SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We've been married 7 years. My wife has been acting odd, so I did some snooping on her laptop. I found out she is having an affair with one of her profs. He is married with two kids. She is in love with him, and says he is in love with her. Now she says she is torn and doesn't know what to do. She won't even cut off contact with him via her secret email account.

She is in the field right now (not with him). SHe actually manipulated her work schdule so she could go on trips with him during her time off, when she was supposed to be home. She went to another country with him for a few days, and spend another 3 or 4 days in a B&B she and I went to and loved.

Now, this is karma coming back to me. I had an affair 4 years ago. I make no excuses for it, and I've regretted it almost daily since. I cut off contact with the OP, and my wife and I went to therapy. My wife had access to me secret email account, and even changed the password so I could not access it. But she sees no problem with keeping her secret email account and having contact with him. She has said he is in the field until the 25th, so she cannot actually talk to him.

Am I being unreasonable in demanding she cut off contact with him in this situation?

[This message edited by wounded_husband at 11:08 AM, August 18th (Wednesday)]

No, you're not being unreasonable to demand that she cut off contact with him.

I was a little confused by this:

I had an affair 4 years ago. I make no appolgies for it.

Does that mean that you had no regrets or remorse about the affair you had? If so, that may explain why she feels no need to stop her affair.

Sorry. I've updated my original post to clarify that. I regret my affair, and wish it had never happened.

You're not being unreasonable at all. Is she using your A as an excuse for hers?

Maybe he means no excuses? I hope so.

No, I think it's quite reasonable for you to demand she stop contacting the prof!

To a point she is. We've been under a huge amount of stress these last 10 months due to our school, our finances, and a move/reno from hell. She said she thought we were going to end in divorce anyway, and that she has never been happpy since my A.

If I were in your shoes I'd be sorely tempted to share your evidence with the professors wife and his department chair. That would probably stop it. It would also cause a great deal of conflict between you and your wife, but it's an option.

Universities used to wink at professors having affairs with students. Not anymore.

Edited to add:

If you go this route, go to the dean of faculty or provost too. The department chair may be tempted to sweep it under the rug.

[This message edited by classical_fan at 11:21 AM, August 18th (Wednesday)]

Just like she didn't cause your A, you didn't cause hers.

How did you go about the recovery after your A? It doesn't sound like it was fully resolved.

Have a feeling the mods will (in their never ending wisdom (and mods – that‘s NOT cynicism! You know how I respect your work!)) will move this thread due to you being what we often call a “madhatter”. That’s someone that has had an affair and/or is having an affair while having been a betrayed spouse/is a betrayed spouse.

If she thought this marriage was dead she should have killed it off formally. Her excuse for having an affair is the equivalent of reading a will and dividing an estate while the patient is still alive. It’s simply not done.

Look – if your marriage is dead then it’s dead. But time after time we have seen dead marriages resurrected. If you want to work things out then it can be done. The first step you should look into is making the affair reality. If this is truly the love of their lives then they will be together no matter what. If however this is simply yet another professor getting his rocks off with a promising student then you will do your wife an immense favor (irrelevant on whether you remain together or not) to make that clear to her. So let the proffs wife know. Check out the reaction. See what happens.

Chances are he will drop her ASAP. Women tend to hate rejection. Yes your WW will hate you and be furious but in a few days reality will settle in. Now – IF the prof leaves his wife for your wife then so be it. At least you know and can work out from that angle. Beats wondering if she has washed from being with him.

She said she thought we were going to end in divorce anyway, and that she has never been happpy since my A.

this is blameshifting.

Sorry that you find yourself here.

I echo WH5, it doesn't sound like there was absolution and fully R on her side.

The other thing that is disturbing is secret emails.

Anytime there is a secret and the couple is not 200% together (that is 100% committed from each partner) there will be problems, especially in light of your history. It seems as if she has been harboring resentment and is now not being open with you or remorseful, blameshifting responsibility; it sounds like she is still in the Fog.

