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User Topic: Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's
baltimore
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Member # 13766
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonerider and Hurts,

I'm a SAS (my dad) - not sure why but it has not affected my sex life. I love sex and like it often - I just don't equate sex to love.

In the VERY beginning of my dealing with the abuse - I freaked out if my H touched me while I was asleep - other than that - not really affected. Sorry I can't help on this one.


Posts: 392 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: baltimore
hurts
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Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been wanting to just put some thoughts down about having to deal with this SAb issue.

i reconize that her A was directly linked to her behaviors from the SAb. Not an excuse, just some reasoning.

I know tha her sexual issues that are really demonstarting themselves in the last few years are also closely tied.

Her need for constant reassurance and need for demonstarted love is also connected. She needs to be center of atention in our relationship. I am normally fine with this. But I had hoped that eventually she would stat showing me some attention. Doing little hings for me. She does one thing and then it has to suffice for sometimes a year or better. I just wanted it to equalize.

I like doing things for her, but I get little in return. I know it is so selfish, but how about something back some times.

Her defensive nature has her sometimes harsh in speech. It always sounds like she is angry. I know she isn't, but still. Many folks misintrepet her. She just doesn't get it that she can change that. But to her she asks "why".

I hear all the time how much she is trying. I am not sure what it is she is trying or what is the goal. I have talked about communications until I am completely exhasted. She is always sarcastic and down about anything that might mean she will have to open herself up. Almost everything given to us by he IC/MC has never been tried. I want to read it together, "no, you do that".

She is stellar at work. This is her one huge success. She excells at it and I am so proud of her. But thats it, she come home flops on the bed and is done. If I ignore the dinner, 95+% of the time it is ignored. The kids are just on get by.

When I ask for some time with her, a get away or something. There is always something. Mostly her work. but if her sister asks for a trip, man in hours notice she is ready to go. No worries about the money , schedule or anything. If I ask, well hell - nothing. And God forbid I ask for a date night. Las time I asked it was "can't leave the kids".

It is always something. Always some excuse, unless it is for her, then something can be found. She moved all she could to attend DD 8th grade graduation. I was expected to attend (I would not have missed it anyway). Yet she can not even try to get time off for my sons closing activities and awards ceremony. But thats ok, I really think she hates the kid anyway. She can let any oppurtunity go by to not say something sarcastic to him. He leaves tonight, moving out. I can't blame him. I agree that WW has made life miserable for him. His situation is not the greatest, but she could give a shit less. Her defense to her ill treatment of him is that he did it to her. They are both just like a couple of teens fighting. Problem is only one is the teen. The other is suppose to be the adult/parent.

I hate having to walk on eggshells. It drives me nuts that I have to watch what I say because there is so much out there that sets her off.

I love her, but I think she is doing a good job of killing off that love. Maybe it is for the best. But this whole process has cost me any possible shred of self respect. It has gotten me to the point of prefering self destruction than to try another life. It is sad. This thought does not cause me distress anymore. A year ago, it did, six months ago it did, heck last month I still found myself arguing the point to myself. Not this week, I am rapidly approaching the I care even less and less about it. I am hoping that the love will die soon, so that maybe I can start to ease off the pain I feel in my heart. It is about six months beyond unbearable.

I am torn and twisted inside. I have had about as much as I can take. WW has just now started to aproach her end points, but then again I don't know if she will. She usually just approaches it and then turns and runs. No confrontation. Just run away. She was running when I met her. Trick was i was just out of a M and we just kind of collided. It had bad karma from the begining. I thought that we could make it work. I used to believe that love could get you past most anything. Well, it can't. It sure won't get you past SAB.

Well, I tried the fight. I wanted us to win. I wanted her to defeat her demons and find happiness in herself.

I have failed. I have lost.

I am at endpoint.
Untie the safety knot and let me slip away into oblivion. I leave no trail, except the tears, and what life blood was left after the slaughter.

