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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
just tired
♀ Member
Member # 11609
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I think I have a dilemma here and I don't know how to fix it.
I need, want my husband to empathize with me when I come to him with my pain. I need him to say he understands, not that he agrees with everything I say or my perspective of his affair, just that he understands why I feel that way and he is sorry that I hurt. Just put himself in my shoes and validate my feelings. I thought he could not. Thats not it, he does have the capacity to do that in other situations(I observed it just the other day)just not in this situation.It hurts him and he does not want to go there. I have spent hours and days trying to rephrase things so he would understan me. I could explain to others what I was trying to say and they got it right away. Not him. He would deny, say thats not right, You are wrong, thats not what I said and it made me crazy. It is him, he does not want to face what he did and how it hurt me. So he just won't.

He was abused and I am afraid to push to far. I believe part of this denial and such is how he dealt with his abuse to survive the pain. So he is very good at it. I need his empathy and understanding. He can do it, it just hurts him to do so. He has changed, apologized, and is trying so hard to be what I need. He is a good caring man. I love him

But I need him to tell me he understands why I feel like I do about certain things. Why when I get angry at women that flirt it is a trigger. He gets mad and says he can't control what they do. Right. But he could say I understand that hurts you. And just hug me. I will get over that. But he needs to help me, not get mad at me. I think he gets mad because what he did caused me to be this way. I was not this way before. I told him flat out to just say I understand and hug me. He has not done that. He won't.

How can I get him to give me the understanding and empathy for my pain when he does everything to block it or gets defensive. I know it hurts him to think of what he did but I need his help to heal. I want to be whole so we can go on and have the marriage I see we can have. We love each other alot and have lived thru so much together. Why won't he forget himself and help me. Can he not do it? Or will he not. Is it his defense mechanism holding him back, what do I do?
Am I just selfish? Know what he said about Josephs letter? All he saw was someone angry. Know what he said when I said you told the woman you were sleeping with I was fridgid? Well it was true wasn't it? Know what he said when I was in deep pain and told him I felt like nothing, that he threw me away, he threw our love away? You are just trying to hurt me. I called him on those things and he said, If I don't say things just right I am wrong.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posts: 216 | Registered: Aug 2006


Posts: 1008 | Registered: Aug 2006
HippyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 10966
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry to barge in here. I don't post on this thread normally, but I need some hugs. Please.

Dr. Phil today is about a grandfather molesting his granddaughter. OMG. My grandfather sexually molested me and my sister for 4 years. When I was finally able to tell someone, NOTHING happened to him. Nothing.

My hands are shaking. I feel sick. I've had IC about this, but just seeing it happening again is bringing it all back.

Why does this keep happening? What is wrong with people.


"My religion is simple. My religion is kindness." Dalai Lama

Posts: 2613 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Colorado
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hippy Girl, It is so hard when triggers just creep in and bite at you. I am so sorry that this has come in at you. I send you (((((hugs))))) and a shoulder for upport if you need. Take care of yourself and dwell with your mind elsewhere.

just tired - wow. I started to read your post yesterday and I just could not muddle through it. I can so understand the path you are on. I can write your letter. I have been dealing with the same issues. As a matter of fact our bow up yesterday was related to her not beig able to see what sheis doing as nt right. I have tried to ask W for empathy and validation also, to little success.

I tend to agree with much that has been said in the previous thread con cering the lack of advancement in emtional developement as being culprate. My IC today confirmed this.

Is your H willing to go to IC/MC. If you can you should make it a condition. I have come to the point that I feel like it is an unrasonable expectation to want my W help in helping me heal froma wound she inflicted. It is a horrible place, but i am there none the less. I hope some of the more ise and wondrful folks on his thread show son.

(((((jt)))))


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I watched Dr. Phil yesterday too, I had a family member abuse me so it was hard. I am sorry it hits so close to home for some....and I told my mom too and she did nothing, so when I saw the wife struggling with doing the right thing it was very difficult. She was more worried about hanging on to her "life" or image of what she thought she had then helping, truly helping her grandaughter. She was actually buying into the grandfathers "the devil made me do it" crap...unbelievable!

