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My wife is a legitimately beautiful woman. She is in great shape. She doesn't need makeup to look great. She is just a naturally beautiful person. But, after the affair, I have very little interest in kissing her or being with her.

The other woman was a knockout, but was completely opposite of my wife. My wife is tall and athletic, blonde hair, blue eyes. The other woman was dark hair, dark skin, dark eyes, very curvy. My wife is pretty. The other woman was sexy.

I know part of that description is the fantasy of the affair, but that's an accurate description of how I feel after 2 1/2 years with the other woman and about 3 months into a very difficult withdrawal period. I only want to kiss the other woman and touch the other woman.

Is this a common response that some of you have gone through? My concern is that attraction is something that seems to come based upon your instinct and not on "working hard."

Thanks for any help.

esmdqt, I know men and women are different, but I'm a little concerned by your post. My attraction to the OM had nothing to do with anything physical nor did my disconnect from my H. I was attracted toward the attention and the needs that were being filled. You describe the two in only physical terms. Was that the basis for your infidelity? That you became physically attracted to someone else? If so, I don't know that I can be of any help. I do know that during my withdrawal from the A I had no attraction to my H, but as soon as we started healing and re-connecting it came back. I believe you have to be emotionally connected to someone to have attraction (beyond the surface) to them. I'm sorry I couldn't be more help. Maybe if I knew more about your story.

As a guy, I would hypothesize that you're still addicted to the fantasy of being with a woman who was sexy--a woman who got your motor humming.

My ONS was with a woman who was modestly attractive (whereas--in all sincerity and without bias--my wife is stunningly beautiful) but had an upfront sexuality about her that caught my attention.

After eight years with my wife, that desire to sexually ravage my wife was gone, though I still found her attractive and wanted to have sex with her frequently, but what my OW had was what you're describing about your OW.

During the months after my ONS, when my wife and I weren't having sex and were barely kissing, I sort of missed OW's sexiness and wondered why my wife couldn't have that sort of affect on me anymore.

Now that we've been separated for almost six months now, the times I've been around her, my heart just races. Sometimes--and this is TMI--I've gotten aroused just by holding her hand.

I said all of that to say this: I believe that if you genuinely love your wife, I think your lust (which is what you're describing about NOT having for your wife right now) will return.

I'm not sure that's any comfort to you right now, but I think it can happen.

bulldozer, thanks for your post! It is funny (ironic not tee hee) because if you compare it to mine it's like the classic difference between men and women. I do know what you're saying, though, even from a female perspective. There's an energy from people that are sexy that seems to be a huge draw.

I know how you are feeling.. And yes it's part of withdrawel. It will go away with time..

Of course being a women.. part of my withdrawel was missing the "emotional connection" with OM.. For a month I didn't desire to snuggle/kiss/have sex with my H. Really all I wanted to do was talk about how much I missed OM. For me the reason I was so sexually attracted to OM during the A was bc it was "forbidden."

We're almost 2 years out now.. and I can say.. It goes away.

ANd YES the sexual attraction does return!!!

Hope this helps!! Keep on.. I know withdrawel sucks!!

Thank you all for your responses. Let me share some more and answer some questions, and hopefully you guys can help me some more.

You describe the two in only physical terms. Was that the basis for your infidelity? That you became physically attracted to someone else?

That's something I honestly don't know the answer to. I remember the first day I met her, I thought she was attractive, and she has told me that she thought the same. But, nothing happened until we got closer over the next 4-6 months, became friends, talked a lot, etc. However, we probably wouldn't have talked as much if it weren't for the physical attraction. What we mostly talked about what would happen if we were more than friends, what we would do to one another, etc. Then for about 8 months we played that out. I say 8 months because that's about how long we had an intense physical affair -- sorry if its TMI, but 1-3 times/day we were together. We continued to have a "relationship" for about a total of 2 1/2 years, but it was more than physical for about the last 1 1/2 years. It was still pretty intensely sexual and physical, but nothing like the first 8 months.

Bulldozer, you're speaking my language. My wife I think is very beautiful. The other woman was definitely very attractive, but she was the very upfront sexual type of person. Guys will probably know what I'm talking about when I say this, but she was just the type of girl that you just knew could get it done. There is no question that I wanted to experience that. Like Bulldozer said, the desire to "ravage" my wife was gone, but I had found someone that I wanted to do that to.