SAb - you win.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
orchid
Member
Member # 7223
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 1st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurts, I may have said this before...or maybe several befores but living with a SAb puts us in a situation that we lose ourselves if we don't become aware. Too many years of unpredictable behaviour that we just can't get a grasp on. We cannot fix our spouse and trying drains us. Their neediness and I love you/I hate you issues that we give, give, give to overcome creates an environment that isn't healthy for either. Too overly bonded that speaks of control by both. And remember SAbs are terrified of control. Its time you quit trying to change her and trying to control her thinking and setting yourself up for her passive/control. Did I mention before, my IC pointing out the emotional abuse? Probably, it was such a light-bulb moment for me. Start reaching out to Hurts, start refinding you. I have to remind myself daily that I am a separate person and do not allow myself to be used and manipulated in the name of love or should I say neediness and narcissim? Understand the dynamics of abuse survival but don't let it control you.
As a last thought your posts seem to reflect depression on your part. Have you seen a doctor about that or are you on meds?
Hope I didn't say to much here but from "out here" it seems you are going around and around on the merry go round, not a good ride.

[This message edited by orchid at 8:41 AM, June 1st (Friday)]


You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
TwistedInside
♂ Member
Member # 6147
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, June 1st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurts,

I'll repeat part of what I posted yesterday in another thread, because I'm not sure you read it:

It sounds as if your W is pushing you away. Maybe she can't "help" doing it because of her sexual abuse background, but she is aware she's doing it.

At a certain point, you may not have any choice but to file for divorce. Or, she may decide to file herself.

Hurts, you have to realize that her course of actions is ultimately out of your hands. What you have to do is step back and figure out as objectively as you can if there really is any hope in changing her. She's been on this path for a long time; and despite periodic signs of progress, the direction has remained the same.

If you can't help her, then don't let her drag you down with her. But this can't go on indefinitely.

Lonerider,

My W didn't like me mentioning the frequency issue either. Her desire for sex increased after her affair, and so did the variety. She eventually told me she hadn't felt comfortable trying new things beforehand because she feared I would think she was dirty. Or maybe she finally felt safer feeling dirty. No way for me to know now.

[This message edited by TwistedInside at 8:37 AM, June 1st (Friday)]


Me: BS; divorced Nov. 1, 2005, after 23 years of marriage
Incredible kids: Two
Current status: Remarried! 11/28/09
------------------------------------
So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key

Posts: 2049 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Illinois
TwistedInside
♂ Member
Member # 6147
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 1st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Orchid, you are right on the money in your comment about losing oneself in this fight. A great post. Hurts, read it again.

A very wise person who managed to R after her H's affair once told me that she eventually realized that a marriage does not define the people in it, that you define yourself.

If you let the marriage define you, then your spouse's faults become your faults, and your spouse's failures become your failures.

As Orchid said, understand the dynamics of SAb, but don't let it become your dynamic.


Me: BS; divorced Nov. 1, 2005, after 23 years of marriage
Incredible kids: Two
Current status: Remarried! 11/28/09
------------------------------------
So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key

Posts: 2049 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Illinois
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 1st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys make lots of sense. Orchid - I can see what your saying. I know I feel inside me an attempt to detatch from it. I now consiously think hat it is not her or me but the behavior. but also that she does have some control over it.

What it is doing is killing the love which is the attachment.

Here is the thing that is so hard. I just can't seem to give up on her. It is like the youth I wrk with. They have made mistakes, but there are very few "bad" kids out there. You can always find some strength which I have seen allows them to grow.

I see this in her. I think she has the desire to change. She wants to try and figure this out. We have had a bad IC. We need to change, but are also heavily driven by ecomomy. I have discovered a path, thanks to ultrapain that might help. As orcid and baltimore have pointed out and twisted, I need to understand this and try to avoid the control issues. It is atough learning curve, like a knife edge, it cuts deep and hurts like heck.

