SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have read posts about how a second Dday with new or additional information can take you back to Dday #1. I often thought that must be a bit of an exaggeration, some drama of the emotion.

It isn’t.

I wish she could have told me these things back close to Dday when I was already numb.

No new OPs. No false R or extendsing the timeline of the A's.

However, she loved them, and told them both. They both felt the same way about her. She imagined living with both of with them. She introduced her younger daughter, with whom I have (had?) a great relationship, to both of them. She did enjoy the sex, and sex with AP#2 was at times better than with me. They spent nights together. It wasn't just sex-texting with BIL, a couple of times it was also phone sex while she pleasured herself. The sex was about twice as many times as I was led to believe. It was exciting.

I am numb. I knew there was more, I pressed to know, and in the written disclosure she gave me last night were the pieces to help fit together the awkward gaps in how she explained the A’s. I know that eventually this is going to help, but today I am numb. I did not know how to get just the information I felt I needed without the parts that are making me sick today.

I thought I had so much figured out and understood the dynamics, but again I was just so naive and wrong.

I'm sorry atsenaotie, but at least she's giving you more information.

TT can at times be worse so dont feel bad. The TT i experienced went from EA to PA for 4 month with only a few times of sex at her house. Then from that to PA for 11 months with twice as much sex and in my home and vehicle with I love you's and promises to leave me.

So it sucked worse than dday. But i think the entire truth was necessary for healing unfortunately.

Hang on, and know we are all here for you!

How cruel of your wife. The editorializing, to me at least, seems unnecessary. I am so sorry atsenaotie, that seems to be more suffering than anyone should have to endure. I hope you can feel better soon and know that this ugly addiction addles their brains in such a complete way that they often are not in touch with reality. Sending hugs and prayers your way. Please hang in there.

Look everything is better in a fantasy world Right? So look at like that Imagine you did not have bills to pay and no responsibilities how much fun could you have a lot right?? I know it is hard but I do believe for some WS that are truely remorseful it is a big arse fatal error in judgement call it a lapse of total sanity whatever. But it is.

You are lucky she has given you the info you requested. Remember don't ask for anything you don't want to hear. You can not unhear it or unread it.

Also my WS stood before me and declared his luvvv for the OW#1 the day he told me of his roll. 18 years later I asked him well did you love her. Hell no he said. Can't stand her. Those feelings change over time back to you. They have to get out of the fog and see the affair for what it truly was. No more fantasyland.

I am sorry you are here. It does get better.

I am so sorry, atsenaotie. I echo what shattered wrote, she was unnecessarily cruel to you.

Whatever her reasons, her addled brain, justifications etc., love does not hurt someone like that.

Remember, that does not mean YOU are unloveable, it does not mean the OP were "better" than you, more attractive, or any other superlative.

I remember the kind nurse at the clinic told me these words when, in extreme shock, I went for STD testing. I wrote them down because I knew it would take me many years to absorb what she was saying. She offered those words out of her own pain of infidelity, she was not just trying to be kind.

It is the truth.

And you are grieving more today, no doubt, for the additional losses and implications of her words. Words can hurt just as much as a physical blow.

Surround yourself with people who love and care for you. Feel the support of your SI family. Know this had nothing to do with you. It is her sickness and her shame that she could not honor you and your M.

(((((atsenatoie)))))

Ugh. I feel sick for you. I've also asked for a detailed history - he's writing it. I don't know if I'll actually be able to read it.....but then again, the curiosity will kill me if I don't and honestly I have very little restraint.

Do you feel like all of your questions are answered? Do you think it will help you heal, or hurt R more? Do you respect her more for owning up, or less because of what A's meant to her?

I hope and believe that her 'love' for OPs will prove to be false over time - when the fantasy of what the A really was sinks in.

Did she really tell you sex was better with OPs?? That's just cruel. Even if you asked specifically she should've lied to protect you. JMHO, I know others will feel differently. Logically I can see that sex would be better simply because it's new. Period. I don't think it relects on you at all. My WH and I have had lousy sex since Dday - ejaculation problems, but of course he no problem with OW! Whatever! Blah, Blah, Blah

We are good people. Do what you need to do to take care of you.

I know how you feel, I found out just this past Wednesday that she lied and finally told me they had sex at my house, and all the sex they had was unprotected, which really throws me for a loop cause I got neutered (vasectomy) 5 years ago.

