You have an awful lot to deal with. Take care of yourself and your kids.
there's nothing that will stop me from being what I want to be - d
I have always wanted my best friend and my lover and the person I am in love with to be the same person.....and he is. ILY
I am having a SAB meltdown.
My husband sexually abused me a week ago. I told him from now on if he ever touched me like that again I would kick his ass or die trying.
I'm very weary.
This is not a good place for me.
I really believe that one person can change the world, but this same one person can not even keep a family together.
I've disassociated rather badly and I feel numb. I look in the mirror and can not connect with who I see.
What is the point in pressing on? Is not forty years of brokeness enough?
But I wanted you to know that someone cares, me. I always wory about triggering my W. But is so wrong tha you have to relive that.
One person can't keep a marriage together by theirself.
I'm sorry that your h did that to you.
[This message edited by bluberry at 10:42 AM, September 24th (Monday)]
I remember what happened to me I am sure more things happened that I don't remember.
Some kids dissociate as a coping mechanism in order to survive.
I am a SAbS..and have been for about 20 years. I repressed the abuse for many, many years. I was abused by my grandfather and nothing was done to him when it all was exposed. Come to find out he had done this before to others (including my aunts, and attempted to do it to my sister). I found out about the attempted abuse to my sister 3 years ago, and what hit me the hardest is when she told me she had told our parents about it. This meant they knew what he was capable of, but continued to send me to his place every weekend and most of the summer for a few years.
I thought about starting IC then, but never took that first step. I tried to find support groups in my area but nothing seemed right for my situation.
Recently I became a WS. I love my H so much and it kills me that I hurt him so bad with my A's (I have slept with 2 different guys a couple times each over the past 2-3 months). I feel that because I am a SAbS, I have associated someone liking me, to having sex with them.
My H gave me the ground rules for us getting past my A's which included me getting into IC.
I had my first IC session yesterday. It was difficult to say the least but I know I have alot of issues I need to work through and cannot do it on my own. Hopefully the IC will help me deal with the issues from my past and help me work on my present issues with self-esteem and disassociating liking someone with having sex with them.
Please stay at it with the IC and remember that your BH will also need time and support to heal. Don'tt let him get lost in your recovery. And please try not to compatmentalize his for his sake also.
I am two years down the road and at a complete standstill except for thepain of it all. Stay with the IC, it is hard, but many here will tell you it is so worth it.
Prayers and (((((hugs))))) to you.
Stay in IC & hold on to it for dear life. I'm a SAbS, too...my grandfather molested me (from age 8 to 11) and all 3 of my sisters. We were "lucky" in that he lived 800 miles away and we were only near him on family visits. We're not sure, but we think our grandmother knew; my grandfather told one of my sisters that "your grandmother told me to be careful around Jack's [my dad's] girls."
I'm 52, Crusher and am just now in IC. I wish I'd had the courage to deal with it decades ago. I'm a BS (2006/7) but also a FWW (16+ years ago). I've struggled with self-injury, too (scratching till I bleed). Since the latest DDay (10/2/07) my left arm looks like the cat's been at me.
I read somewhere onetime that childhood abuse makes a permanent change in that child's brain. I don't use that as an excuse -- I take full responsbility for the choices I've made -- but it helped to know that maybe, just maybe I wasn't insane or evil.
I want to clear away the muck that keeps me from living the way I want to. I want honesty, clarity, respect, harmony, love....in that order. I want the choices (and mistakes) I make to be MINE, not of some long-dead pathetic monster.
We can get better....and you've got a 20 year head start on me!
[This message edited by Dagny07 at 9:44 PM, November 16th (Friday)]
1) 4-5 yrs old--- molested by about a 50 yr old paper delivery man in his van. He bought me candy. Mom found out about it and confronted him and his wife.
2) 4-5 yrs old--- My grandfather would take me up to the water barrels in the bush behind our house and "do dirties to me" I told mom and she confronted him and he admitted it.
3) 13-14 yrs old--- My mothers common-law husband would come home drunk and molest me. Mom found out and left him. He said I was a liar and a troublemaker. About this age my younger brother and step-brother tied me up to the bed posts and were going to "have a little fun" with me. They finally let me go. I believe this was on my 13th birthday.