I think I reconize the futility of trying to save the M. It is the control over me that is finally pushing me too far. (Among other). Yet I still want her to seek out a path to not allow it to control her. If that is still possible, hen it will help. My goal is not to fix the M, but to help insure a more peaceful life for the kids. Everything done so far is cumulative in her. If I quit right now, it will be lost. i think the only drive with her is still the fear of the loss of the M. I guess all said it is still a kind of security blanket. She still states a security with me. She knows I will not do anything physical to her. It to was one of the auses. I don't know if that is a fator or not.

This is such a stange and unique situation. he interaction of all of her experiences is like a synergism. I know she is alwys sayig ha she feels so lost. Never really knowing what to do. I can't help because my answers are not her answers.

I know I am rapidly approaching endpoint. I am trying now to secure a position to establish myself. One of the issues that purpetuiates itself with me is that I was a stay at home dad for six years and am just now get back to income producing enough to possibly survive on. But that is still in the fall/ winter.

There are so many variables. It is such a tough call. I too am still trying to manage my demons. I think I have some undr new management, but still working. We are both fairly messed up and came into the relationsip that way. problem is I have become the vocal one and so only one side is heard. Her lack of self worth keeps her from opening up. That is a shell I will not ever crack. It is one of the things I know will not happen unless she finds a better IC, And her fear of having to live it out again in retelling the story will keep her away from another counselor. Part of this is how I know it is time to quit. But no decision is that easy. And I still have my reluctance to quit on her. Too much at stake.

As I have always felt, no one can tell me too much. I learn so much from these conversations. I am reluctant to respond to some , most just because the emotions of the present situations have me raw. I am so tird and confused. I am tired of crying over all of his. Trick is, she feels the same way. She says she is tired of trying, all we do is try. It iriates her, but I keep asking her for her defination of trying, because I don't see it. I see voice, and maybe some initial effort, but then give up before anything gets done. No real effort. It is hard. She is used to running from it. It confuses her and she seeks out her shelter in her mental closets.

I wish I could do that sometimes, just for the break.

Anyway, I need to get to work. I was up all night at the Senior all nite party. so am running late.

Thanks guys. If you can tolerate me, keep telling me. I need to know that something is outr there but also that other things are possible. I also don't want to lose sight of her in the process, nor myself. This all helps.

Thanks


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
TwistedInside
♂ Member
Member # 6147
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurts, a few questions:

-- I think she has the desire to change. She wants to try and figure this out. We have had a bad IC.

I'm not in a position to question this, because you know her best. But Other things you've said lead me to believe she repeatedly has done as little a possible in terms of her therapy. And she is verbally and emotionally hard-nosed to you.

I get the impression she doesn't want the suffering and drama but that she's willing to let things go otherwise. I really don't get the idea that she wants to change. Her actions don't say it.

-- Part of this is how I know it is time to quit. But no decision is that easy. And I still have my reluctance to quit on her. Too much at stake.

You are reluctant to quit, and I continue to have admiration for that. And you are right: This decision is hard. I've seen many new posters in the D/S forum ask how folks knew it "was time" to seek a divorce. There IS no easy answer to this.

One answer might be that you've done all you could -- repeatedly, over a long period -- and your spouse would not take the steps necessary to improve himself/herself, would not help you heal, and did not show signs of doing either of those things in the future.

Do you think that's a good set of criteria for deciding whether to go on or end your marriage? If not, what specifically has to happen or not happen in order for you to make the decision?

-- This thread is about SAb survivors and their spouses. It's geared toward helping both sides understand and deal with these demons. The unspoken premise is that the demons can be overcome with enough work, willingness, guidance and support.

In light of that, could you accept the idea that an SAb survivor -- yours -- might be destined to fail in this endeavor?

