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I cannot believe what I did and I am beyond sick over it. I am completely disgusted with myself and the potential damage my stupidity could cause. I am still completely raw over what happened - I wish to God I could block it out, go back and change what I did and how I behaved.

We had a party in our neighborhood and my BS was out of town with my son on a camping trip. I didn't even want to go to the party - but I had volunteered to help host. I ended up getting rip-roaring smashed - there was a lot of shots and tequila going around - I really lost control. After the party I ended up hanging out with a neighbor on my front porch with a joint (I was acting like a 20 year old - WTH was I thinking????) - and then we ended up on my lawn. He started kissing me, promising me so many things, telling me what he wanted to do to me, how good he could make me feel, no one had to know, just 10 minutes... ugh - I was so drunk, so weak, so terribly drunk and uninhibited - I turned down a path I cannot believe I allowed myself to go down. I am not even attracted to this person - why would I do such a horrible thing? We got intimate on the lawn - we did not have penetration - the only thankful thing I can say about that night - he was too drunk in order to perform in that way, despite efforts. It was awful. I am ashamed, I am so scared - I am devastated that our spouses may find out about such a horrible mistake that never should have occurred and never will. I am sober - I will NEVER drink again. This has scared me in such an unimaginable way.

I have not spoken to the OM - we live in a small, very tight community and if word got out about this my reputation and my family would be ruined! I have to pass by this person's home every single day - I see his family at the pool in the summer, the bus stop during the school year - I adore his wife and spoke to her for a long time at the party - we have so much in common. To make the unthinkable even worse - it was their 11th anniversary that night. Why was he even there with me?? I do not understand. I should have told him to go home to his wife - I was so blitzed out of my mind. Not an excuse - I own that - it's just the facts. I could not make a clear decision - I was smashed - and that alcohol abuse (partying / binge drinking) is an issue I am owning and dealing with - and total sobriety.

I am so scared OM is going to tell his BS - from the things he said I am led to believe that he and his wife may be swingers. I am def NOT a swinger - I have been married for 17 years - I want NC with this OM - our neighborly friendship is clearly ruined forever. I do not even know how I can face his sweet wife again.

I was so out of my head that evening - I am so ashamed. I don't know what I expect out of posting this here. I really do not want to tell my BS. Nothing like this is ever, ever, ever going to happen again - I do not want to hurt him unimaginably in order to relive any of the guilt I am feeling. OTOH, I am petrified he is going to find out anyway. I want to ask the OM what his BS knows about that night - but I really don't want to contact him at all.

I hate myself - I am a selfish, horrible person. I am just so sorry.

Hi hollygolightly22

I think you're feeling so afraid because deep down you know he's going to find out and it's going to be far worse for him versus you confessing.

I can feel your anxiety in your words

Personally, I feel that not only does your H have a right to know but he should hear it from you first. If your community is that closely knit, he is going to be beyond humiliated if he finds out through a neighbor or the other BS.

Talk to him Holly...trust that he will listen and that you two can work through this together.

Holly~

First off, welcomed to SI. Check out the Healing Library over there to your left when you have a chance. There's TONS of great information.

Ok, a couple of things:

Have you gone to the doctor yet to get tested? Stuff can still spread without penetration. If you haven't yet, then go ahead and make an appointment and a follow-up in 6 mos. Make sure they check for everything. ESPECIALLY if there was penetration. I know you said there wasn't, but it wouldn't be the first time a WS came on here lying. I'm just saying this because if there really was penetration and you're scared or ashamed to admit that on here it's understandable but makes it even more important than ever to get checked.

Have you had problems in the past with going too far in situations when drinking is involved, not just in this relationship but in past relationships as well? Or even when you were single?

(I was acting like a 20 year old - WTH was I thinking????)

Well, what were you thinking? You liked the attention? You wanted to be "single" for the night? Why did you feel that is was ok to overstep your boundaries?

From what you wrote is seems as though you're not yet taking full responsibility for your actions. You didn't want to go to the party in the first place, you were drunk, then high, then you blame the OP, you're scared about your spouse finding out (understandable) and your reputation. But none of this says you're taking full responsibility, you're blame-shifting. Your reputation should not be an excuse to keep you from telling your H what you did. Your fear should not either and neither does any other excuse. YOUR H DESERVES TO KNOW & GOD FORBID HE FINDS OUT FROM ANOTHER SOURCE OTHER THAN YOU!!!

I could not make a clear decision - I was smashed - and that alcohol abuse (partying / binge drinking) is an issue I am owning and dealing with - and total sobriety.

It's hard to face what we've done and even harder to fix it. It DID happen though. YOU made the choice to be unfaithful and to put yourself in a bad situation. Yes the alcohol and weed played a part, albeit a small one. You weren't so far gone that you were blacked out, though.

from the things he said I am led to believe that he and his wife may be swingers.