4) 15 yrs old--- A car full of boys took me for a ride to the outskirts of town, in the bush, and started shoving me from one guy to the next saying "OK, your turn, and grabbing at my clothes. I guess they were just having "guy fun" but it was devistating to me. I thought I was going to be raped and was scared out of my witts. They did threaten me and told me not to say anything, or else.
5) 16 yrs old--- I was almost raped on a train by some lunatic that got up into my sleeping berth in the night. I somehow convinced him to let me go to the washroom a couple of cars down and when I realized the train was coming to a stop, I got help. It was a very frieghtening experience. I have always believed he was a convict. Very intimidating and controlling.
Besides what I have written further on in my profile I had a ONS with a couple of males before marriage and sex with a couple of my boyfriends. After marriage there were a couple guys that kissed me and I allowed them to inappropriately touch my breasts.
I have been married since November 8th 1968. I have had 2 ONS and 2 three month affairs. I could have very easily got involved in another affair. Even though the OM was tempted, he was smart enough to put his family and job ahead of lust and realize what he would have been risking had he have buckled to temptation. He was a manager/forman of a big plant.
I admire and respect him greatly for that decision. I was doing well after my last affair in 1982 until I went to my friends wedding a few years later and was really hurt because she had asked someone else to stand up for her after I had been her best friend for years. I was devastated and felt betrayed. Even though I didnít drink at that time, I got really drunk and ended up inappropriately touching and kissing a man I never met before. Luckely I came to my senses and left. My husband knew about the ONS and the 2 affairs. When I confessed after my last affair in 1982, I was hysterical and I told my husband I was going to leave. He took me in his arms and said ďI love you, I forgive you and youíre not going anywhere, weíll get through this.Ē For 3 months he comforted me as I nearly had a nervous breakdown. As time went on, he started to ask questions. I just told him I didnít want to talk about it and told him not to rub it in my face. He continued to ask off and on for the next 22 years, always getting the same answer. Then in November of 2004 he almost lost it. Even though I had put the affair behind me and thought he had to, he lived the nightmare over and over in his head until he got to the point he wanted to drive his car infront of a truck just to end his pain. I had no idea he was hurting. He explained to me how important it was to have closure. For the first time I started talking. But it was truth mixed with lies. Because so many years had passed, I had
forgotten so many of the details that he so desperately needed. I would give him a bone and let him chew on it for awhile and then give him another one. I didnít want to hurt him any more than he already was.
I know now that I should have been open and honest with him and told him the cold hard truth from the very beginning instead of shoving it under the carpet. Finally on Valentines Day 2006 I came clean about everything. Things that he knew about and things he didnít know about. So much of what I had done didnít make sense. I phoned a councellor and we have started dealing with my many cases of childhood sexual
abuse and incest and also growing up in a dysfunctional family. My dad was very sick with a fatal crippling disease from the time I was old enough to know he was my dad and then I was ripped out of his arms when he was finally admitted to a hospital when I was about 10,11. I hardly ever saw him after that. My aunt took me and my 2 brothers to see him once and she said we were all crying and a visitor in the hospital told her he was leaving because he couldn't stand watching that any more. She said she would never take us there again. I'm sure my dad was crying and holding onto us because he probably thought he'd never see us again. He was right. I've always been angry that I lost my dad and I would often imagine him putting his loving arms around me and telling me everything was going to be O.K. He should have been there to protect me from those that hurt me, but he wasn't. Not long after he was sent to the hospital my mom started living with the man I called "my new daddy" he would get drunk often and besides molesting me, he would beat my mom up. After mom left him, she lived common-law with a couple of other men who also drank and beat her. She was looking for love in all the wrong places and was also looking for someone who could help her financially raise her kids. We were her main concern. I saw her doing things and acting in ways that I should have never been exposed to. Even though I love my mother with all my heart, she didn't set a good example for her children. I have my reasons for believing she was also molested and her family was also disfuntional. I had no disapline or rules. When I started going out with boys. All I was told was not to get pregnant. Yet I don't think she would have cared if I did. I could do no wrong in her eyes. She leaned on me alot to help with my brothers. Even though I refuse to use any of this as an excuse it all had a negative impact in my life. I own my own crap and take full responsibility for all my actions.
I can relate to what drug addicts must go through. Itís like a drug. I knew what I wanted and needed, and I knew what the price was to get it. It repulses me to know how low I would go. I am so ashamed and humiliated to know I risked losing my marriage and family. They loved me so much. I went to church and sang praises to the Lord, went to bible studies and even took communion once a month. I was a great hypocrite, yet I thought I was just as good as everyone else. I even put God on the back burner.