Hurts, some do fail. Mine did. I've told her more than once about the things she needs to do to heal and why, and it's like throwing a stone down a deep well -- I never hear a splash. Some people just don't want to be healed, or don't want to do what's necessary for it.

As I've told you before, I really am not trying to push you toward divorce. I AM trying to get you to look at your situation more objectively and not let yourself get caught up in the emotional eddies that swirl in various places of your marriage.

I want your W to heal, but my concern for her is secondary. I'm in your corner here. I want what's best for you, even if it may not be what she wants.


Me: BS; divorced Nov. 1, 2005, after 23 years of marriage
Incredible kids: Two
Current status: Remarried! 11/28/09
------------------------------------
So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key

Posts: 2049 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Illinois
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

twisted - man you have no idea how much I appreciate your friendship and your insight. It is a balancing point, because all I get here is my warped opinion that is flucuating with the wind and tide.

I think inside she wants to change. Part of her problem is her inability to see some of this as a problem. That and me vasilating around what the problem is. Right now for what ever reason, I have become angry at the A. Not the A actual, but I think her reluctance to help me heal. I am the wishywashy one on this. My emotions are all over the place. I know that I have been dreading my son's leaving home. yesterday was his last day basicly for 14 yo. He has moved out to his mom's. 18 yo graduated yesterday. Lots of issues there. I am seeing her waffle on what to do, but when the crap hits the fan, she is all ovr the place. This is telling me that she wants to, but she is either afraid to or just doesn't know how to. Having a crappy IC doesn't help. I was scepticale of this notion of a bad IC being worse. But I am now a firm believer. I am hopeful that she will follow my advice and find a specialist in it. I have found one, who is also certified in EMDR. I am hoping that she will try it. The pastor is also going to encourage this.

I know that I am flaky in this area of leaving. I have never left a relationsip. I should have, but I have always held out to the very bitter end. I know this one is dragging me down bad. This is why I know I need to leave. But truely, I just don't know how to. I have no experience, I am so very afraid of what is out there. It is me, no one else. but I do know that the longer it goes, the easier it becomes. It is follwing its own solution.

Maybe it is just me waiting for her to file. Then I can use the excuse that I did not leave. She did. Maybe it is I who is looking for the crutch.

I do know that when I decide to leave, it creates such a turmoil within me, it puts me back to indecision. I don't want to make the wrong choice, so I back up to caution and back down. I don't want to make a major decision, and be uncommitted to it in my heart. Does that make any sense.

To all here, I cannot express my appreciation for your comments and advice, and most importantly your friendship and concern. Tere is nothing that any can say that I would take offense to. I need to balance my thinking, and that is done with input.

Thanks


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
ultrapain
♀ Member
Member # 12810
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurts,

I'm glad to hear you found a specialist close enough to you. I hope she tries and this new approach helps her. My heart breaks when I hear about people who haven't been able to pick themselves up and heal.

EMDR is different and can be helpful, but she still has to really commit to it. She is still going to have to reach deep inside herself and deal with whatever horror she finds. It doesn't seem she has ever looked at it so it is going to be terribly difficult for her and the ride for you won't get any easier for a while. EMDR isn't magic.

She has to really want it, not all victims do because its hard. She hasn't really seemed to try beyond telling you she will. Compartmentalizing and denial seem so much easier...and you don't realize it isn't until you stop and heal and look back. You can't want it for her.

The others have said much of what I'm thinking. The codependent in me is very worried about the codependent in you. I guess I'm just really concerned about how she treats you. I think someone else said it before. Its abusive. You are not her emotional dumping ground. What she has been through doesn't give her the right to treat you the way she does. Please give a little of that concern, understanding, and caretaking to yourself.

(((hurts))) I truly hope this can help her and you. As always, your effort is nothing short of heroic.

~UP


The phoenix Hope can wing her way through the desert skies and still, defying fortune's spite, revive from ashes and rise. ~Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

I'm a cranberry!