I was right. She absolutely knew what she was doing. I didn't think it would be a ONS, but I thought we would go at it for a couple of weeks, and then one of us would snap out of it. But, once it happened, we were both almost immediately addicted to one another. We couldn't get away or stay away from one another.

I don't necessarily want that, although it was absolutely a great feeling in the moment. But, I know my wife is never going to do the things the OW did, and I also know part of that statement is because it was a fantasy. My individual counselor has described it as having "porno sex" and has said that real couples don't have a lifetime of "porno sex." (I've shared with her details that I'm sparing everyone on here.) I understand that she's right, but I would love to know that I can go back to being happy with having "good married sex" which is something that seems pretty ordinary right now.

Thanks nitwhit.

I do miss her emotionally as well, because I felt like she had become my best friend. (I know I'm speaking the typical WS language here.) So, yes, I miss her. I miss just laughing and hanging out with her. But, I've started to reconnect somewhat with my spouse in that area. It seems like its been easier, at least for me, to reconnect emotionally with my spouse than physically.

I honestly don't want to reconnect physically with my wife right now. I do in my head, but my body is telling me that I don't, if that makes sense. I just hope that I get that desire back at some point soon.

[This message edited by esmdqt at 12:20 PM, April 5th (Saturday)]

The more the OW gets OUT of your head.. the more your W will be in your head..

It's like cleaning out a closet I think.. The more the junk gets cleared out the more space you have for good things!

Reconnecting emotionally with your wife WILL eventually lead to reconnection physically.. Going on dates.. having fun together.. laughing, FLIRTING! teasing..

TIME. hehe. I used to hate that word. Too bad time can't go by faster sometimes huh?

esmdqt,

Can I ask if your wife knows about the affair?

nitwit, great post...I talked to my H about this post and he said the exact samething you did esmdqt, that in the beginning there's usually a physical attraction that leads to more, and nitwit is totally on when she said that it is like cleaning out a closet (that's great)...You seem to be asking all the right questions and seem to be very honest. Both very good!!!

kdny,

She does. I told her in the beginning stages of the withdrawal. I hid the affair for 2 1/2 years, and then I thought I was going to lose it if I didn't have her there to support me.

Well, I'm a FWW. I wonder if I'm the only one surprised by your question. I thought guys generally enjoyed sex. Do you not have sex with your BS because she doesn't inspire you? Or do you have sex with her but she's not "doing it" for you?

Sorry to be so blunt about it... but kissing your wife and getting with her is going to help you connect. You are still in the fog, are you not?

At times like these, since my EA was cyber only, I really don't know. But heck, I strongly feel you need to get physical with your wife already!

There is no way to say this without sounding like a complete jerk, so I'm trying to avoid that. I guess its a few factors:

1. She doesn't do it for me like the OW did, and its not even close.

2. There's just nothing new or exciting about it.

You're right, there isn't much of a way to say that that will make it ok but if its your truth then its your truth.

Does she know you feel this way?

What are your reasons for staying with her?

esmdqt,

Well, let's see. Picture your wife having that kind of sex with someone else. Maybe she's not that way with you because you don't illicit that kind of response from her. We were dissatified with the sex we were having pre A but it wasn't because I'm not as sexy as the next gal. It had just gotten stale. Was that my fault? No, he was no longer getting that response from me because he wasn't doing anything to make me feel that way anymore. After Dday, and a month's separation which included a NC from me, that changed dramatically, he couldn't get enough of me. In turn I felt that for him. Married sex will never compare to A sex. It's unfair to compare the BW with the OW. All you have is the fun part, don't have to get up with them in the morning, see them sick, having their period, no makeup, etc. The AP's only see their AP after a lot of anticipation and fantasizing about the next encounter so there's a nice buildup of sexual energy. Who the hell can compete with that? Bet if your wife cut you off for a while and did a good 180 and you could have the OW 24/7 the situation would reverse. Anyone can be a sexy siren in an A, and no one knows that better than a woman. It's like shooting a duck in a barrel. thank goodness I was single in my prime and learned about what a power a woman has in that dept. You have no clue what life 24/7 would be like with the OW. The physical attributes that you attributed to your wife and OW fit me and my XH's AP to a T. According to him she could give a blow job that wouldn't quit anytime, anywhere. Being a virgin bride I certainly was not as well schooled in that area. Long story short, they got married, and she gained 100 lbs and they have lived unhappily everafter. I, on the other hand look great and have had a mostly good 2nd marriage . The good news about not comparing myself too much to the OW in my 2nd M, even tho she's 16 yrs younger and very cute, is that experience of being single and knowing how that "sexy" stuff works, like cocaine, doesn't work for the long haul. So even tho you don't feel that attraction for you wife start pretending that you do and see what happens. Good luck, nothing in my post was meant to be judgemental just things as I see it having been the BS