This is something you've heard, though. A rumor. Their business is not yours, ok?

Even if it's true it doesn't mean it's ok for him (the AP) to be unfaithful; he still cheated on her. He has to take responsibility for his actions as well but that is going to be between them.

Keep NC, STAY NC. I know it's going to be rough since you live in the same neighborhood. Go out of your way to avoid him. Start looking for houses if that's what it's going to take.

I'm sorry if you fell bombarded with my response, all if this is a lot to take on. The fact that you took it upon yourself to seek help and to register on SI speaks volumes.

Please tell your H and soon. He has the right to know. Tell him about SI. It's a wonderful resource and there's so many here willing to help as long as you're willing to be honest and do the work. It's going to be the toughest thing you've ever done, but if you do it right like by being honest with your H, it will definitely help the healing process.

ETA: I apologize for repeating what DS just said, I was typing while she was posting so please don't think I'm trying to beat you over the head. **Waving** Hi DS!

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 9:05 AM, May 7th (Monday)]

Welcome to SI holly.Like you,I've done some things under the influence that I'm not proud of,though not to the extent that I jeopardized my relationships with infidelity.

I believe,as another poster said that you need to explore your boundaries because I believe that though alcohol can lower your inhibitions,there still has to be something in your own mind that sees this as being acceptable.

Personally, I think you should tell your H,because as you said you live in a small community.You really have no idea who saw you going off together,who saw you on your front porch and most damning,who saw you on the lawn.Chances are people are already talking about it behind closed doors and if so it won't be long until it finds its way to your husbands ears.Your husband has a right to know,and a choice to make.Hearing it from you,at least he'll feel less of a fool then he will if he has to hear it through the neighborhood grapevine.

Sorry you are here and hope you make the right choice.Good luck.

I am a WS, but something like this happened with my BS years ago on a trip. He came home and told me everything.

I was upset, I ranted, I was angry, but the fact that he came to me and was honest and disgusted with himself and never, never wanted it to happen again, meant so much to me. His being able to come to me and be honest about something he knew to be terrible, he knew I'd be upset about, brought me to trust him and his integrity more than ever...not the opposite.

My advice to you is to tell you BS the truth as soon as possible. It will be much, much better coming from you and your BS will be able to trust that you really do regret it and are sorry. If he finds out in another way, it will be harder for him to believe in your remorse.

Hi hollygolightly22.

I think you've already been given the best advice, but I must echo it because I fumbled my confession for a long time. I also was an ass and TTd my wife for a long time. PLEASE learn from my mistakes! You'll find that more often than not, WSs say similar things and do similar things in an attempt to blameshift, avoid embarrassment, gaslight, hang on to ego, etc. You have an opportunity to give yourself the best possible chance of working through everything, given your actions.

Here it goes:

1) You need to tell your H. Straight up. Very soon. Waiting benefits absolutely nobody. Face it. I held onto my lies and betrayal for far too long. Bad idea. Keeping to yourself will cause anguish within you and will only serve to pour salt in the wound - on top of your actions, you'll be adding epic lying to the situation.

2) When (not if) you tell your H, PLEASE tell it all. In fact, write a timeline NOW while you have it in such recent memory. Leave nothing out. NOTHING. Omitting bits to "protect" you, the OM, or your H will actually only ruin your trustworthiness. Honesty, honesty, honesty. No freakin' joke.

3) Answer ALL questions with truthful answers. Consistently. Every. Damn. Time. Your H has every right to ask you ANYTHING.

4) Prepare for a myriad of reactions. You may hear some awful things that come from a very emotional place. Stick to your guns. Be remorseful. Tell your H that you are. Rinse and repeat. A friend of mine once said "only a fool doesn't change his mind" - your H may jump straight to extremes. Don't give up. He will likely say things that seem final. Let him. If you take the right steps here, he may give you some incredibly amazing gifts.

5) Keep coming here. If possible, get your H to as well. It may be one of the best places for the two of you.

6) OWN IT! You did this. No guns. No hostage situations. Alcohol and pot *may* cloud your brain, but don't use that as a crutch for your decisions. Your actions are yours. They don't need to be the end of the world, but they can't be brushed aside.

Good luck. Check in. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Welcome hollygolightly.

I am sorry you have to be here but you have found a really good place to work through this situation.

I am a BS. I can hear the pain and remorse in your post.

The only thing you can do is move forward. You can't unring the bell. As a BS I want to tell you that the very best route to go is confessing the whole truth to your spouse. If he hears it from someone else he will have a very difficult time trusting anything that you say after the fact. The best way to establish your credibility and show your BH that you respect him is to come clean so that he can make his own decisions.