Posts: 1798 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Bloom County..in the Outland now
rvcurrit
♂ Member
Member # 8105
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurts;
Hey guy, why do you think you Have to Divorce?

I'm sitting here thinking maybe a seperation would be better?

Maybe if you just got away for a while your WW might see that things could be worse than they are right now?

I do know that some time to yourself would help you deal with things better or at least let you get some peace.

Just a thought
hang in there I am praying for you.
Ron


If I had to do it all over again--
I'd do it with you, Samanatha!
I am Married to Samanatha and proud of it!
"Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they hav

Posts: 3377 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: an Island in Alaska
smokenfire
Member
Member # 5217
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe she can't help doing it because of her sexual abuse background, but she is aware she's doing it.

This is not necessarily true.

Any kind of therapy is like peeling away an onion - for SAB's it's that to the power of 10.

In addition to the peeling away of wrong methods and behaviors one must learn NEW life skills etc. It's a lot like teaching a blind person to paint with water colors.

We were in MC lately and the pastor was talking about my wall building abilities. Now understand I have the utmost respect for this man and I trust him and he says, See you just did it.

I didn't do anything and told him as much, I was like Dude I am just sitting here, I'm good.

Now truthfully, I know something happened, but it wasn't as though I made a concious choice to do anything. "it" just happened.

I think it's very dangerous to take general knowledge and apply it to SAB's across the board. There are too many variables (the length of the abuse, who the perpatrator is, etc.)


You live what you know until you decide to learn something else. Trust and believe when I tell you it is tremendously difficult to learn how to be intimate when you absolute survival depended on insulating yourself as a child. It can be done, but being a partner to someone walking that journey is not perhaps for everyone.


I have a very strict no returns policy - if you got him - you have to keep him.
Don't kick me in the mouth and then complain about how I bleed...

Posts: 5961 | Registered: Aug 2004
brokenhalo
♀ Member
Member # 14754
Question  Posted: 7:57 AM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read through all the posts in this topic and so much rings true with my FWH it is unbelievable.

The question I have is, does any one have any information or links for the Spouse of a SA that has become an SA due to their spouse?

In MC last week he had to write a letter to his abuser, his brother to get his anger out. I could have written the same letter to my husband! I am now to the point I do not think I can go on in this marriage and want to know if there is a way to reconcile and have a good marriage when your husband is your sexual abuser. At this point I do not see it and any insight would be appreciated.


Me (BS): 35 Him (WH): 34
Kids: DD 10, DS 6
WH/SA: EA with my Sister 2001-2003
EA then PA with sister's BF and his co-worker 7 months in 2002
D-Day #1 12/31/2002 our anniversary: Denied but stopped his A
D-Day #2 3/11/2007 Admitted A

Posts: 67 | Registered: May 2007 | From: TX
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenhalo - first off welcome.
What a tough question. I speak as the spouse of a SAb.

I think it would depend on yur defination and description of SAb. I know tha what I receive is emotional abuse. If your WH is sexually abusing you, in my terms forcing things and situations unacceptable to you, then it is abuse and unacceptable.

Have you addressed this to your MC? Can it be that he is unaware of the extent and intensity of how you feel? If you are in an abusive situation, then it needs to resolve and you need to take cae of yourself.

It sounds as if you guys are rying to resolve issues. WH is dealing with a long process, you need to decide if it is going to work for you. But if you feel unsafe, then you need to leave. If you do so choose, write out a letter to MC and WH to explain why you are feeling this SAb, so that hese issues can be addressed to WH. And you need to sek out IC to resolve your issues.

Please come back and let us know what is happening. This is a good place to heal and there is so much better sdvice out there than mine. It might also be god if you posted your situaion and circumstances in General. Many more folks there.

Thanks


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
brokenhalo
♀ Member
Member # 14754
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Hurts for the welcome. Wish I did not have to be here...but glad to find the little group.