BS here and I'm sooo glad you posted. It's perfect timing for something my h and I discussed earlier.

You said regarding your wife:

1. She doesn't do it for me like the OW did, and its not even close.

2. There's just nothing new or exciting about it.

May I ask, is it her choice not to be sexual in the way you crave? Or does she hold back because of your approach and attitudes?

I have to admit,in my M we don't have the "porno sex" that I'd love to ramp up because of my H's attitudes toward me as a wife. He doesn't suffer from madonna-whore complex. It appears he doesn't want me to vanilla bland, yet, he doesn't want me too up front either.

I walk the razor's edge.

realistically passion is TOUGH to keep alive

but in the end, it is usually the emotional connection that supercedes the physical connection. that said, are you able to emotionally connect with your wife?

you can be attracted to someone based on what's inside, not outside. that said, is your wife beautiful on the inside?

good luck. take care. i would not tell your wife how you are feeling....although i support full honesty when it comes to infidelity. i don't think you should tell her that you don't find her attractive....

PS: Your despcription of your wife and OW were physical decriptions, how they affect you sexually. Not a word about whether you love/like, admire either one of them.

Your BS must feel very rejected if you don't even want to kiss her. Women are highly intuitive. If she is as beautiful as you say she would be a great target for a predator OM. Think about it.

esmdqt -

I've been mulling over responding in this thread, because I know I'm going to be pulling out a big 2x4. I do, on the other hand, think it's warranted... so here goes. You said:

I hid the affair for 2 1/2 years, and then I thought I was going to lose it if I didn't have her there to support me.

Read that over again. Okay, now one more time. Do you see how supremely selfish you sound? You had a LTA, you're still hung up on the OW, and yet you're expecting your BW to be there to support you through it? Where is her support coming from? So let me echo and take a new angle on kdny's question. This is not just a matter of your reasons for staying with her - your quote made clear at least part of the reason. What reasons are you giving her to stay with you? What are you doing for her to help her heal?

Actually, the most basic questions. If you hid your A so successfully, why did you end it? Did you finally realize that you loved your BW and couldn't treat her that way anymore? If so... please make sure you're showing her that. And if not... well then, why did you end the A? Tell us more so that we can help you. Just realize that she (your BW) needs love and help and support right now... even more than you do. Make sure you give it to her... however you can.

Does she know you feel this way?

What are your reasons for staying with her?

She knows that there is an issue, but probably not quite to the level that I've described on here.

I stayed with her because I honestly think she's the best woman I have ever met in my life. She will be the perfect mother to our children, if we have them. She is a great wife in every way. That's not to say we didn't have problems, and obviously have problems now. But, she's just a great, great person. And that's not just coming from someone who is trying to reach recovery, and obviously wants to convince himself that staying with his wife is the right thing to do. That's the way I would have always described her. But, you know the old line, "we're not in love anymore" or at least I'm not.

To be honest, I had the affair because I was bored, and it was new and exciting. I realize that sounds like it could come straight out of any number of books, but it fits me perfectly. During the affair, I always had the feeling that 5 years from now that I would want to be with my wife again. The affair just made me feel young, and I knew I needed to grow up, but I didn't want to. But, I knew when I did finally grow up and start acting like a man, I would want my wife to be with me again. I don't know if that makes any sense or not.

[This message edited by esmdqt at 9:21 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]