I think that was probably the MOST important thing for people to see. Pedophiles are normally family members or close friends, they live right next to us or are in our homes....and yes they are the ones who commit the crime but silence within the family or looking the other way only perpetrates the problem. It was hard to watch but should be eye opening for some...I hope.

When its dirty and its ugly its hard to look at, but hiding or shying away from it won't make it go away.


Posts: 5525 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, now adays I just try to avoid stuff of hat nature. It is not denial, it is just that it gets me angry hat people let this happen. i have a neighborhood girl who is in my house everyday. She is best friends with my daughter. We have seen cyclic SAb occur to her. It gets reported and then resolved, they let him out and hen it happens again. My poor opinion is to just fix the problem right up front with piano wire. But this girl is gettig so screwed up in her growing up relationships. I have tried to suggest IC now, but it is a volital subject.
I feel for her because I can see so much of the damage it creates in my W life. She has no selfimiage or worth. At 14 that is just a crime. She is not around the guy any more - but the damage is done.

I just don't understand the thinking that occurs in these sick minds.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
baltimore
♀ Member
Member # 13766
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else out there dealing with compartmentalizing?

I made an appointment with a counselor finally for Friday night. I think thereís a lot of crap that I need to work out in my head. I know because of what happened with my dad I am very good at compartmentalizing things. I can put it out of my mind and act as if it never happened. But with the A I find that out of no where I get a trigger and it all comes back. The bad thing about this is that when it comes back itís with the same force as the first day I found out.

Anyone have any insight on this?


Posts: 392 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: baltimore
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually I wish I could compartmentalize. Just for a break.

I see this in my W all the time. Part of the issue is that if you ever deal with it, each time you trigger it IS just like the first time. From all I've read and heard in IC/MC, you need to pull it out yourself and address it. It then becomes a manageable enity.

I think that one of the hardest tasks within us is to figure out this violation of the trust and interpesonal relationships. And if you have back life isues, un dealt with, then it will only compound.

Do you ave a good IC to work with you. That is so important. They should e able to help you through the maze of this crap.

good luck.

(((((baltimore)))))


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really need to take my own advice.

Theres' nothing I can do to heal my H's past. I can only be here for support and a safe place to land when he crashes.

It's not fair, but a reality that I am being hurt, second hand by his SAb. It makes it so hard to stay, and even harder to leave.

Torn...the best way to describe it. Torn, tearing.


ka-mai
*******************
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone ...

Posts: 14749 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Wales
♀ Member
Member # 14222
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The bad thing about this is that when it comes back itís with the same force as the first day I found out.

Sorry for the late reply; I just saw this. I can relate. I don't know why it happens, but it is disconcerting. I think it's a survival mechanism to compartamentlize. For me, there's so much denial, I just push the SAb memories down.

Please know that you're not alone. Hugs to you.


"Never, never, never quit."
(on yourself)

"When you're going through hell, keep going"
(until you're through it)

Winston Churchill, in quotation marks. Words in brackets added, by Wales.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Apr 2007
Wales
♀ Member
Member # 14222
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dr. Phil today is about a grandfather molesting his granddaughter. OMG. My grandfather sexually molested me and my sister for 4 years. When I was finally able to tell someone, NOTHING happened to him. Nothing.

(((((((((((Hippygirl)))))))))))

I'm so sorry for your pain. Sometimes, there is no justice.


"Never, never, never quit."
(on yourself)

"When you're going through hell, keep going"
(until you're through it)

Winston Churchill, in quotation marks. Words in brackets added, by Wales.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Apr 2007
Wales
♀ Member
Member # 14222
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking to see if anyone is hanging out down here?

I feel I'll be dealing with the SAb for a very long time.