I'm so sorry

I keep reading here that full disclosure is important. And while I understand the pain that ones imagination can bring by filling in the gaps I also hesitate to ask for too many details.

I know they had sex and I know what that entails. I know they thought they loved each other enough to want to divorce their spouses and destroy our families. I don't know that I really need to hear the rest of the details. The times that he answered detailed questions were not good ...

Arg, I'm sorry you are in so much pain

Thank you all.

I did ask for what I got, and I knew going in it was going to hurt. My analogy to FWW was that there is still dirt in my wound, and that dirt is preventing healing.

Best would have been to clean it all out at the initial Dday while I was in shock and not feeling the pain, but she didn't. We have been, each week or so, opening the wound and trying to gently remove some of the dirt. This was frustrating me, and I believe a big part of our recent fights and my rage. Instead of continuing this, I wanted to go in and get everything cleaned out no matter how badly it feels in the short term.

She asked why it was so important for me to have the additional questions answered. I asked her why it was so important to her not to tell me. The fact there were things she was withholding was painful. It told me that she was not willing to be completely open and truthful with me, and this jeopardized my ability to R. I also worried just how bad the rest of the story could be? What things were so bad I could not be told compared to what I already knew?

She felt that the less I knew the less I would have to deal with and forgive. She also admitted that many of the details cause painful triggers for her, and that by me knowing them, she will not just experience her inner pain, but knowing that I am in pain too. She realizes now that was not protecting me, but protecting her.

The line about AP#2 being better than me in sex is my own statement. He was able to bring her to O with intercourse alone, something she rarely achieves with anyone, including me. She said they just fit together well, something I had often said to her about us. He also had a talent for oral, something I had always prided myself on with her.

I am really hoping this was the right thing to do, and I think it was. I have no more questions about her being completely honest now. I hope this stops mental replay trying to make sense of it. I hope that I can love her again.

It is/was the right thing to do, in that now there is nothing left to your imagination----Now you can begin to heal yourself

This whole process will take 2 to 5 years---what she has done will never be forgotten, and there will be many triggers along the way----hang tuff---do what is best for you.

atsenotie, no advice just hugs to you. so sorry

I am really hoping this was the right thing to do, and I think it was. I have no more questions about her being completely honest now. I hope this stops mental replay trying to make sense of it. I hope that I can love her again.

I think to truly recover, we have to know what exactly we are recovering from. All affairs are painful but how you recover from a ONS, an EA, a LTA etc can be somewhat different. Kind of like being diagnosed with breast cancer - at first you go into shock because you have cancer. Then you need to know what KIND of cancer you have so you know the best course of treatment. Will it reoccur? Is it a one-time thing? Does this analogy even make sense to anyone but me?

Will it reoccur? Is it a one-time thing? Does this analogy even make sense to anyone but me?

That does make sense, especially the will it reoccur.

For me, the loss of trust is the biggest issue. Full honesty is a giant step in restoring the trust. Until the lies end there can be no trust.

A,

I hope your wife reads this.

To make any comparison is invidious in the first place. To make comparisons of things so unalike is impossible in the second place.

I note that her comments were all about her receiving. And so once again the truism rears its head - its what you give, not what you get. Its about giving not taking.

And so in marriage and sex, it can stale, same venue, same time, same techniques, same positions, same bills and responsibilities, same, same, same.

Forbidden sex is illicit and exciting - the nerve endings are more alert, because of the sense of danger and risk. This transmits a higher 'sensation', mixed in with the drugs of dopamine and various other endorphins that kick in with the addiction. You try harder, the 'fit' is only one borne of unfamiliarity, different nerve endings.

yes, of course, she told them she loved them. She is female and needs to dress the fantasy into something more acceptable to the female brain. Yes, of course, they told her they loved her. They need to play the game. And yes, they will have had a fun time.

Nothing real. Just an escape from themselves. Not a finding of themselves, an escape and a losing of themselves.

Your wife is looking old and wrinkled you say? Yes, this happened to Dorian Gray in the attic, the sensations of adolescence, youth etc are revisited at a cost. The ugliness within. The ugliness that one is trying to escape. Looking into the eyes of the mirror of the AP, also ugly, both pretending to be something other than themselves. A veneer.