I did not want to go into details, so as not to trigger someone else off...but your definition of sexual abuse is the same as mine. It is all abuse but he says he "was just loving on his wife". GAG!

Since I was so far down into the hole of depression, in MC we had dealt mainly with me and getting me out of the hole. Our MC does deal with sexual abuse so that was comforting until last week when she said I "feel like" I have been abused sexually. In the beginning she was trying to find out who abused me sexually as a child and it took 2 other sessions to convince her it was all H's doing. Hubby can not remember events like I do through out our marriage and still insists he did not force himself on me. Isn't that convenient on his part not to remember?

I did not know until March of this year that he was even abused as a child, he never dealt with it and hid it all from me. It was not until he had to sit down and write that letter to his brother that he realized he was doing the same things to me that were done to him.

Next MC session I have to write a letter to hubby and at this point I could write a whole novel on that. My mind is going in circles on all this that is why I was wondering if anyone else had any insight on spousal sexual abuse.

For the first time in forever I do not feel scared or unsafe here in the house. All the anxiety I have had for so long is gone, the AD's are working and I can see the world without the fog. He knows if he touches me I will be out the door. He does seem to be trying to work on his issues but then that passive aggressive behavior come back and he falls back into blame anyone but himself for what has been done.

I did not mean to write so much, but hope that helps explain my situation a bit more. Thanks again.


Me (BS): 35 Him (WH): 34
Kids: DD 10, DS 6
WH/SA: EA with my Sister 2001-2003
EA then PA with sister's BF and his co-worker 7 months in 2002
D-Day #1 12/31/2002 our anniversary: Denied but stopped his A
D-Day #2 3/11/2007 Admitted A

Posts: 67 | Registered: May 2007 | From: TX
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you have the process going. I would tend to think that it is good to present this in MC, allow for some moderation of it. When you write the letter, don't pull any punches. If you can get all of it on the table the maybe an equitable solution can be found.

I wish it were possible for me to put some of my stuff on the table so that it could get worked out. But right now she ids in her IC.

I know that I feel much could be resolved ifwe could at least talk about it. But one of the issues is she doesn't see it. Just like you H, he doesn't se it. The process needs to be worked through to allow this to happen.

Hang in there. Just being the spouse is tough. It can be abusive in many forms. but if proper help is applied, it can get better. We have folks here who prove that. but it is a rough road.

I know that since my W has become aware of some things, it has improved here at home. I would like to see improvement in our intimate life, but I am still willing to wait. She needs to feel comfortable also, otherwise it is not what it shoud be.

Take care, write your letter, then reread it to insure it is all there. Do it over several days, it is more compete that way. It is a tough write. Then see what happens.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
orchid
Member
Member # 7223
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, June 7th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The question I have is, does any one have any information or links for the Spouse of a SA that has become an SA due to their spouse?

I am not sure what you are specifically speaking of here but I think any spouse of a SAb is going to have issues. There have been posts speaking of the spouse as a secondary survivor. Have you read Sexual Healing Journey?


You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
brokenhalo
♀ Member
Member # 14754
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 7th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Orchid.
There have been posts speaking of the spouse as a secondary survivor. Have you read Sexual Healing Journey?

I guess the plainest way to put it is that my husband has been sexually abusing me through out our marriage the same way he was abused as a child. I am not a secondary survivor because I am actually a victim now...trying to survive.

I do have the book Sexual Healing Journal and I am still reading it. I was just wondering if there was more information out there on Spouses becoming victims due to their partners being SA's and being able to survive and still stay with their spouse.

I am to the point I am so mad and angry that he brought this ugliness into my life without me ever knowing he was ever abused, that I don't know how I can reconcille with him and stay in the marriage. Just looking for a positive reason to keep on going with him at this point.