"Never, never, never quit."
(on yourself)

"When you're going through hell, keep going"
(until you're through it)

Winston Churchill, in quotation marks. Words in brackets added, by Wales.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Apr 2007
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfound - this second hand pain is stagering in its intensity. I think part of it is hat you feel obliged to look pat some of it because until they manage it, they really don't what they are doing as damaging.

W and I had some words this AM. She wants me to join her in an activity. Well some of her comments have just about completely turned me off to it. She doesn't understand why I should be hurt. Does it really mater weither or not I am, if I feel hurt by careless comments, then it should be accepted that way. I just don't care to get back into it, so I have been avoiding any discussion on it. I am wrong I know, but it is like my own defenses.

I agree that all we can do is stand by and ty to support. I just want to see progress some times.

I can hear so much the torn part. Yet i feel that he tear is several times through my heart. I am so tired of hurting.

Wales - I am trying to come to grips that I will have to deal with this until the day I die. Just trying to figure out how to make it a natural death vs. a murder by seconday SAb.

Tough call


Thanks all for being here. I have a bad day coming on Sunday. lots of hurt, nothing to do at all with A.It is my DD birthday. My deceased DD. You know I strugle some times with how to say shes dead. It seems like it should be final, yet it keeps coming back.

Thanks Again


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 14th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurts-thanks for your kind words. I am so sorry about your DD. I can't imagine.....

Thing is....when dealing with a WS that is a SAb (for me) is the hard reality that in order for him to help me heal, he has to heal himself. During that time I will endure more pain, but I have to understand that the source of my pain is really caused by the source of his pain. Viscious circle.

Being patient while he goes through his own healing is the hardest thing I've ever done. Especially since I KNOW that I will be hurt, I will feel the pain of his inability to empathsize with me, but I have to be understanding that it's not by his choice, but forced learning.

I take comfort in that fact that he is working (IC) on these issues, but at the same time the pain (on both sides) is still there.

Faith that there is an end to this is all I have at times. More than I thought I ever had.


ka-mai
*******************
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone ...

Posts: 14749 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
stunned-dad
Member
Member # 3488
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, April 14th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From "Therapeutic boundary issues in working with childhood sexual-abuse survivors"

Childhood sexual-abuse survivors are a unique population that present therapeutic challenges requiring acute sensitivity to the well-being of the client and to the role of the therapist. Survivors bring to therapy the need for protection and the fear of the protector. They equate love and intimacy with abuse, have distorted physical and emotional boundaries and may dissociate from cues of danger. Many seek familiarity in relationships, resulting in closeness to predators and distance from healthy connections. They present relentless boundary quandaries for therapist because their physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual boundaries have been violated by the perpetrator (s) of abuse.

This was a sample of some material we covered in a recent seminar dealing with SaB.

It was intended for therapists but there were some key things that stood out in the handout especially the fact that SaB victims (not the case for survivors) tended to seek out predators and distance themselves from healthy connections. Also the fact that SaB victims seem to lack radar for predators and ignore/dissociate from cues given off by predators.

So while a predator maybe skilled at recognizing his or her prey.....a case can be made that most victims truly do not see it coming because their abuse shuts down the normal recognition of danger non abused persons seem to have.

[This message edited by stunned-dad at 8:23 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]


BS-Me 47 WS-Wife 40 Kids-D13 S10
DD 11/20/02 Affair lasted 2 1/2 years. OM sexual predator 12+ prior affairs. Wife had suppressed sexual abuse/rape issues she hid.

Life gives us us sorrow so we can have something to measure happiness with.


Posts: 6152 | Registered: Feb 2004
Wales
♀ Member
Member # 14222
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, April 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurts,

Thinking of you with positive thoughts as you get through the weekend. Prayers, warm thoughts and peace to you.

STunned Dad,

WOW! That's right on the money. Wish my counselor would have told me that 20 years ago. Thanks!