I had a great marriage and 2 wonderful boys whom I loved dearly, yet that wasnít enough. I was in the gutter and it wasnít until Valentines day, at the age of 54 that I just realized how messed up I really was.
In reality, I was messed up from a very young age and it followed me through the rest of my childhood, my teens and my marriage because I didnít deal with my issues when I should have. Thatís because I didnít know I had issues until it was almost too late. Unfortunately, I also learned that I could use My body to get what I thought I needed at the time. But then again, I had lost all respect of my body long ago. On the brighter side, with the help and support of my husband, weíre facing all the demons from my past head on. It has been a rough road but one that we will be able to look back at with pride because we beat it before it destroyed us. I thank God often for getting another chance.
I have been able to recognize my weaknesses as needing my low self esteem built up by being shown
affection and attention. My low self esteem made me vulnerable to the advances of men who showed me these things. When I received these things, it was like a drug. I sucked it up like a sponge. I liked being told I was a good person, knowing Iím liked and that I am a somebody. I always thought very little about myself. When I heard these things, I kept going back for more. Just like that addict I was referring to, the more I got the more I wanted and sex was an easy way to say thank you. How disgusting.
I was searching for something, I had a viod. I had no idea what that void was. What made me do the stupid things I did?????
I can now see that all the sexual abuse and growing up in a disfuntional family had a great impact in my life. I can understand why I thought the way I did and why I chose to go down a self destructive path. My councellor said "hurt people, hurt people. How true. The problem is, the people who get hurt usually don't deserve it. Right. Yet, I loved my husband with all my heart.. I was definately out to self destuct. In reality, I tried to sabatage my marriage from the very beginning. Looking back now I can see many times when I tried to sabatage things, especially when they were special days like Valentines day, fathers day, my husbands birthday, our anniversary etc. I didn't mean to do it, but I guess I didn't think I deserved to have anything good and ended up messing those special occassions up one way or another. Now I realize I always have to keep my guard up, but at least now I have a chance. I know what I'm up against.
If you can identify with my story, search for answers as to the "WHY". You might be surprised at what you find. Never give up and take one day at a time. Take care, SB
I have a great deal of compassion for him, however, I need to protect myself. I wanted to be his ally; he has now had 2 (maybe more) A's. I have to be my own ally now. I thought I had a husband and friend. Some friend, eh. I promised to be true in sickness and health, richer or poorer, etc. And I was, and am. He couldn't manage to be true to ME in the good times.
Sad, sad, sad. I know there is a great deal of pain and torture in his soul. Still, I realize I must take care of me now: I no longer trust him or believe what he says or does.
In the meantime, back off from your H for your own sanity, and if having sex feels like abuse to you right now, don't.
My 2 cents; I sure feel for you.
I'm a survivor of sexual abuse and now I'm feeling that same feeling of feeling abused again but now by my WH. Is this normal?
Not only is it normal... it's accurate. Because infidelity is abuse. I've seen countless SAb survivors on SI who describe the trauma and sense of violation from their S's infidelity as comparable to, and often greater than, their previous SAb trauma. What often makes it even more painful is that an SAb survivor usually has problems with trusting people and maintaining long-term relationships, and it hurts that much more when one of the few people in the world you thought you could trust with your heart and your welfare turns out to be a betrayer too. More often than not, a SAb perpetrator was somebody that the survivor was supposed to be able to trust and be supported by too.
Yes, Samgie, it's very normal, right down to the feelings of violation and the lack of sexual feelings for your WH that you describe. I'll also back up what s.squirrel said about having an IC help you through this and not doing anything with your WH that feels like abuse or a violation to you at this point.
I read your profile story and I wanted to give you a question to think over... what similarities do your WH and your perpetrator have in common? Abuse survivors, especially SAb, have a strong tendency to be attracted to people who are reminiscent of their perpetrator(s) in some way. Thinking this question over could open your eyes to some disturbing things inside yourself that you hadn't seen or hadn't allowed yourself to think about before... and it may help explain why you chose someone for a mate who is now attending Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. It may also help you avoid choosing someone like that again if you decide that being with a sex addict is not the right thing to do for you and for your children.
[This message edited by LSGirl at 10:44 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]