You can also encourage him (if you want to) to come here for support for what he will have to deal with.

He will have to deal with the fact that this man is someone he knows. There is no getting around the fact that these friendships with this group of friends will change.

I wish you well. Keep posting. We are here to support you.

Thank you all for your comments. They are hard and sobering to read - and I need that. However, I don't really think I am blame shifting - it was 50/50 on the bad judgement with me and OM, but certainly 100% my fault what I did to my BS and my life. I am owning my shit - I am just having a hard time dragging my BS into this. But I think on this site the only was is to pull him into the drama, otherwise I am not doing it the right way and gas lighting. If this will never, ever, ever occur again - do I really have to do this to the person I want to protect most??

And no - I have NEVER had any indiscretion like this - not in my entire marriage - alcohol involved or not. But yes, I am known to party and drink too much - there is a big party culture in our neighborhood that as of this weekend I will no longer be a part of.

I DO NOT know who that person was back there that night! I truly do not!!

And no - there was NOT penetration - like I said, he could not maintain an erection, he was too drunk. Nothing was ever completed - but the intent remains. All he really wanted to do was please me - it was enticing in the moment - it makes me sick now.

I did speak to OM briefly on the phone today - I wanted to know what his wife knew. He assured me nothing - nor would she. He was extremely apologetic, he sounded as dumbfounded as I am as to how we ended up behaving so badly and acting so crazy and destructive. He really hopes that we can maintain our friendship - I told him that would be hard - but inside I know that I don't think its possible. I told him how I didn't even know how I could face his wife again and I adored her! The only answer is that I will be avoiding him. I asked him if he had ever done anything like that before because I had not - he assured me never. Eh - I'd like to believe that - but again not that it matters. I would just like to think that he doesn't do this to his wife all the time - that would make it even harder.

I think the root of this is honestly? The attention, the flattery, the lack of sex in my marriage, the promises of physical fulfillment in ways my BS doesn't offer me. We've been fighting a lot lately - it got to a point where I asked if he wanted a divorce - but I didn't mean it. We've been having a hard time - I was honestly looking forward to him being gone this weekend because of all the fighting. But I love him so much. And I am completely committed to working on my marriage and making it stronger, communicate my needs better, and do my damnedest to tend to his as well.

I know this is not a popular sentiment and you all are looking at me like an alcoholic who is saying they are giving up drinking except they won't pour out the booze in the house - but I truly do not think I can tell him about this and hurt him in this way. I truly want to take this to my grave.

Secrets have a way of coming out.

Of course you should tell him. He deserves to know. He has the right to make his own choices. Not telling him isnt about protecting him,but about protecting yourself.

You say you live in a small,tight community. The OM claims he wont tell his wife,which is most likely true. But he very well could brag to his buddies. And it will get around to your BH. He will not only feel betrayed,but he will feel like a fool that everyone else knew but him.

The OM cheated on his BW on the night of their anniversary. He says he wont tell. But he's not exactly trustworthy.

You were friends with him and his wife. Your husband will pick up on the tension,as will she.

A marriage cant survive on lies and guilt. Yes,it will be hard and painful to tell the truth. But you owe it to yourself,your BH,and your marriage to be honest.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:13 PM, May 7th (Monday)]

Personally, I believe you were really shit faced and did something you had no idea you were capable of doing. I believe had you been sober and in your right mind, you wouldn't have crossed that boundary, especially since you adore the BW. HOWEVER, alcohol is referred to as a truth serum for a reason - it brings the truth out. Some people can only be honest when they're drunk. Maybe you hold more resentment towards your BH for the breakdown in your M than you realize.

Tell your BH. You were fooling around with xOM in public. It's going to get out and believe me, YOU need to be the source of that sordid story - not your neighbors or xOM's BW. Not to mention, it's clear the guilt & shame are consuming you - your BH can and will sense this. You say you love him dearly - then love him enough to give him the truth.

Hi Holly. I am truly sorry for the reason you're here. What you're going through isn't easy at all I know.

The problem with not telling your BH is that you did this on your front lawn. Even though it was late, people look out their windows, take their dogs out, go out for a smoke. Who knows how many people saw you. It will be much better for your BH to hear about this from you than to become part of the rumor mill.

Don't be so quick to trust what the OM has told you. He is married, and promised you, a married woman all kinds of things. What does this say about his character? How are you going to feel the first time you see him talkingto your BH? How is your BH going to feel if your BH finds out what happened, and knows you let the OM around him?

You can only control you in this situation, no one else. The OM may tell someone. Maybe his wife will find out and tell. Maybe a neighbor saw it and will tell. Just be warned that there are a lot of ways for this to come out, and you can't control many of them.

