole story about the abuse I raised with him last night. He was very supportive but I can't help feeling sick, ashamed and guilty for the pain I have put her through. I know (or try to tell myself) it wasn't my fault but I can understand how the trust she had for me needs to be rebuilt. I know this sounds strange given she had the A but I hid this dark secret from her and didn't even realise I was abused until the shock of the A came out.

If anyone has any thoughts on this I would really appreciate it. I want our R to work, I hope she feels the same but at the moment I know this is a big ask for her.


Me - BS/36
Her -WF/38
DDay - 1/6/08
children- Daughter 3
Status: Want to R

Posts: 39 | Registered: Jun 2008
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

caniforgive and outey. I am reading a book called Courage to heal. Its about being a survivor of child sex abuse to try to understand my ex wifes A. It may be helpful


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can a SAB ever become normal again sexually?


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shyguy,

I don't know what you mean by normal, but my DW has become more open over the years. The frequency isn't what I want, but it has gotten better.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks lonerider! I don't know either. My ex W told me after our D she was a SAB. I found out the OM wasn't the first during our M. I think she slept around during our 17years of M. I wonder if at her age (45) if she will ever change for the better. I can't save her. She doesn't want to change as far as I can tell.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
cani4give
♂ Member
Member # 19601
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...

[This message edited by cani4give at 7:01 PM, July 6th (Monday)]


BH: Me
FWW: Her
2 amazing children

Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2008
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