"Never, never, never quit."
(on yourself)

"When you're going through hell, keep going"
(until you're through it)

Winston Churchill, in quotation marks. Words in brackets added, by Wales.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Apr 2007
jp12861
♀ Member
Member # 12525
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My youngest turned 18 yesterday she was one of twin girls, her sister died 16 hours after birth. I know my SAb had alot to do with how I was 12 years ago, but tonight I need to let tputer know I know I never knew the correct outlet for the grief I felt, niether of us did and as a Sab I did it so fucking wrong sorry my heart, my love it hit me tonight that I never really knew how tro grieve for our child.
I'm so grateful for Tina but we grieved seperately when Theresa died and it took me so long to gireve for her the correct way, why did we never really connect on this we both hurt so bad over this.


Just me now and my girls
50
26 & 23

Posts: 1674 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: San Diego
enduring
♀ Member
Member # 9337
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't feel I have the 'right' to even be here considering the horrific trauma most must have endured.

But, I need to throw this in.

I can recall many things from my toddler years. At least one very clear memory of a funeral when I was 20 months old. Being told the old lady was sleeping and knowing she was NOT sleeping!
It was traumatic so I guess I remembered it. My mom claimed that I was never at a funeral home when i was that young until i described the cab, the rain, the dark, and the purple nightgown and white hair of the lady and that I was being carried. Then my mom remembered it was my great grandmothers funeral but she thought I would be too young to know what was going on.

Anyway, I just wanted to give creedence to my memory.

One time, when I was a baby, still non-verbal so I guess maybe a year old, a man was holding me on his lap and he took my hand and forced it on his penis.

I pulled away. I remember being very scared and uncomfortable. Somehow I associate it with a neighbor boy teen who used to watch us for a few minutes when my mom ran to the corner store.

Even that young, though, left me with this , gosh, not sure how to describe it, sort of this aura or something but it is a sickening feeling that sort of hits me in the gut.

I never told anyone about it.
I know I sensed something very bad about it.

And as awful and stupid as it sounds, I feel ashamed!
And then, being a little girl with this memory of the instance, I would feel dirty, like it was impure thoughts!

I still panic when I feel someone trying to restrain me in anyway, sometimes you know how people will take your arm? Or grab your hand?

And, I don't like being touched. Very difficult for me.

But, that is my story. And I know there should be no feeling of shame on my part. I was a baby for crying out loud! But somehow, I still do. Hate that.


Me: BS 57
Him: WH 57
married 38 years
3 DD 10 grandchildren
Reconciling

Posts: 792 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: PA
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

enduring - It is amazig what we can remembe. I don't ubscribe to the process of no memories before a given age. Our minds are like a file drawer, always collecting and storing info.

I am so sorry that you have these memories. They are such burdens. I almost wonder if it is better that we supress some things because of the affect it creates in our lives.

Over the past year or so I have become just amazed at the after effects of childhood sexual abuse. It reache out and touches us in so many different ways. And it is insidious in it's nature.

Please feel welcome here. It is a slow thread, but you know, sometimes slow can be a good thing, I know that I appreciate a slow down sometimes.

Peace be to you.

thank you for sharein with us.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
orchid
Member
Member # 7223
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[
It was intended for therapists but there were some key things that stood out in the handout especially the fact that SaB victims (not the case for survivors) tended to seek out predators and distance themselves from healthy connections.

I am not sure what you are saying here. Are you saying that someone who is being currently victimized
but not those who were victimized in the past are suseptable to predators?
My reason for asking is because OW was, without doubt, (from my perspective) a predator. I once mentioned this to H and said I thought her agressive behaviour fed his ego. He disagreed but I did not understand how so many other things come in to play for a SAb.

[This message edited by orchid at 7:59 AM, April 19th (Thursday)]


You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm starting on "ALlies in Healing" Deals with the partners of SAb survivors and what they can and can't do to help them and yourself. Anyone read this?


ka-mai
*******************
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone ...

Posts: 14749 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
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