And now she has to look into your eyes and see her ugliness mirrored by your feelings. And so, again she does not take responsibility. Again, she thinks of herself first, how to make it more palatable to herself, how to deflect you from her ugliness to worry about yours. To dump onto you, so you feel bad.

Yes, you have made a safe place now for her to tell you things. I do not suggest there should be editing or mediation of fact - but there should for sure be much greater responsibility in the telling - why it made her feel like she felt. A greater self-awareness, a real deep digging into the truth.

But no, she just dumps on you and expects you to carry it, analyse it and fix it.

I'm sorry.

Thanks again to all of you who read and replied. I was not prepared at all for the reality of the information I had asked for. It was much more (7 pages) than I expected, and mostly new information, not a rehash of what had already been discussed. More times together, a more involved relationship, more good than bad.

After about 36 hours of not coping well, FWW and I have talked some more and I am at least under control emotionally now.

I anticipate that this was the final significant information for her to disclose, and that as I process all of this we can get back to the work of R our M.

As hard as the sex stuff was to read, it does help me to believe that she is no longer holding back anything significant.

Fantastic post Edie.

atsenaotie - Edie hit the nail on the head. I think you should read and reread her post. The print it out and read it when her "reality" starts to dig its claws in.

Hugs,

Sammie

I have read and re-read many of these posts, including Edie’s. I did have to look up invidious though.

I note that her comments were all about her receiving.

She now freely admits that the affairs were about meeting her needs, and that she chose herself over me, not the OM over me. She felt unloved and lonely, unhappy with work and family, so she looked for positive affirmation. She says her intent was to have a fling, but I thing once she got caught up in it she was unable to give up the attention.

yes, of course, she told them she loved them. She is female and needs to dress the fantasy into something more acceptable to the female brain. Yes, of course, they told her they loved her. They need to play the game. And yes, they will have had a fun time.

This was a big part of the new information. I had thought it had been different, more of a “business” relationship. It did not make sense then, but it does now that I know she fantasized about the OM “taking care of her” if she left the M and me. It hurts to know my W was emotionally connected to OM for 4 years.

Nothing real. Just an escape from themselves.

This has been a significant discovery for FWW. She had an A with her boss at the end of her 1st M that lasted four years after her D. Up until a few months after our DDay she remembered it as her one true love. She now sees that he was using her, and she was just one pearl on his string.

Yes, you have made a safe place now for her to tell you things. I do not suggest there should be editing or mediation of fact - but there should for sure be much greater responsibility in the telling - why it made her feel like she felt. A greater self-awareness, a real deep digging into the truth.

But no, she just dumps on you and expects you to carry it, analyse it and fix it.

I need to think about this some more, maybe a topic for MC on Friday. There are so many things, I do not know if we should have a "schedule" of tasks to work through and check off, just allow life to happen and work at responding and communicating more openly with each other? I know we do need some time when it is not all about the problems, but when we can enjoy each other, don't we?

and sex with AP#2 was at times better than with me.

As a BH, R seems to focus on my WW's ability to deal with the truth but not destroy me in the process.

She could have told you the truth about what happened and not said that her OM was better. In my opinion that is pouring salt into a wound she inflicted in the first place.

I understand that with all the confusion and fog and emotional blindness, saying things that come out wrong are not uncommon. But no one in any state of mind could possibly believe that telling your BS ... yes they had an affair and yes it was better with someone else ... can possibly believe that it is going to aid in your healing.

Asking for the truth does not mean that you are giving her a right to further dismantle your sense of manhood and personal abilities.

I can assure you that if the tables were turned and you told her that you had an affair because you found another woman with better attributes who performed better than your wife does, you would have had your attributes handed to you.

Yet, under the cloud of total disclosure it somehow is supposed to be OK to add the little editorials about quality and quantity being better. There is a scientific term for that....

Totally unnecessary and insensative.

She could have told you the truth about what happened and not said that her OM was better

The statement that the sex with AP#2 was at time better than with me was a summary of a couple of specific things she had said. She was trying to correct the impression she had given to me that the sex was NEVER any good and had been very one-dimensional.

I think he "got lucky" a few times and added with the illicit excitement and "new partner factor" it worked well for her.

I have moved past the sex disclosure much more easily than knowing that for 4 years FWW was thinking about these OM as people to be with and take care of her when she left me.

The nights they spent together in the same bed also gnaws at me, even though she says it was more like passed-out than sleeping.