One final thought. I get that your marriage had issues. Most do at some point. I also get that you were drunk and high. Still, why did you give yourself permission to let this man be intimate with you on your front lawn? That's the question you need to answer before you can begin to heal.

Good luck. What you have to deal with isn't going to be fun, but you will survive it

My Confessional is what you named this thread.

While it is good and honorable to confess something of this magnitude and seek help, the better honor would be bestowed upon your BH and confess to him.

Think about your reason for not confessing..is it for protecting you or protecting your BH?

Secrets of this caliber do not do a marriage well.

Even if you never ever do it again...you know you already did it and your BH..the one you promised to love honor and cherish will be left in the dark.

You and OM will always share this secret and have that bond. You will have something with the OM that your BH will not know a thing about.

should this ever surface years down the road..he will think of this as you and OM having a loyalty to one another over him and over OM's wife.

OM could even use it as blackmail to get you to do things again.

"I will tell your BH about us if you don't do such and such"

You don't think he will?,

Did you think he would try to seduce you?

Your BH deserves to know.

Welcome to SI

Keep posting and reading..we are here to help.

oops double post

[This message edited by floridaredman at 2:15 PM, May 7th (Monday)]

I second FRM. Since you are new here, I will tell you he is a man worth listening to.

do I really have to do this to the person I want to protect most??

You ALREADY did this to the person you are calling "the person I want to protect." Now you are just protecting yourself. (So who is the person you really want to protect "most"?)

Most marriages don't tank because of sexual acting out. They sink because of the lying. You are lying to him now. You do the math.

I know this sounds harsh, but believe me, I wouldn't waste time posting here if I didn't wish you well. People give the advice to tell because they know first-hand what happens when you don't.

Slightly different take here. This situation worries me. Holly knows she was completely shitfaced. Men can be convicted of rape for having sex with someone too shit-faced for consent--even if she doesn't say no. So where is the line drawn? I see some of you want her to take responsibility, but I'm wondering if that line was crossed considering the amount of alchohol.

I am not even attracted to this person - why would I do such a horrible thing?

I DO NOT know who that person was back there that night! I truly do not!!

You are guilty of having too much to drink, but I'm not sure you're guilty of consent.

Nothing like this is ever, ever, ever going to happen again - I do not want to hurt him unimaginably

I wonder how many BS's here had a WS think of their feelings like this? Mine didn't.

I didn't even know how I could face his wife again and I adored her!

And how many of us have OWs who are crushed to have become a part of the destruction of our marriage?

I don't hear fog. I hear horror. I don't know where the line of consent is drawn, but Holly I'm not convinced that you were capable of giving it.

I found out about an A my fwh had 13 years after the fact! They both were convinced that after so long it was surely going to their graves.

Lies have a way of being exposed. And I can say with certainty that my fwh coming clean about his 2nd affair was far easier on me than finding out about the first one through a third party.

As difficult as it is. You need to dig deep and be honest with your bs. You will be better off in the long run with open honesty than with hidden lies.

Have to say, (and I'm a BS) my first thoughts were along the lines of Marzipan's. There are predators out there. The OM may say he's never done anything like this and he may not have. Or he may say that a lot. You really can't know.

The drinking too much and how this happened. Well, it sucks and I'm sorry for you that it happened.

I have no opinion on the tell or don't. Just saying, I'm sorry you are here. Don't trust the OM. You will get good advice here. Hugs to you.

Devil's advocate AGAIN.

No one here is saying man up and do it - blah blah blah.

When I had an affair and got pregnant all in the same month after sleeping with both - BS knew I was pregnant but did not know it might not be his.

I had to tell - but how exactly does one do that - "hate to tell you honey, I ripped your heart out sorry about that?"

For me it was never that I didn't want to tell - I couldn't figure out HOW to tell. My best friend knew, talked to her spouse (which we all do) and he took it upon himself to tell my BS. For me even though I was pissed at the time, it opened the door so I could be honest.

I've never heard that here from anyone else, so I don't think it's that common.

Maybe it's not that you do not wish to be honest, but really? How do you tell?

Just some food for thought.

I think that because you remember all the details, you enjoyed the attention "in the moment"... that reads as consent to me.

Not trying to be harsh. I just dont see it that way and dont think you should use that as an out.

If you do feel that you did not give consent, then there would be nothing to confess to... there would be a crime to be reported. In either instance your spouse needs to know.

So you called OM today. So Much for NC. You have put your need to cover your ass first.

please stop blaming the state of your M for you ONS. plenty of people have M problems. That isn't an excuse for an A or a ONS. The reasons you allowed this to happen are within yourself and no where else.

So your BH won't think it's weird that you don't party anymore? That you don't hang with this couple anymore? Do you want to live on eggshells? You are already a mess. What do you think covering up this guilt will do to your M?