ETA: if he is a professor and is engaging in relations with a student, there is a huge load of trouble that he can find himself in with the school. It sounds as though this is a research based college and improprieties and scandals are do not make people want to give grant money up. This is a very dangerous situation IMO.

[This message edited by Rise_Above at 11:36 AM, August 18th (Wednesday)]

I had an affair 4 years ago

This forum is strictly for BS's, I'll move your thread to General.

As others have said, secrets have no place in a marriage.

She cannot use your past A to justify her own. There IS no justification.

Follow the advice you've gotten so far. Print out (if possible) the secret emails and (anonymously is probably best) send them to the prof's wife, let her know what's going on. She deserves to know the actual state of her marriage.

Now, this is karma coming back to me.

No, this is not karma. This is your wife *intentionally* visiting the same pain you caused her to you. She doesn't regret what she's doing as she has told you quite plainly she's going to continue and is doing everything she can to be with the OM up to and including manipulating her work schedule to spend time with him rather than her family. That right there shows you where you are on her list of important things.

And since she spent 3 or 4 days with him at a B&B then I'd be willing to bet my paycheck the A has gone physical.

Sorry you're here wounded but you've found the best site for support. If you have any questions, need advice or just a shoulder to cry on, these are the best bunch of people for that.

Take your evidence and report him to the school he teaches at. Huge breach of conduct there. And I'm sure she's not his first.

She will however, likely be really pissed at you.

She may be 'in luuuuv' but I doubt he is. From what I've observed, men in affairs usually throw the OW under the bus when the A is exposed. There are exceptions of course, but usually the man is in it for the ego while the woman is in it for the affection. Tell the BW. The odds are in your favor that he will throw your WW under the bus in order to save his M and his job.

Your WW has become what she likely detested after your A...the OW. Think back to the lies you told to make the OW feel good about herself and believe that you were justified in the A. Your WW is likely hearing those same things. Use your knowledge of how As work to counter some of that.

There's a book called "The Script" and I wish more WWs/OWs read it. They wouldn't feel their A was so special if they saw how pedestrian the lines they are fed really are.

1. Out the A to the BW.

2. Out the A to the profs supervisor. Most schools have rules against this type of interaction.

Sounds as though she has forwarned you of what is to come. Bullshit on any and all excuses, there is only one reason she is in her affair, she wants to. Since she has warned you of your probable future as she currently sees it, talk to a lawyer, understand your rights. Expose them, the other spouse needs to know what kind of man she is married to. Get tested for STD's and no more unprotected sex, as you already know they always lie about using protection. Get both of you into counselling and find out what is broken in your marriage. Do not accept any blame shifting, memorize the 180 and implement immediately.

She's waiting to find out if he's really going to divorce his wife. If it turns out she's the latest semester fling, she'll drop him. Your wife sounds like she's someone who wants a person in the wings before she contemplates divorce.

She said she thought we were going to end in divorce anyway, and that she has never been happpy since my A.

You can add the additional tangents of telling his wife and the university, but that doesn't tell you if she's committing to the marriage because she wants it or her wingman is gone. The only thing I would be concerned about is that she's been thinking about divorce. You can get rid of this guy, but that doesn't change that divorce has been on her agenda. She'll go find another man to put in the wings.

I'd give her two choices. You get the divorce now or the two of you go back to IC and MC, she goes nc with the om today. If she has to wait until next week to see where she stands with the professor before committing to the marriage, she'll probably test out another exit affair before long.

His wife already knows about the affair. I have been tempted to talk to the university provost about this, but I may be screwing her out of a grad degree if I do. How sad is that? I feel guilty about doing so, and part of me regrets telling her she has to cut off contact with the guy

But thank you all for your informative responses.

How do you know his wife already knows? Did she tell you that, or did your wife tell you that? If it's the latter, if I were you, I'd be calling the wife to confirm.

My wife has shown me the emails the OP's wife has been sending her. OP's wife has also been contacting other members of my wife's family, and been trying to contact me (we have different last names, which is why she hasn't found me yet, and she is difficult for me to find via eamail phone book or social networking sites)