Me (BS): 35 Him (WH): 34
Kids: DD 10, DS 6
WH/SA: EA with my Sister 2001-2003
EA then PA with sister's BF and his co-worker 7 months in 2002
D-Day #1 12/31/2002 our anniversary: Denied but stopped his A
D-Day #2 3/11/2007 Admitted A

Posts: 67 | Registered: May 2007 | From: TX
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 7th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am to the point I am so mad and angry that he brought this ugliness into my life without me ever knowing he was ever abused, that I don't know how I can reconcille with him and stay in the marriage. Just looking for a positive reason to keep on going with him at this point.

I read this and am impressed that it is not unlike what we are all going thrugh. I am angry that I was dragged into this infidelity mess. I did not choose it. Why should I have to deal with it. I can say the very same bout the SAb issues. It has such a control over its victims that it can not help but reabuse those it comes in contact with. That is until it can be reconized and managed. Allowing the victim some healing and ability to move past it to some sembence of life without its constant influence. It will never go away, but it can be made so much better.

No one wants this, but some of us are choosen by whatever power to have it come into our lives. It has come into my life, and I have choosen to stick it out because of the love I have for my wife. I am not sure it is a positive, but it is why. She is my wife, we have a bond. She has ahistory of something terrible in her life. It has a death grip on her and I don't care for it. It's influence is to the extent of even infidelity, because it so destroys the self value and worth of a soul. But neither did she openly invite that into her life. No it was brought to her and thrust on her, very much against her free will.

Because of my love for her, I choose to stand with her. Does it hurt, well, I have thousands of posts and PMs that describe the pain and damage it causes. It has nearly taken my life. Yet I am still here, to prove to it that I believe that my love for her is stronger than it is. I look else where on this board and see its ugly effects.

No one chooses to bring this into heir homes and lives. But it comes anyway. We have to meet it and work with it and get through it, all for one reason, the love we have for our spouse.

The blessing here is that here are folks who understand, and can hear and feel and most importantly know the pain that is created. And they support and share the hurt and pain caused by this. And they encourage that which is best for you.

I can not find anything positive in his mess. I have the hope that we can survive it. I have a prayer that we can gain strength from it. I know I have learned things about myself that I didn't care for and am trying to improve myself, so that I can be the better person for it. Yet all of these trials have not one face, but many. And everytime we turn a corner it seems to show more faces. But if I have a love for my wife, which I do, and I can stand the torment, along with her torment. Then I will, and for one real reason only. Because I love her, and I believe that love counts.

I understand your search. i guess mine is a different perspective, because I am a male. But I know full well that myself and many others on this board understand the depths of abuse wrought upon the spouses.We have all made his same search and still do everyday. But I can tell you this, it is what lies within that composes the answer. Without any doubt, you must be safe. If the situation is volitile then position yourself to be safe. But it is a tough path to stay. I hope in the end it will be worth it. If not for the M then for me, to have been through the fire and back, and hopefully learned more about myself.

Prayers and blessing be on you.

(((((hugs)))))


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
orchid
Member
Member # 7223
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 8th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you feeling angry at yourself because in hindsite you "allowed" your H to manipulate you in to doing things you were not comfortable with?


You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Western US
brokenhalo
♀ Member
Member # 14754
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 8th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you feeling angry at yourself because in hindsite you "allowed" your H to manipulate you in to doing things you were not comfortable with?

Yes Orchid, I am angry and do blame myself, that is my defense mechanism...blame myself for everything. That is how I got so far down in the spiral of depression. In MC and therapy I am dealing with the "me" blaming.

If it was just manipulation I think I could deal with it more...just know it was more than that. I learned early in the marriage I could not run or leave.


Me (BS): 35 Him (WH): 34
Kids: DD 10, DS 6
WH/SA: EA with my Sister 2001-2003
EA then PA with sister's BF and his co-worker 7 months in 2002
D-Day #1 12/31/2002 our anniversary: Denied but stopped his A
D-Day #2 3/11/2007 Admitted A

Posts: 67 | Registered: May 2007 | From: TX
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